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Some people are fans of the Los Angeles Chargers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Los Angeles Chargers. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: San Dieg … oh. Oh, right.

I have a friend who was a San Diego Chargers fan and disavowed them after the move. But I had COMPLETELY forgotten about all that by April, and texted him for his reaction when they drafted Mike Williams. Like, “Ya like the pick?”-type garbage. Do NOT do this to a former Chargers fan. They don’t forgive you for this kind of oversight. I am a bad friend.

Your 2016 record: 5-11. And I think we all remember the best part of it:

What a moment. Oh, and I guess there was some football stuff too. Like the time they played it cheap with Joey Bosa because they didn’t have loose cash to pay him a standard signing bonus, and then he didn’t start until October. Or the time they saved the Browns from going 0-16. Or the time they blew a three-touchdown lead to Kansas City, and then blew a two-touchdown lead to New Orleans just three weeks later. Or the botched snap against Oakland. You will never find a more entertainingly shitty team than these Chargers. They choke. They masturbate. They lose in downright EROTIC fashion. If there are five minutes left in a Chargers game, stop whatever you’re doing and get your ass to a TV, because you are about to witness professional incompetence at its finest:

Jesus. I wouldn’t trust the Chargers to protect a sack of groceries. They can’t even roll out a new logo without fucking it up. Anyway, this team’s torturous last season in San Diego was presided over by local golf pro Mike McCoy, whose only idea to stave off crushing last-second losses was to yell at the kicker. He’s gone now, replaced by …

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Your coach: Uh … who was it? They hired someone, right? God, I’m drawing a blank here. Was it a Ryan brother? No, that doesn’t sound right. I know they didn’t hire a Gruden. I would have remembered that. God dammit …

[checks]

Oh right! They hired Anthony Lynn, architect of the powerhouse that was the 2016 Buffalo Bills offense. The Bills ranked 30th in passing last season. In Lynn’s only game as interim head coach, they got outscored 30-10 by the Jets. I’m at a loss here. This guy must have been a hell of an interview. He must have done a bunch of awesome coin tricks, or slipped Charlize Theron’s number to Dean Spanos or something.

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One of his first moves as Chargers head coach was to forbid Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates from going to LaDainian Tomlinson’s Hall of Fame induction. Such a strong move. No better way for a rookie coach to endear himself to a team than by treating its two most respected veterans and family men like children.

Your quarterback: Now that Tony Romo has retired, I think it’s time we pay some long overdue attention to Marmalard’s penchant for committing horrific, backbreaking turnovers at the exact wrong moment:

This man turned the ball over 30 times last season. He has taken the Chargers to as many Super Bowls as Ryan Leaf. The only reason Philip Rivers doesn’t get as much as shit as Eli Manning is because he doesn’t look like Eli Manning. But that old-timer can derp away a game with the best of them. And he’s only getting older. I look forward to seeing him back in the two-minute drill this fall, forcing throws into triple coverage while his knees are wrapped in construction scaffolding.

What’s new that sucks: RIP San Diego Chargers 1960-2017. You will always be remembered fondly as the team that never won anything and had all its players die young.

But all things must pass, and thus the Chargers have headed north to be reborn as the OTHER team that LA doesn’t want. After San Diego voters told the team get fucked, owner and Third-String Bad Guy In A Lethal Weapon Film Dean Spanos exercised his option to move to L.A. and be Stan Kroenke’s designated cuckboy for time eternal. Imagine that. Imagine somehow being less relevant than the RAMS, of all teams. NFL owners worship money like it’s a Mayan deity and even THEY thought this move was a horrible, awful idea that could do enormous long-term damage to the sport.

