Some people are fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: Philadelphia Eagles.
Your 2013 record: 10-6, featuring the Riley Cooper redemption tour. It's the kind of comeback story that is heartwarming ONLY to Eagles fans.
Your coach: All-22 film nerd boner fuel Chip Kelly.
I wanna sneak into Chip Kelly's office and paste Goatse into all of his play-calling collages. Goatse, of course, would signal a run up the middle.
Your quarterback: World's ugliest man Nick Foles. I genuinely believe Foles's ugliness makes him more injury prone. Defenders see his face and then want to hurt him. Thankfully, the Eagles brought in a capable backup so that the Eagles don't have to rely on Matt Barkley to HAHAHA JUST KIDDING THEY BROUGHT IN MARK FUCKING SANCHEZ. Sanchez will start a game at some point this season. I guarantee it. Somehow, some way. Once you have Sanchez, you can't get rid of him. He's like herpes.
What's new that sucks: Thankfully, the Eagles operate just like the Patriots and build their team by cutting the shit out of people. Despite having a career year with Kelly and Foles, Desean Jackson was kicked to the curb. Any time a team like the Eagles cuts a productive player, that player automatically gets his reputation trashed. They must have cut you for a reason. You provoked them! Meanwhile, Football Michael Richards got an extension. So there you go. Throw down an n-bomb and ignore Mike Vick's texts, you get an extension. BUT NO HANGING WITH PHANTOM GANGBANGERS, OK? Jackson was perfect for that offense, too. But I guess he wasn't team-oriented enough to want his piss monitored.
This is how the Eagles work now. Like the Pats, you are expected to meld into the collective so that the team can get as much production out of you as possible while smothering your market value. You are trained to be a replaceable system cog, essentially. "Come join our team so that we can show you how expendable you are!"
Cutting Jackson would have been somewhat defensible if the Eagles had a good plan to replace him, but they did nothing. Instead of throwing deep to Jackson, the Eagles will now throw 50 one-yard passes to newcomer Darren Sproles every game. Cooper and Jeremy Maclin are the starting wideouts. What mystery injury will Maclin suffer thus year? CHOOSE YOUR OWN MALADY!
• Torn ACL
• Broken arm
• Split kneecap
• Blood acid
• Ear tumor
• Rubberized spine
• Scrotal hatching
• Bleached innards
• Gout
• Double gout
• Triple gout
• Severe fork wound
• Hangnail
• Eaten by dogs
• Anal "gumming"
We can put all those on a big wheel and spin it. Again the Eagles will give LeSean McCoy 700 touches per game and pray he doesn't collapse upon himself like a dying sun.
What has always sucked: I drove to Philly twice this summer and driving in Philly means you are always two seconds away from having a semi run you off the road. How did Pennsylvania end up with ALL of the trucks? Jesus. I think I spotted a sedan once every seven miles. Apart from that, everyone is hopped up on speed and ready to deliver some Tastykakes. This is the perfect town to embrace Riley Cooper as one of its own. Between Cooper and Zach Ertz, there will be enough white-guy touchdowns for every Eagles fan to jack off all over their Lee jeans.
I cannot think of a fanbase that is less deserving of having the most innovative offensive team in football. Chip Kelly is wasted on these people because, at all times, they demand the precise opposite of whatever the Eagles are doing. RUN THE BALL! NOW YOU'RE RUNNING TOO MUCH! NO, DON'T PASS IT! THIS OFFENSE IS TOO GIMMICKY! YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED? MORE BRAD SMITH GADGET PLAYS! Philly fans are a collective stream of idiotic consciousness. They shift like ice floes and drift toward the stupidest opinion possible, and then head for the next stupid opinion the moment any semblance of rationality is detected. Look at these people. This is a perfect Eagles fan family. The father is a drunken asshole. The son is a grimy, filthy, stubbly dipshit. Everyone yells at each other. People wear flippers in a fucking hot tub for no reason. It's a traffic jam of meatheadedness.
Also, fuck Ron Jaworski forever. His voice gives me hives.
What might not suck: Have you seen the rest of this division? Holy shit. Chip Kelly could turn playcalling duties over to Psychic Clam and still come in first.
Hear it from Eagles fans!
