Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. And buy Drew’s new book here.
Your team: Kansas City Chiefs.
Your 2015 record: 11-5. Hottest team in football to close out the regular season! You should make a banner of that. You just experienced a second year of Andy Reid playoff football, Kansas City. How’d it feel? Pretty bad? Ready to cut yourself? Are you now willing to accept ANY other head coach so that you don’t have to live through this recurring nightmare of steady, fruitless, B-minus football? I know I would be. Let’s get into it.
Your coach: Andy Reid. Time for the LSUFreek gif…
I needed that today. Anyway, I wish that I could have gotten an audio recording of every living American screaming in unison at this man through their televisions last January. It would have been majestic. Regardless of your race, or your religion, or your political affiliation, or even your feelings toward our National Anthem, the one thing that brings us together as a people is shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” at this… this breathtakingly oblivious man. Why is he so bad? Why can’t he LEARN? A nation stands in utter bafflement at you, Andy.
Shall we recap? We shall. Here we have the Patriots up 27-13 over the Chiefs with 6:29 left to go on the clock. Like Super Bowl XXXIX, this is a game that Andy Reid’s team was probably going to lose no matter what. But, just as in that game, the inevitable loss was exacerbated by a stunning and truly outrageous lack of urgency. The Chiefs used 5:16 of that remaining time to run 16 PLAYS, just to get within a touchdown. Nine of those 16 plays took them more than 20 seconds to run. Statistically, it was the second slowest drive by a losing team in history.
I couldn’t find video of the drive on the Internet for this preview, because the NFL is pissy about rights AND because homicide rates would triple if the footage remained public. Just thinking about that drive makes me angry, and I don’t even root for this bumbling loser franchise. And do you know what the worst part of it all was? That Reid DEFENDED it.
Reid said he believed it was more important to call plays that would work rather than hurry up the offense. “At that point it really didn’t matter to me,” Reid said. “I wanted to make sure we were calling the best plays… I thought we handled it right.”
NO YOU DIDN’T, YOU BIG DUMB IDIOT. YOU HANDLED IT ALL WRONG. THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! You blow a 38-10 lead to Indy, and now THIS? You are awful. Someone take his damn challenge flag away!
That’s more like it.
Your quarterback: Oh my God it’s Alex Smith again. Really. Another season of Alex Smith avoiding turnovers by throwing for five yards a game. One day, Alex Smith is gonna conduct a 38-play drive that lasts an entire half and ends in a missed field goal. It will be his masterpiece. The other team will subsequently score six touchdowns within the first three minutes of the second half. I can’t wait. Your backup is Nick Foles, because Kansas City can’t get enough of Philly’s leftovers.
What’s new that sucks: The Chiefs gave TMQ pegboy Eric Fisher (39th rated tackle according to Pro Football Focus last season) $40 million in guarantees while telling safety Eric Berry (very good, beat cancer) to screw off and play under the franchise tag. I’m sure Andy thinks he handled it right.
Oh, and you drafted Tyreek Hill! Congrats, Chiefs! You just drafted a wideout who choked his girlfriend while she was pregnant. I feel like if you’re the team that once employed Jovan Belcher, maybe you want to avoid players with anger issues. CALL ME NUTTY.
What has always sucked: Look, Jamaal Charles is gonna get hurt again. And even if he doesn’t get hurt, he’s gonna fumble the ball away when it will hurt YOU the most. That’s how Jamaal Charles works. I’m over him. He’s never doing that Priest Holmes impression again. This is already an anemic offense (Don’t you love that word? I think it’s been used at every stage of Alex Smith’s career to describe the offense he runs), and its anemia fluctuates on a weekly basis because of the unpredictable health status of Charles, Jeremy Maclin (who has already tweaked a groin in camp) and Travis Kelce.
Also, Brad Childress is still lurking in the press box, ready to fuck you blind the moment you come within arm’s reach of success. Do these fans deserve any better? LOL FUCK NO THEY DON’T. Not judging by this…
Paris of the Plains, my ass. Your city is nothing but a collection of methheads waiting to happen. You guys should get down on your knees and thank Christ that you share a state with St. Louis, otherwise the rest of the world would focus on YOUR trashiness. At its best, Kansas City is average. At its worst, it does literal harm to the country. The newspaper there is responsible for unleashing Joe Posnanski AND Jason Whitlock upon the world. Nice job, assholes.