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But Spanos moved anyway, if only so he could finally realize his dream of becoming the NFL’s West Coast answer to Stephen Ross: using his ownership of a team to curry favor with D-list celebs and dipshit posers. Look at my man trying to go full El Lay and dressing like he’s on the red carpet for the premiere of My Cousin Vinny 2:

“I’m L.A. now, guys!” Dean Spanos is perhaps the best example of the world’s billionaire problem, a man whose wealth is no match for his irrationality. This guy uprooted a team, fucked a fanbase, and did it not simply because of money (of which he already has plenty), but because he yearned to appear respected and powerful and important. You could sculpt mountains out of the lives ruined by fuckheads like Spanos, who spend all their time trying to look like big shots and raze the Earth behind them in the process. In reality, he’ll never be anything more than a pathetic trust fund baby. He can go to hell. He’s sure got the right team for the journey.

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On the field, the team drafted Mike Williams (the NFL’s 90th Mike Williams, by my count) even though receiver was arguably one of their stronger areas. Williams is now feared to be lost for the season. Second round linemen Forrest Lamp already tore his ACL. JESUS. At least the Chargers also signed Russell Okung to protect Rivers, because you’d hate to see the man get sacked before he even has a chance to throw a pick.

Also, since the Rams new stadium has already been delayed due to a surprisingly woke God, the Chargers will be forced to play for at least three seasons in the 30,000-seat Legal Scalper Center. I can think of no greater metaphor for America’s collective indifference to the Chargers than the idea of them playing on a soccer field.

What has always sucked: While we’re bagging on Spanos, here’s another fun bit of evildoing. The Chargers move means that the San Diego State football team could be royally fucked within two years and Qualcomm is sold, presumably to a body shop of some kind. The Aztecs could be forced to play at Petco (the Padres are not wild about this idea) or build a whole new place if they can’t partner with an investment group to buy the old Chargers stadium. So there you have it. Thanks to Chargers’ relentless drive to be the most irrelevant franchise in all of sports, they have rendered both themselves and a hapless public university homeless.

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Did you know? Philip Rivers has more children than new backup Cardale Jones has completions. THE MORE YOU KNOW.

What might not suck: This guy:

 HEAR IT FROM CHARGERS FANS!

Stephen:

Dean Spanos.

Alex:

Eat all the Shit you fat fuck.

Jay:

I almost rage punched my monitor typing out the team name there in the header.

Rich:

Here’s the thing about the Chargers as an organization: Fuck the Chargers. Double fuck the entire Spanos family. Here’s a relocation idea: put them all into a rocket ship and shoot them directly at the sun.

Robert:

I put up with their bullshit for all of my life and they just up and left town. So Dean Spanos can get a burning taint rash and I hope they go 0-16.

Brett:

Watching this team leave for LA has been the spiritual equivalent of passing a 55-year-old kidney stone except the kidney stone’s net worth increased by 2 billion dollars for its exit.

James:

Anyone still wearing Chargers gear in San Diego should be thrown off the Coronado Bridge.

Justin Halpern:

People keep asking me if I’m going to still root for the Chargers now and I say no. And then they say “But what if they fucking kill it this year!” and then I know I’m talking to someone who has a child’s mind and has never actually watched one moment of Chargers football. Look, if they went to the Super Bowl and old Phil was throwing touchdowns to Demarcus Orange (This is not a real player but by the end of the year, when EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SKILL PLAYER ON THE CHARGERS IS INJURED, I promise you he will be throwing to a wide receiver who is named something like this), then yeah, I’m only fucking human, I will probably end up rooting for the team that I have obsessed over for thirty plus years. And I will not feel guilty about it, because why the fuck do I not deserve joy?

But here’s the thing: IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. The Chargers CAN NEVER NOT CHARGER. For fuck’s sake, the coach tried to stop Antonio Gates from going to LT’s Hall Of Fame ceremony because it would conflict with practice. Antonio Gates is 37 and is capable of running three yards and then turning just as a football lands in his stomach. You don’t need to practice that shit. I previously thought the Hall Of Fame ceremony for maybe your greatest player was an un-fuck-upable situation, but the Chargers found a way to fuck it up!