Sara:
The husband and I live in Chicago, but we're Philly fans because we were Randall Cunningham fans, and it just stuck. I flew the hubby to Philly for our anniversary since we'd somehow never seen a game there. When we stood to cheer after the Eaglesscored, our "fellow fans" in the section behind us screamed at us to "sit the fuck down" because they couldn't see & were too lazy to stand themselves. Well, fuck these Nick Nolte mug shot-looking motherfuckers - we didn't fly all the way out there to act like we were watching the game from our couch. So we ignored them and continued to cheer. When I later stood up to use the restroom, they screamed "sit down, you cunt!" and I was nailed in the face with a wadded-up piece of pretzel with a rock inside.
I was eight months pregnant.
Andrew:
I went to the Eagles-Chiefs game last year. My dad got tickets from people he does work with and we were sitting in the club area, where they serve fancy food and fancy beer. You wouldn't expect to see a section-clearing brawl here.
Well, about midway through the game there's a huge fight in the section next to us, consisting of several rows of people punching and tackling each other. One guy got thrown about five rows down and then put into a chokehold and dragged back up the aisle.
It took a while, but the fight eventually was broken up and everyone escorted out. About five people remained in the entire section for the rest of the game.
I went out into the concourse soon after and there were probably 20 people sitting on the ground in cuffs. Apparently the fight was between a large group of family members, and they were arguing over whether Foles or Vick should be the starter.
Brian:
I'm 30 years old. In those years, I've seen the Eagles play in the Super Bowl twice. Once was in Ace Ventura.
Brendan:
We decided to pay money to a man who runs into his own lineman's ass, loses possession of the football and watches the other team run it back for a touchdown.
Dave:
I attended Temple University in Philadelphia, and on the day I came back to campus after winter break of sophomore year, the Eagles were playing Tampa Bay in the NFC Championship game. I remember driving back to campus with my parents listening to sports talk radio before the game, with the hosts and callers going on and on about how badly the Eagles were going to crush the Bucs (I agreed!). When I got to my dorm room I was informed by my roommate, who got back before I did, that we had a serious plumbing issue. We were on the first floor, and somewhere below us the pipes were clogged. The result was that anytime someone on any of the floors above us flushed their toilet, it hit the clog and came back up and out of our toilet. He had already alerted maintenance, and they were doing a pretty good job keeping after it. He wasn't a huge sports fan, so volunteered to stay in our room and keep an eye on things while I want to watch the game with some friends. After the devastating blowout, I returned to find that the issue was still not fixed, and our toilet was still occasionally gurgling up sludge. After we pressed the university for some answers, we finally found out that they could not get a plumber out to fix the problem because the university had a contract with the plumbers' union, and EVERY plumber who was on weekend call (or however it works) had called out sick to watch the Eagles. And by the time that game ended, I'm sure all of them were also too drunk to fix whatever problem was plaguing our dorm's plumbing system.
Samer:
Once in Philly, I was playing catch in an alley with my friend and he overthrew the football, and when I went to get it, I picked it up and it was in a pile of human shit.
Kevin:
I own two Eagles jerseys: Bobby Hoying and Koy Detmer. I wear them both unironically.
Ian:
This is a fanbase that chants E-A-G-L-E-S in the subway on a Tuesday in March after going 4-12 the previous season. These fuck sticks chant it in the bathroom at Phillies games while they piss into trashcans and sinks. They chant it at weddings in South Jersey where the men are most likely wearing sweatpants and ties. These mouth breathing assholes chant it whenever there is one moment of silence in any public gathering. Fuck that chant.
David:
I went to the opening game against the Cardinals in 1999. One of the local television stations had a camera planted right by me, my best friend and my dad. The Eaglesplayed great in the first half and the cameraman caught us screaming, cheering, and jumping up and down like 10 times. We raced home and set our VCR to tape the evening local news. It was a pretty exciting moment for me as an 11 year old.
It turns out the whole story was about the new drunk tank and the very honorable Judge Seamus McCaffery. It was soul crushing. The only clip they used was my dad cheering after a touchdown with the Voice of God ominously pointing out that "WILD FANS…AND ALCOHOL…" cause bad shit happens or something. I don't even remember the rest of the quote but it has something to do with the drunk tank. Oh and we blew a 20 point lead in the second half to the Cardinals. Oh and fuck Doug Pederson.
Sean:
I worked at a local news station during the 2012 season (Andy Reid's last) and I screened calls for a short time while I was going to Villanova. Hearing Bobby from the Great Northeast (there is nothing great about Northeast Philadelphia unless you just really love methadone) complain about Andy Reid's clock management (reasonable) would inevitably lead to a rant about how {insert white backup quarterback from any team here] would be a better option than Michael Vick. Sure, maybe that's true, but let's be honest, this city is just full of racist white trash who get mad at anyone who tries to better themselves and leave.
