Some people are fans of the Baltimore Ravens. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Baltimore Ravens. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.
1. There's no white trash like Baltimore white trash. I've lived in Maryland for eight years and I can tell you that northern Maryland white trash occupies its own distinct niche of the white-trash market. It's as if the suburban Baltimore area were populated exclusively by fifth-grade gym teachers. These are the kind of people who wear camouflage Zubaz without a hint of irony. Every baby born in Baltimore County is born with a goatee, even the girls. If you could form a Jim Rome listener in a lab (and why wouldn't you? THEY'RE CLONES), the resulting 250-pound dumbfuck would look an awful lot like a white-trash Ravens fan.
These people have NO sense of humor, nor any sense of self-deprecation. That's how you end up with a fanbase that engages in a comical level of collective paranoia. Ravens fans like to pretend that they're the U. Miami of the NFL. THEY'RE OUTLAWS! EVERYBODY'S OUT TO GET THEM! The refs have it in for the Ravens. The NFL has it in for the Ravens. Dan Rooney and his owner friends have it in for the Ravens. This pre-supposes that people actually give a shit about the Ravens. They don't. The Ravens are a nothing franchise. They're the Team That Shouldn't Be. Baltimoreans have willed themselves to like this team even though they know, deep in their heart, it isn't theirs. In a perfect NFL world, the Colts are still in Baltimore, the Browns are still the Browns, and Indianapolis remains a raging tire fire in the center of flyover country. These replacement Colts will never be as lovable to the rest of the NFL as the Baltimore Colts were. They're the unwanted replacements. They're the Sammy Hagar of NFL teams. Whoa hey, did someone say Sammy Hagar? BOBBY FROM TOWSON SAYS TURN THAT SHIT UP.
2. Pussymouth isn't here to save you now. Terrell Suggs ruptured his Achilles in May, which all but ensures that the Ravens defense will be without one of its finest players for the entire season. Worst of all, that means I'm gonna have to look at sideline shots of Suggs and his terrifying gums all season long. To any network producer who plans on cutting to Suggs mid-smile, I'd like to issue a preventive PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT order. Suggs's pussymouth has been known to blind schoolchildren. I would humbly request that the Ravens not let Suggs on road trips and instead encourage him to return to his home on the set of Prometheus.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at email@example.com.
3. There's no guaranteeing that John Harbaugh will know that he has a timeout left. Seriously, man. Use a fucking timeout. Get your affairs in order.
4. Ray Lewis is a phony. At some point, Ray Lewis's career will sputter to an end. More than any DPOY or MVP award, Lewis will best be remembered for his shocking ability to get the NFL establishment to turn a blind eye to the fact that he watched two friends stab people and then fled the scene in a goddamn limo. Ray Lewis is the ultimate phony, someone who will always find time to lecture teammates if there's an NFL Films camera hanging around. One day, he'll retire along with Ed Reed and this defense will finally cease to be the annual paper juggernaut it always has been. I'm quite excited for that day.
5. Hear it from Ravens fans!
Because I've convinced myself Joe Flacco is a good quarterback.
Ravens fans insist on standing to the song "Proud to be an American." I love America and all, but that song is not our National Anthem, please stop treating it as such.
Ray Rice dips his hands in butter before every carry in the playoffs, and the receivers continue to struggle catching the ball. Our defensive scheme is "let Haloti Ngata handle it," which frees up Ed Reed to wander around and double-cover the other team's third tight-end so that he can feel fast agin. Ray Lewis can cover about a yard of ground on either side and is most valuable to the team during his pre-game speeches, where he repeats his own material more than Rick Reilly.
Billy Cundiff is still on the roster. Fuck that guy. He could try and hang himself and miss kicking the stool over.
This is the Ring of Honor inside the team's stadium:
Johnny Unitas and the Baltimore Colts
Does any team have a crappier Ring of Honor?
Also, their uniforms look like BRUISES. And they stole their logo from a security guard. Fred Bouchat had to sue. He won, and was awarded ... three dollars? I'm no economist, but I'm reasonably sure the team made more than $3 off merchandise with Bouchat's logo. Fred didn't want to sue. He took the team to court because they wouldn't honor his initial offer. He didn't care about the money, even though he was making jack squat as a security guard. He said he would be thrilled if they used his design. All he wanted in return was a helmet signed by the team. And the team said NO. So wrong on so many levels.