This is a place known for shit that you can get in many other places: barbecue, jazz, forged Oxycontin prescriptions, etc. It has nothing to call its own, really. Our own Jordan Sargent said the BBQ there tastes like coagulated motor oil (GET HIM). Marchman says they just scrape the gunk off a bottle of Heinz, put it on fat, and claim it’s “the real BBQ.” (GET HIM, TOO). Everything in KC is a second-rate version of something else. It claims it’s a big jazz hotbed because Count Basie played there almost 100 years ago before he saved up enough money to go to a real city. Every year, Yankees announcer and raging idiot Michael Kay schedules his time off for when the Yankees are on the road against the Royals, just so he doesn’t have to go to Kansas City. It’s a running joke in the booth.
The point is that Kansas City sucks and there’s no reason to ever go there. Justin Houston is still hurt.
What might not suck: Love this mural:
That still hangs in the Kansas state capitol! Amazing. [Correction: Too bad the Chiefs play in Missouri.]
Let’s remember some Chiefs:
J.J. Birden! (I had to tack on a sixth when I remembered him)
Hear it from Chiefs fans!
Last year my submission was “Nothing they do matters.” They proceeded to have a pretty decent season, won a playoff game for the first time since the first Clinton administration, and yet, AND YET, I still feel the exact fucking same.
In the NFL landscape of Haves and Have Nots, the Chiefs are decidedly of the latter. We’re happy to keep our heads down and carry on with our insignificant endeavors. At times we find ourselves fantasizing about what it would be like to make the cover of a national magazine, or to enjoy two weeks in a row without hearing Ian Eagle’s voice at noon on Sundays.
These thoughts will lead to secret candlelit meetings where we regale the Bills, Titans and the other NFL Have-Nots with tales of seeing your stadium with its lights on and the pride a team can take when Inside the NFL actually mentions your game.
The dissent will spread through our Small Market Shanty Town. Adults will scroll Joe Buck’s name in the dirt floor of our hovels so young ones can take turns spitting on it. We will whistle the Hunger Games jingle to the Jags as we pass each other in the fields. An air of confidence that we haven’t experienced in decades will take hold. Pitchforks will be sharpened, crude armor fashioned. Plans to storm the gates and seize the means of productions will be agreed upon with the Raiders and the Bucs.
Then, on a chill clear morning, Jerry’s choppers will descend from the skies. Legions of Storm Troopers will round us into the town square. The Chiefs will be selected as the leader from the crowd and thrown in the mud before Darth Ginger. He has heard of our plans, and will offer a deal to spare our women and children. We only have to kiss the NFC East emblem on his ring. A cruel smile creeps onto his face.
After being scourged, flayed and castrated, the Chiefs will have the honor of being hanged in front of our brothers in rebellion. Solemn tears of admiration will stream down their faces as our body goes limp. Without delay they will be pistol-whipped towards the woods where a freshly dug grave awaits them.
After elating me by winning their first playoff game since I was in grade school, Kansas City played a tough game against New England in the Divisional round. Said game culminated in the absolute SLOWEST hurry up offense I have ever witnessed. Just a bunch of Chiefsplayers/coaches just hanging out watching the world go by. Apparently one playoff victory per 20 years is all we can have.
And why the fuck didn’t Berry get signed to a long-term deal? The man goes through intense chemo to come back and help lead KC to the playoffs and he gets the franchise tag? Alex “200 yards and one touchdown” Smith is getting $18 million a year, for fuck’s sake.
At least Charles’ annual leg injury is coming up soon, so there’s that.
It’s pathetic enough that their best quarterbacks in my lifetime (early 20s) are Trent Green and Alex Smith, but let’s take a look at the jamokes between them: Damon Huard, Brodie Croyle, Tyler Thigpen, Matt Cassel, Tyler Palko, Kyle Orton (!!!), Brady Quinn. A murderer’s row of grit lords that couldn’t even earn the affection of us Midwestern twats, whose thinly-veiled racism and insufferable small-town-syndrome-disguised-as-humility is barely topped by St. Louis fans. The Chiefs haven’t been in a Super Bowl since Jimi Hendrix was alive, but at least Guinness World Records acknowledged us for being the most loud and obnoxious goobers in the world (twice)!
Hell, we’re even happy with Andy Reid as a head coach compared to shitheaps like Todd Haley and Herm Edwards. Fuck Herm with a live alligator.
At least I got to witness a Chiefs playoff win in my lifetime. It was nice feigning happiness for a few fleeting moments with my dad and grandpa (who’ve suffered much longer than I), all of us fully cognizant of our inevitable Beli-dicking by a real football team in the next round.