Michael:
We haven't drafted a defensive player worth a damn since Brian Dawkins back in 1996 and that was before the Andy Reid regime.
Sam:
Because after one preseason game, local radio hosts were already talking about how long Nick Foles would be replaced by Mark Sanchez, the man who two years ago literally tried to run up his own lineman's asshole.
Fuck McNabb.
Gerald:
In the early '90s, the Eagles had a crapshow cornerback named Izel "Toast" Jenkins. He repeatedly got burnt in coverage. Today, every awful to mediocre member of their secondary is like an evil spawn of that motherfucker.
Logan:
Nick Foles SI cover looks like I tried to create Frankenberry in Skyrim and nailed it.
Steven:
The same Eagles fans that were happy to see Desean Jackson go after his best year to date, are the same people who continually post the Miracle at the Meadowlands 2 video with the caption "Goosebumps" or "SO PUMPED!". I hate these people and the fact that some of them are my friends just makes me sad.
Jack:
We employ the services of a blatantly bigoted asshole at WR who looks like Loki after a stroke.
Thomas:
Being an Eagles fan is like being the drunkest guy at Thanksgiving dinner. We shout inappropriate things in front of children and are always up in arms when we get called out for being drunken assholes. This Thanksgiving we have the privilege of being called out on National TV.
Nathan:
People rallied around Riley Cooper like he was the victim of a hate crime.
Dylan:
Angelo Cataldi is the fucking Antichrist.
Matthew:
For the past two weeks, the only thing I hear on the radio is the gurgling of Chip Kelly's balls and complaints about Taney's parade down Broad Street.
"That shit is reserved for champions in this city!"
So basically, no one.
Jack:
If you think there's a bigger bunch of pricks rooting for a football team, just remember that we actively celebrated as a fanbase when Tedy Bruschi nearly died from a stroke.
Luke:
Donovan McNabb is the best QB in franchise history but cornier than a Mexican street fair.
We just spent 150 million dollars to renovate our stadium. It's 10 years old and in a neighborhood with all the life and energy of a World War I Battlefield.
Philadelphia fans makes the Ferguson Police Department seem relaxed, level-headed, and poorly armed.
Bill:
My dad took my brother and I to an Eagles-Bears game in October 2000. I think it was in the twilight years of Veterans Stadium and Andy Reid's second season (when all we could talk about was the pickle juice game). After the game, we go back to the car to wait for the traffic to ease. We were parked in the one of the infamous Jetro parking lots, which was basically the Wild West of parking sections.
Close to where we parked, there was a gaggle of drunk Eagle fans trying to field goal kick through a really crappy pvc pipe field goal. I mean, this thing was maybe 5 pipes tops held together by glue and duct tape. My brother and I watched a series of guys either a) hit cars parked on either side of the upright b) kick their beer they set right next to the ball or c) whiff. The only person who made it was about an 8 year old kid. This is up until the last guy who absolutely drills the right upright causing the pipe to break loose. I remember watching this pipe in slow motion hit a guy grilling at the base of the upright. (Somehow this guy was oblivious to the fact he was grilling in the danger zone). The pipe drills him in the head, causing him to look at the upright, yell a series of obscenities and proceed to rip it down and smash every pipe to bits. I think that was more entertaining than the game.
Adam:
I know plenty of normal, highly successful, otherwise level headed people that if Jeremy Maclin drops a pass or DeMeco Ryans misses a tackle, will fly into an apoplectic rage as if someone had just killed their mother while simultaneously strangling 7 puppies right in front of them. It is almost Pavlovian. The second there is a bad call, a missed block, a muffed kick, anything, it's like a switch flips and the the entire city turns into Joe Pesci after Billy Bats tells him to get his shine box. It's not pretty.
Michael:
I can't bring myself to go back to the linc after seeing an eight year old girl in a Giants shirt get called a whore by our classy fans.
Stephen:
We ran last year's best receiver out of town (Desean Jackson) for maybe possibly being in a gang. The most damning proof being that he took pictures with childhood friends that might be in gangs; go figure someone who grew up in the hood knows people in gangs.
Ben:
Juan Castillo was once our defensive coordinator. Fuck that guy.
Jeffrey:
In 2010, my college roommate, a South Carolina-raised Falcons fan, and I road tripped to Philadelphia to watch the Eagles play the Falcons. He was worried about wearing Falcons kit; I told him he's fine since he's not a Cowboys or Giants fan (we just pity Redskins fans nowadays). When we get to our seats, my roommate is immediately accosted by the group of clearly inebriated 30-something jackoffs who have taken Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook as their role model. Did I mention this was a 1 pm game?