The reason we suck is because we cannot find a wide receiver who will not shit the bed so badly he might as well have Oregon Trail dysentery whenever a football is thrown his way in a big moment. I cannot tell you the number of times that a Ravens season has ended or been adversely affected by a DROPPED PASS. This dropped pass always occurs after we have managed to move into a tantalizingly victorious position against a good or great team. Trust me, the famous grab Torrey Smith made against the Steelers on Sunday Night Football last season was an aberration. The drops that he and Anquan Boldin both made on that very same drive-which almost KILLED the drive-show the true nature of the Baltimore Ravens.
The drops started when Flacco and Harbaugh came, since before them our "offense" was Ed Reed and Matt Stover. The first big choke-job came during a 2009 regular season game against the Patriots, whom we can never seem to beat despite always outplaying. Mark Clayton dropped a perfectly thrown pass from Flacco that would have converted a fourth down at the Patriots' 10, killing what had looked like an awesome game-winning drive and robbing us of the chance to beat the Fucktard Bradies by one point with mere seconds left in their own stadium. In 2010 we added Boldin and T.J. Houshmandzadeh to shore up the offense, but since any wide receiver who puts on a Ravens jersey is cursed to suck ass, both Boldin AND Houshmandzadeh dropped critical passes in our biggest game of the season: a playoff loss to the Steelers. In that game Boldin dropped a ball in the endzone that hit him in the numbers, and Housh dropped a fourth-down conversion.
And, of course, I am now obligated to mention Lee Evans. FUCK LEE EVANS.
Fresh off the most painful loss in franchise history, the Ravens suck because our solution to the problem was to sign Jacoby Jones this offseason. Jacoby Jones will probably now be the Ravens' #3 WR. This is the same Jacoby Jones who made millions of Texans fans facepalm themselves unconscious for five years FROM HOW MUCH HE DROPPED PASSES. It is also the same Jacoby Jones WHO MUFFED A PUNT AGAINST THE RAVENS AND HELPED THE RAVENS BEAT HIS OWN TEAM IN THE PLAYOFFS SEVEN MONTHS AGO.
I cannot tell you how un-shocked I will be when Jacoby Jones drops a pass that ends our season.
The only thrilling thing with the Ravens is to see how many times Joe Flacco can overthrow Torrey Smith before they connect on one.
Three words: Cam Fucking Cameron. This tool owes Drew Brees a lifetime of hand jobs for having a job right now. Anyone who comes from the Norv Turner coaching tree is already working on a curve, and Cam Cameron is just as bad as he is. You think Brian Billick's play calling was bad? Watch any Ravens offensive third down play and see Cam Cameron blow that shit right out of the water. 3rd and 10? Let's just run that shit up the middle. 3rd and 1? Buckle up baby, we're sending this one deep. Oh, and Billy Cundiff. Fuck Billy Cundiff.
Baltimore has the most insufferable fans on the fucking planet. Granted, losing our beloved Colts to those mouth breathing, inbred hicks in Indy sucked...but it's fucking annoying hearing a 14-year-old kid bring it up who can't spell "Atlas," let alone use one to find Indianapolis. The refs, the league, the media, the beer guy who cut you off during the second quarter because they vomited on a child...they are all out to screw the poor Ravens fan. I also love the older fans who remembers the Colts leaving, still hold a huge grudge about it, but gets annoyed about Browns fans bringing up Baltimore's actions in getting the team.
The lack of self-awareness among the fan base is fucking breathtaking. Apparently that God awful purple camo shit is considered now to be formal attire in many circles. I shit you not...I have been to weddings, funerals, and business meetings where mouth breathers have shown up in jerseys and camo pants. And the local celebrated accent isn't a fucking accent. It's a symptom of rampant inbreeding and lead poisoning. I never realized it until I did a six-year stint away from Baltimore while in the military. The average Ravens fan can't tell the difference between On Sides or vehicular manslaughter but no matter what...it's a bullshit call unless it goes the Ravens way. Watching a football with a Ravens fan is an insufferable experience. No matter what the team is doing, the fans are clamoring for them to do the opposite. Dominate running game to match the tight defense...WHY AREN'T WE THROWING IT 60 TIMES A GAME!?!
To a Ravens fan, Hines Ward and Ben Roethlisberger are/were overrated, cheap shot artists who are scum...but every single Ravens fan would gladly have them on the team in a heartbeat. Ray Lewis' involvement in the Atlanta murders...complete misunderstanding and the media targeting a big name athlete for no reason. Big Ben...SERIAL RAPIST! It is so hilarious how Steeler and Ravens fans hate each other because they are mirror images. It's like watching two retards dry hump the opposite end of a couch, shouting insults to each other.
Oh and the local hate on Flacco is insane. He is Dan fucking Marino compared to some of the clowns we have suffered through.
Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next team up: THE BROWNS. Oh, man. The Browns. We're gonna need a bigger Internet.