Having said that I will root for them if they set the world on fire, let me tell you about the other side of that coin. When they are 4-7 after having the lead in the fourth quarter of all eleven games, and the Stub Hub center is filled entirely of opposing fans, my dick will never be harder. I hope they cut to Spanos’ pothole-filled fucking face more than they’ve ever cut to anyone in the history of any broadcast ever. Seeing him realize he’s such a fucking nobody will be the greatest pleasure this NFL season could bring me, FAR more than a Chargers Super Bowl victory.

William:

What happens if there are no Chargers fans? If the Chargers suck in LA and nobody is around to see it, do they not still suck?

Ryan:

They had to give out free jerseys to get people to show up at a dumb ass pep rally in LA! They released the stupidest possible logo that every single brand on twitter goofed on within minutes! Their first round draft pick managed to fool their crack scouting department about a major back injury! This all happened in ONE offseason. At least I can take comfort in the fact that Dean’s nepotism and his kids’ incompetency means there is absolutely no chance that these assholes will turn it around and get a winning product in LA. Fuck them all with a rusty chainsaw.

Adam:

If anything bad happens to Joey Bosa this year, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

Steve:

Their whole team will be injured by week 3. Joey Bosa will probably burst into flames, or find some other new way of getting dead.

Phillip Rivers career is coming to a close…and although I know your love for him will never fade, I will miss that stupid shot putt, sidearm, softball pitch, Dave-Dravecky broken arm motion he has. It’s a shame that the Chargers had two great QB’s, Fouts and Rivers, yet they got to a Super Bowl with fatty Stan Humphries as their QB.

Robert:

1. When the Chargers announced they were moving to LA, it didn’t even make the front page of the LA Times.

 

2. The Chargers will be the fourth-most popular football team in Los Angeles.

Tim:

Dean Spanos can still eat a bag of dicks.

Adam:

They moved into a market where they are 8th most popular NFL team behind the Raiders, Rams, Patriots, Cowboys, Packers, Bears, and LA Xtreme.

Hunter:

Keenan Allen looked like the best player in the NFL for the first half of week 1. He tore his ACL before halftime. After he left, the team blew an insurmountable lead. Danny Woodhead was out for the season by week 2. Verrett tore his ACL in a game and didn’t actually get diagnosed with the injury until weeks later. Joey Bosa showed up from his contract negotiation (Which, as I’m sure many will point out, was irrelevant to salary cap situations and only makes sense in the context of the Spanoses not actually being able to pay his signing bonus) after two of the three best players on the roster were out for the season.

This team’s medical staff is absolutely terrifying. They’ve put players that seemed visibly concussed back into games on multiple occasions. Their injury rate, particularly on the O-line, is so consistently abnormal that it becomes hard to blame it on “Injury luck” year after year.

Many will say the Spanoses held the city hostage, but they didn’t even have the politeness to do that. They never once intended to stay in San Diego, and instead of putting in a good faith effort to do it (Something that all information seems to indicate is what the NFL wanted from the beginning), they submitted a proposal they knew would fail so they would look like an orphaned team in the eyes of owners. They are starting 2017 with a bigger marketing push than they ever gave their poison pill downtown stadium proposal, absolutely enamored with the fate Dean Spanos has wanted for as long as he could remember: Being the Clippers of Football.

They’re the Birthday Party Team now. Want to go to a generic game of football? Let’s see the Chargers! Need a place for your corporate events but the office is split between Rams fans and Raiders fans? Nothing more inoffensive than a nice Jaguars-Chargers game in beautiful Carson!

At least they’ll sell out the Raiders games.

San Diego is not only left without a team, but we’re left with the NFL still considering the Chargers our home team. You’ll hear Baltimore fans say “At least Cleveland kept their history!” and, you know what? They’re right. I’d rather be a Browns fan in 1996 than this. After LT gets his Hall of Fame plaque, there’s nothing left for us.