The part of this game everyone remembers is Dunta Robinson ramming a defenseless DeSean Jackson under the chinstrap with the crown of his helmet, dropping both of them like sacks of bricks to the turf for several minutes. My roommate lowered his head and started praying. You could have heard a pin drop in the stadium...until we hear the ringleader of the Philty lowlife bunch behind us say in a loud stage whisper "What kind of franchise allows a fucking dirtbag like that to play for them? They should take him out back and put him down like a rabid dog." Guess whose jersey he was wearing? Andre Waters, a player so versed in the art of chop-blocking the back of quarterback's legs his fucking nickname was Dirty Waters.
Fuck Eagles fans with McNabb's puke-soaked mouthguard.
Mike:
I'd be willing to bet 80% of Philadelphians would proclaim Koy Detmer or Jeff Garcia were better quarterbacks than Donovan McNabb.
Remind you, AJ Feeley was a fan-favorite in Philadelphia.
Andrew:
Riley Cooper is something of a folk hero in white south Philly, which is generally less tolerant than white south Africa.
Kevin:
We are all bipolar alcoholics.
Pat:
We got rid of Desean. We drafted a third round LB in the first round. Chip is already showing Andy Reid-esque tendencies of outsmarting himself.
MM:
Note the tattoo.
It's a swastika, if you can't make it out.
Bill:
After I married I brought my wife to a Vet game once. ONCE. I happened to choose the 1997 Mon night 49ers game, known forever as "the flare gun" game. A penalty on the opening kickoff set the tone for the night. A girl about 5 rows in front of me had on a Niners jersey, and after that opening flag she stood up and flipped off everyone around her. The barrage of food and drinks didn't let up until she left in the 2Q. It was drunken insanity throughout the stadium, topped off by a knucklehead shooting a flare gun into the seats on the opposite side. Time to go dear! I still haven't brought her back.
Steve:
Our QB set multiple NFL records last year, and probably sucks. His backup is more successful at wooing 17-year olds than completing forward passes and not fumbling off his own lineman's ass.
Michael:
The Eagles lost in the playoffs because their kickoff coverage gave up 30 yards on each return. And then their defense couldn't get off the field. How did they solve this problem? They cut their best wide receiver. Every Eagles fan agrees this was a great move because DeSean Jackson was a locker room distraction. The receiving corps now consists of a racist, a guy whose injuries in Madden carryover onto the fieldand 6 rookies.
32% of all calls on sports talk radio include the guy asking how come theEagles don't have at least 4 plays a game in which a defensive lineman plays fullback.
One of my closest friends has Eagles season tickets. He has a routine he follows whenever he enters a game. After tailgating for 3 hours, the only thing he will carry into the stadium with him is his ticket and $30. He leaves his wallet in the car. Once he enters the Linc, he rips the ticket in half and throws it into the trash. He does this so that if he gets into trouble with security at the stadium, they can't identify him or realize that he is a season ticket holder.
Bradley:
This past July, a bunch of friends and I rented a beach house in Cape Hatteras, NC. We picked it because it's blissfully quiet, undeveloped, and a generally chill place to spend a week doing nothing but sitting in the sand. When we arrived, we could barely get to our driveway. The houses on either side of us had so many F250s, Yukons, and Tahoes (not kidding, like 30+ cars) in their driveways that they were spilling out onto the street. Pennsylvania and Jersey tags. The recycling bins were overflowing with Stroh's, Natty fucking Ice, and empty packs of Marlboro Golds. I could hear the screams of what I assumed to be 40 or 50 kids coming from the pool out back. Nope, it was 40 adults and 10 kids. The kids were singing Let it Go at the top of their lungs while their drunk parents threw beer cans and solo cups at each other. Everyone had either a tribal tattoo or a tramp stamp. And everyone was wearing Eagles or Phillies shirts. Also, this was like 10am.
They ruined our vacation. Fuck the Eagles. But seriously, FUCK their fans.
Dan:
The worst thing about the Eagles has to be Philly sports radio, mainly Angelo Cataldi. Cataldi is an overpaid troll whose sole purpose to stir up shit and focuses almost exclusively on off-the-field and unrelated bullshit. He is the architect of one of the most disgusting acts in Eagles history where he organized thirty Eagles "fans" to go to the '99 NFL Draft and boo any selection that wasn't Ricky Williams, making what should have been Donavan McNabb's greatest moment a travesty. Cataldi, not wanting to be outdone by himself, organized another group of fans to boo McNabb when he returned to the Linc in 2011. He spearheaded a several year long assassination of both McNabb and Andy Reid to the point where a majority of his listeners/callers have it stuck in there head that mcNabb was atrocious and believe that Buddy, 0-3-in-the-playoffs-couldn't-run-an-offense-to-save-his-life, Ryan is far and away our franchise's best coach.