I met Elvis Grbac at a sporting goods store when I was 5 or so. I excitedly ran up to him and wished him good luck for the next game, amazed that the players I watched on TV were real people too. They lost.
Go Royals, I guess. Fuck Scott Pioli.
I’m a life-long Chiefs fan and KC native that now lives in Utah. I’ll save you the lengthy rant (I’m sure you’ve received plenty of those), I’ll just reiterate that the Chiefs have still not won a game with a QB they have taken in the draft since in 1987. That QB was Todd Blackledge, who we selected instead of Jim Kelly & Dan Marino who were still on the board at the time.
Every time Alex Smith gets sacked, Andy Reid devises a plan to either A) Run the ball on 3rd & 25, or B) Have Jamaal Charles and Travis Kelce run flat routes, just to see who gets hurt or killed faster.
Fuck this franchise with Trent Green’s dick.
No matter how huge of a lead or how much time is left on the clock, they WILL find a way to fuck it up.
Baby Andy Reid can manage the clock better than actual Andy Reid.
The Chiefs are so futile that their playoff win last year over a Brian Hoyer-led Texans team immediately became the second best Chiefs moment of my life, and I’m going to be 33 in a few months.
The greatest Chiefs moment of my life would be when they went to the AFC Championship game back in January of 1994. Yes, January ‘94, when Ace of Base was at the top of the pop charts and OJ Simpson was only known for football and Naked Gun movies.
Two World Series appearances and all of a sudden we’re 90% a baseball town, just like that. We’re St. Louis West.
The Chiefs won their first playoff game in 22 years(!), in a game that was actually pretty boring. Then, the next playoff game against the Patriots, you could’ve timed our 2-minute drill with sundial. Seriously, what the fuck? I’d heard all the clock management warnings from Philadelphia fans, but I didn’t listen. After the Chiefs lost in the playoffs I spent the rest of the off-season alienating all of my non-KC friends with my bitter, hostile, Al-Jazeera/Peyton Manning truthering.
The Chiefs sucking provided a platform for Jason Whitlock to groom his bad take skills for many, many years. I used to work for a Kansas City comedy club, and one night Whitlock rolls in with a group of friends. He gets the front-row VIP booth like a baller. Who’s he there to see???....Dustin Diamond. Fuckin’ Screech, man.
Alex Smith is the only QB on the roster to throw a pass in a regular season game. This is pretty risky for a team that loves veteran backups from other teams. I expect a mid-season trade for Blaine Gabbert AND Colin Kaepernick once Smith gets injured because he game-managed too hard or something.
You just know our Color Rush game is going to be some hot garbage. Should we go with baby-poop mustard yellow or creamy, tomato soup red? They should add Ronald McDonald facepaint to each player and coach for the full effect.
Clark Hunt has the same haircut as a Lego man.
Fuck John Elway with Alex Smith’s tiny Trump hands.
The worst part about being a Chiefs’ fan, aside from actually going to the Ozark reunion that is Arrowhead stadium, is the fact that they are always juuuuust good enough to string us along. We don’t generally lose in heartbreaking fashion, and with the playoff win last year, we no longer hold an embarrassing streak of playoff futility. But we know we have no prayer of winning a Super Bowl. This could be said of a lot of teams, because really there are about 6 teams that could win the Super Bowl in any given year. But only one of the other 24 teams in the league is quarterbacked by Alex Smith, who is the plain Greek yogurt of NFL quarterbacks.
Still fuck Lin Elliot.
Here are some reasons why the Chiefs suck:
1) Announced Justin Houston had torn ACL surgery and the team’s medical examiner stated that the ACL “wasn’t torn” but that it quote “wasn’t working.”
2) Andy Reid’s two minute drill in the playoffs lasted approximately 12 hours and 22 minutes and in training camp it has been reported that they will be “spending a lot of time” working on the two minute drill, despite the fact that this continuously comes up with Andy Reid teams.
3) The Chiefs made a point to state they draft high character players, then drafted three players with their first five picks who were kicked off their teams for crimes that ranged from “plagiarism” to “choking their pregnant girlfriend”.
Good lord, MacGruber manages a clock better than Andy Reid.
The Chiefs had their home opener last year vs. the Broncos on Thursday Night Football. We were all pretty pumped after killing the Texans in week 1 (thank you, Brian Hoyer). I decided to print out a huge picture of Peyton Manning’s head and make the forehead four times as big as it is in real life (it was huge). I got out to Arrowhead and was greeted with laughs and high fives. Pictures of myself and the cutout made it onto some pretty big Twitter accounts and the retweets and likes got pretty high. Even Broncos fans thought it was funny and were asking me to take pictures. I felt pretty cool and it was easily the highlight of my life.