Fuck Dean Spanos. Fuck Mike McCoy. Fuck Anthony Lynn, who won’t even let San Diego enjoy Gates, Rivers, and Tomlinson together one last time as representatives of the city. Fuck Tom Telesco. Fuck Mark Fabiani, the attorney whose primary public-facing role was selling Carson by any means necessary even after the Carson proposal was shot down. Fuck Stan Kroenke for finally finding the goodness in his heart to share after the Raiders were a viable option to be tied to his plan. Fuck the Raiders. Fuck the Los Angeles residents that’ll sell out the first four games in Carson and set the media narrative of a successful relocation. Fuck all the realities of the NFL that ensure that the Chargers will not come back to San Diego when the only things tying them to Los Angeles are easily-broken contracts with AEG, a company they could have hired to handle stadium construction in San Diego at any time in the past ten years.

More than anything else, fuck me. After all, I’m the one who grew up between Sacramento and San Diego and, instead of choosing to cheer for a successful team from San Francisco or Los Angeles like the smart kids, choosing to tie my interest to sports as a whole to the Chargers, the Padres, the Kings, SDSU football, and SDSU basketball. Fuck me, man.

Robert:

Marmarlard is commuting to LA. That’s right, this team’s slogan is “Fight for LA”, and the face of the franchise for the last decade has opted to hang back in San Diego with a bunch of people who now despise the team he plays for. I drive to San Diego every few months to see my folks, and despite what many seem to think, this is not some Sunday afternoon joyride commute from Oakland to San Francisco. That drive is usually 3-4 hours.

As a side note, whatever car he chooses to take on that commute is going to break down and fall into the Pacific Ocean. I shit you not, the last time Philip Rivers had his #1 and #2 WRs stay healthy all season was 2009 (see below). Everything that this man surrounds himself with ends up broken. The preseason has not started, and both Mike Williams (draft pick number 1!) Forest Lamp (draft pick number 2!) are already injured and most likely done for the entire season. Say what you will about Marmalard, but Jesus fucking Christ, it’s a marvel that this man has maintained his religion. I lost mine sometime back in 2012, when the Chargers still had Norv Turner.

Popular opinion among many is that since LA is close to San Diego, this move will be relatively painless for the Chargers. But if you know anything about Los Angeles, you know better. You would have better luck getting a group of elementary school boys to enjoy five straight hours of CSPAN than to get this city to fake interest in a Chargers game. Earlier this year, Chargers players showed up at a Clippers game and got booed. The people at that Clippers game probably didn’t look up from their Instagrams for the entirety of the game to cheer on any actual basketball being played, but they were instantly ready to tell practically anonymous Chargers players to eat shit.

The Chargers art department manages to make George W. Bush’s recent paintings look like they belong in the Louvre.

Curtis:

First things first, Fuck Dean Spanos.

Second, as a native son of San Diego, Fuck Dean Spanos. This guy thinks LA is going to embrace the Chargers? After 40 years of mostly shitting the bed, always snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and wasting Rivers prime with castoffs and literal guys off the street; he thinks the capital of West Coast “meh” attitude, with all of their transplants, will rally behind the Chargers. They couldn’t even support the goddamn Rams when they returned.

Every native San Dieagan HATES LA and everything in it. It’s how were are raised. “Beat LA” chants were started here. Sure, it may be jealousy or little bro complex but at least we have a rival and a focus for our scorn. Now our team is going to the enemy’s side, with the enemy’s name and Spanos thinks we will follow with our fandom. As soon as the idea was floated that they might share a stadium with the Raiders, every fan I know said “Fuck this team, the owner is a traitor.”

I hope, nay am certain, LA will reject the Chargers like the terminal disease it currently is and Dean will have to sell the team and cry crocodile tears. I really think he is moving the team to boost its value so he can sell high and be done with it. Too bad this move will reduce its value since nobody is going to support them. Paving the way for the new owner to move the team wherever they want due to “lack of support”. Mark my words, this is going to happen. I would be surprised if even 100 “fans” showed up at the Stubhub Center this year.