Jon:
Listening to Philly radio the other day: callers demanding Sanchez get snaps as the starter.
This is why we can't have good things.
Danny:
We cut a wide receiver because he happened to grow up with guys that became gang members, and extended a significantly worse wide receiver that yells slurs in public.
Austin:
EatDatPussy445.
Jeff:
The Eagles fight song sounds like it was written by a 3rd grader. "Fly, Eagles, fly, on the road to victory." What bird flies on a road?
Matt:
As a season ticket holder, I'd like to say... fuck that stupid, brain dead, "E-A-G-L-E-S" chant and the bottom feeders who feel it necessary to scream it:
-In the Linc parking lot
-During every non-Eagles game
-At every bar in the city
-After they make their brilliant point on sports talk radio
-Hell, even during an Eagles game
I hate the Eagles chant.
Cory:
My college buddies and I go camping every year in the northeastern part of Pennsylvania. This past year our camp neighbors were two Delco neanderthals who spent the better part of 48 hours smoking crack, drinking Bud heavies and blasting Van Halen. They came over to our campfire the 2nd night to reminisce about their kelly green eagles tailgate van that, and I quote, "got busted up by n****rs when we parked it behind Delilah's." Delilah's is a strip club. I swear on my dad's grave this is a 100% true story.
Anon:
Once, in a restroom in the 700 Level of the Vet, I saw a group of Eagles fans surround a visiting team's fan and refuse to let him free. The purpose: to ensure that he wouldn't be able to reach the urinals before he pissed himself.
This incident doesn't even make the list of the top ten worst things I've seen at Eagles games.
Cory:
If the Ferguson situation was happening in a Philly suburb like Chester or Upper Darby, our cops and white people would make Ferguson look like a game of two hand touch.
Matt:
Philadelphia is a wasps nest of the nastiest, uninteresting shitheads in America.
Chris:
When I was in 4th grade, my dad took me to an Eagles/Cowboys game at Veterans Stadium. He is not a big sports guy but he loves me and wanted to make me happy. Being "not a sports guy", he also didn't realize that sitting in the nosebleeds during that particular game while wearing a Penn State starter jacket was a terrible idea.
I was 10 years old and got hit with more airborne beer than the Blues Brothers during that Cage Show scene. Fully grown adults were physically harassing a 10 year old boy for wearing a jacket that had SLIGHTLY similar colors to the Dallas Cowboys. That same game I saw a man have his shirt ripped off and set on fire. I saw another Cowboys fan thrown by two big dudes from the top level down to the one below it.
Brian:
We have the single most selectively ignorant fan base in the entire fucking league. I'm not all that upset that we ran the best coach and QB this franchise has ever had out of town. What is infuriating is that every ignorant prick in green face paint likes to pretend that their tenures here were not just a waste of time, but a detriment to once dominant franchise. Check the fucking history. This team blew donkey dick for like 30 years before Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb showed up and then somehow despite their perceived shittiness proceeded to make the playoffs every year for the next ten years or so. There was an actual debate among these dumbshits (spearheaded by the leading fat fuck Craftmatic Adjustable Quarterbacks on Philly sports radio) as to whether to boo McNabb when the Eagles retired his fucking number. And yet people still treat Jeff Garcia like fucking Jesus for that miracle playoff run a few years ago.
Rick:
Seriously, the next so-called "fan" who says the Eagles should change back to the Kelly green uniforms because of Chip "Kelly", I will vomit all shades of green all over them.
David:
Someone in the front office decided you can never have enough shitty USC quarterbacking on your roster.
Steve:
Combined NFC East Super Bowl wins: 12 (or roughly a quarter of all Super Bowl wins)
Eagles: 0
Hank:
Philadelphia's inability to let go of past achievements or downfalls is awful. I know it's endemic in almost all NFL markets but goddamn if you don't hear a variation on this every hour of every day on Philly sports radio: If Andy wouldn't have done called that timeout, if Avant would've caught that pass, etc.
This is the same cheesesteak-addled city that continues to willingly blow copious amounts of smoke up Vince Papale's ass for 35 years now for being the Johnny Lunchpail, blue-collar tough guy representation of what Iggles football is all about.