Everything was going great until the fourth quarter of that fateful night. Jamaal Charles must have been told on the sideline that he was now the quarterback for the Broncos because with 35 seconds left in a tied ball game, he decided to hand the ball off to Bradley Roby of the Broncos for the go ahead touchdown. My “awesome” picture of Peyton Manning had now become a curse, with both Broncos and fellow Chiefs fans flipping me off on the way out and telling me how stupid my Peyton picture and Boomer Grigsby jersey were. I deserved every four letter word thrown my way.
Oh, and fuck Dwayne Bowe.
Our self-proclaimed KC Super Fans have their own trading cards. One of them set the Guinness Book of World Records for watching 70 straight hours of football, because why not?
Our fans love to fight each other more than the opposing ones. I’ve seen two brothers (rocking jean shorts, no less) duking it out after a win, a dad doing a keg stand next to his kids, and enough Camaros and lifted trucks with ball ornaments to fill an Amazon warehouse.
Fuck Carl Peterson.
Fuck Herm Edwards.
Next year will never come, and writing this makes me want to jump ship to free my mind from insanity. But I’d probably encounter a time management blunder with my jump and hit the rocks instead of the water.
Andy Reid still has the time management skills of a college kid writing a term paper at 6:00 a.m. the day it’s due.
After the Chiefs’ 2009 season, I went to a Target in January to get a jersey on clearance. I chose a Matt Cassel away jersey over a Jamaal Charles home jersey. Why, I’ll never know, but it’s a moot point, because I can’t fit into the jersey anymore anyway. Fuck the Patriot Way and fuck Scott Pioli.
I was at the game against the Lions in the 2011 season where Charles tore his ACL by running into their fucking mascot. We lost 48-3. I cried in the bathroom.
Oh, and fuck me for thinking Andy Reid wouldn’t perform the coaching equivalent of a shart during the second half of the most important Chiefs game of my lifetime.
The biggest upside to being a Chiefs fan is that as I get older and fatter there are plenty of ratty L or XL jerseys available for cheap at the Goodwill.
The Chiefs have lost FOUR DIFFERENT TIMES in their playoff opener to the Colts in the last 21 years, each one of which is even more improbable than the previous one.
1995: The Chiefs, 13-3 in the regular season and 8-0 at home, struggle with the Jim Harbaugh-led 9-7 Colts at Arrowhead. Four turnovers and THREE missed field goals by Lin Elliot later, the Chiefs lose 10-7 in overtime.
2003: The Chiefs, 13-3 in the regular season and 8-0 at home, put up over 400 yards of offense (which is like, 2,500 yards in today’s NFL format) and do not punt the football once, but Captain Omaha Fivehead Cyborg leads the Colts to a 38-31 victory.
2006: The Chiefs possess Larry Johnson and his franchise-record 1,789 rushing yards. The Colts’ run defense was dead last in the league in rushing yards per game allowed. Johnson rushes for just 32 yards and the Chiefs are blown out, 23-8.
2013: The granddaddy of them all, Andy Reid and the Chiefs hold a 38-10 lead with under 29 minutes left. At that point in the game, we all knew what was going to happen. Over the last 29 minutes of that game, the Chiefs led for over 90% of the time. They ran 34 offensive plays in that stretch – 26 of them were passing plays. Despite having a monumental lead in the second half of a playoff game, Andy Reid was still electing to throw the football the entire time.
The only other pre-2016 Chiefs playoff games in my lifetime? A 1997 (13-3 regular season, 8-0 at home) home loss to the Broncos because Elvis Grbac is soft and a 2010 home loss to the Ravens where Matt Cassel posted this stat line: 9/18, 70 yards, 0 TD, 3 INT. It took until my junior year of college to see the Chiefs win a playoff game, and even that shouldn’t technically count because it was against Brian Hoyer, the only man with a worse playoff QB performance than Cassel.
Also, the Chiefs haven’t drafted a quarterback in the first round in 33 years, and they haven’t won a Super Bowl in 46 years. They’re the only franchise in the NFL that does not understand this correlation. Can’t wait to see what 49ers backup they trade for when Alex Smith suffers a career-ending injury because No. 1 overall draft pick Eric Fisher gets pancaked by Von Miller.
Fuck Scott Pioli Forever.
Submissions for the Deadspin NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Oh boy. Oh baby…