Lastly, fuck Dean Spanos in the ass with Boltman’s head covered in Cholula...infinity.

Cameron:

If we’re worse than the Rams in LA I will lose my shit.

Nolan:

I was up in Big Bear for vacation when the move happened. I had limited network and phone access (thanks, T-Mobile!) so I had no idea that it happened until a couple days after the fact.

As I was driving down the mountain, my phone immediately blew up with app and news notifications announcing the move, along with texts, voicemails and messages from friends and family telling me about it. As I kept reading their messages, they started getting more and more frantic and worried, as if they were taking my silence as a message of grief and thought I had harmed myself or something like that. Not only did I have to deal with the shitstorm of the move, but I also had to return a bunch of calls messages assuring everyone that I was still alive.

The sad thing is, I’m not even from San Diego. I’m from Orange County.

Also, the most excited I ever got last season was when Joey Bosa signed his contract after that long-ass holdout. I actually cheered.

I don’t even know why I’m still a fan of this team.

Justin:

This relocation is so poorly-conceived that during the team’s on-air “celebration” of the announcement almost every official team representative speaking into the camera forgot to call the team the “Los Angeles” Chargers.

Oh, and their logo looked like a white trash Dodgers tattoo.

Darrel:

My uncle died in 2006. The last game of the season, after he’d gotten sick but before it’d gotten bad, I went over to his house and we watched the Chargers. It ended up being Drew Brees’ last game as a Charger, but we didn’t know that at the time. They lost, because they always lose, but we didn’t expect anything else, because we never do.

He gave me a hat. Powder blue, not “officially” licensed, but when your city is next door to Tijuana, things happen. It was the last thing he gave me.

The NFL is a greedy business, and we’ve all heard the metaphors. Your team leaving is a breakup, or a death, divorce, whatever. It’s none of those things, it’s its own thing. There’s a big part of me that’s glad they’re gone. On balance, the team almost certainly brought more misery into my life than joy. They were pathetic, infuriating, frustrating, and depressing almost all the time. Our city doesn’t need them, no city needs an NFL team, but ours in particular.

Still, there is something sad about this part of the culture being gone. The Chargers were the thing you talked about when you didn’t have anything to talk about. They were part of the background noise of being a San Diegan. They wove themselves into the fabric of this city the way few other things could. They were a way for an uncle and nephew, who wanted to reach out to each other, could.

And then they were gone. The reasons don’t matter. A few fans didn’t care, most raged. There were public bonfires of old jerseys. Good for them. I donated my old Tomlinson jersey and the shirt I still had. I’m out, I’m done, is what I tell myself. And I am. I’m leaving my NFL fandom behind, forever. But I’m not really done, I’ll never really be done. Because I’m keeping the hat.

Jeff:

I’ve been a Charger fan since I watched them make their run to the Super Bowl when I was 10... you know what? Fuck this. I don’t want to spend the next 15 minutes reliving the last 23 years of shame, rage and disappointment. Fuck Norv Turner, fuck Schottenheimer for passing on 2nd and 3rd down against the Pats with under 4:00 to go and the best running back on the fucking planet and fuck Spanos with a rake for literally hundreds of reasons.

Jason:

When they packed up and left in January, I wasn’t sad or angry -I was relieved. Like most Chargers fans, I found losing the team a small price to pay for ridding San Diego of the Spanos clan, the worst owners in all of professional sports. I wasn’t alone.

Jay:

FUCK THE SPANOS FAMILY WITH DEAN’S POTATO HEAD. FUCK GORDON WITH HIS YPC FOR SAYING THE REAL FANS WOULD FOLLOW THE TEAM TO LA. FUCK JARED GAITHER, DAVID BOSTON, ORLANDO FRANKLIN, DONALD BUTLER, ETC ETC ETC

Submissions for the Deadspin NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Carolina Panthers.