Photo: Getty

Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2018 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Kansas City Chiefs.

Your 2017 record: 10-6. Oh wait, did I say 10-6? Because what I meant was 21-3. 21-3 21-3 21-3 21-3 21-3 21-3 21-3 21-3 21-3 21-3 21-3 21-3 21-3.

Man, you guys should thank god every day that that Atlanta Falcons once blew a huge lead in an even bigger game, because otherwise I would tattoo 21-3 on your right asscheek and 38-10 on your left.

Advertisement

What I respect about Andy Reid is that he manages to find a way to not only collapse during the course of a full season (a 5-0 start became 6-6), but also during the course of a vital playoff game to PUNCTUATE that greater collapse. Every year is like a Russian nesting doll of choke jobs. This team destroyed the Patriots in the first game of the season (complete with gratuitous nut shot!) and, in the process, spawned a cottage industry of “Chiefs a Super Bowl contender?” takes that were so insincere they could have been issued on White House letterhead. The Chiefs? A Super Bowl contender? Yeah no, I don’t think so. NOT MY FIRST RODEO WITH THESE DIPSHITS. Here’s what inevitably happened instead:

The best part is that the Titans didn’t even WANT to win that game. They didn’t! Owner Amy Strunk wanted them to lose so that she could make a clean break from Mike Mularkey and move on to an even worse coach. But the Chiefs REFUSED to oblige her.

Advertisement

That’s where you’re wrong, sir

During the course of any Chiefs’ playoff loss, there are roughly 17 very small things they can do to prevent a tragedy, and they NEVER do them. In the Tennessee game, they doinked a seemingly innocuous field goal off the uprights, which turned out to be the difference. They let Marcus Mariota throw a touchdown pass to himself. They gained all of 56 yards in the second half and refused to run the goddamn ball. As with so many other Andy Reid losses, they never even got the ball back to mount a final drive to try to win. They just sputtered and died. Fix ANY of that and the Chiefs escape to be humiliated in the following round. But they didn’t because…

Your coach: SANTIE CLAUS!!!!

Advertisement

HO HO HO! Why, little Marcus, you can have ALL our leads! I love Andy Reid. Honestly. He’s big and jolly and somehow one of the league’s better play-callers even though he still manages to call the exact wrong play at the exact wrong time. His teams are so much fun to watch for, like, nine weeks … right before everything falls apart. When everything is on the line, they will morph into the most turgid, lifeless team you’ve ever seen. It’s Andy’s hallmark.

But hey, at this point, Andy is family to us all. He visits our homes every year, makes us laugh for a while, and then accidentally trips and pisses on the staircase. Oh, Uncle Andy. You did it again!

Your quarterback: Patrick Mahomes II, who I will refuse to call “The Second” on general principle. Just be a Junior, fancy man! Let’s see how Mahomes Part Deux is absorbing the offense!

He threw two other interceptions Wednesday and has seven in six camp practices. Six of the picks have come during the three practice sessions in pads, when play is most competitive.

“He had a few hiccups today,” offensive coordinator Eric Bieniemy said.

Indeed. Mahomes replaces the departed Alex Smith. All Alex Smith did was go to the playoffs in four of his five seasons and post a winning record every year. And yet the humps in this fanbase think that handing the ball over to a sushi-raw quarterback with a padded Big 12 resume is somehow going to take them to the next level. You know who else had a big arm? JaMarcus Russell. It means NOTHING. You know that 69-yarder (NICE) that Mahomes tossed in a preseason game? You’re not getting that three times a week, you dummies. Only the Detroit Lions let those kinds of passes happen in the regular season.

Advertisement

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen a team fail to sync up its QB rebuild with rebuilding the REST of the roster, and the Chiefs are about to do it once more. You guys creamed your pants over Mahomes because he can throw a football more than five feet, and that fever dream just cost you one of the few decent QBs you’ve ever had. Meanwhile, your defense just disintegrated.

What’s new that sucks: Well, they gave Sammy Watkins $30 million even though Sammy Watkins SUCKS. Sammy Watkins’s reputation benefits from his original draft position, but go look at his numbers again. He’s broken 1,000 yards once. He couldn’t crack 600 yards in Sean McVay’s offense. He rarely plays a full season. This team already has ACTUAL explosive threats like Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce, and Kareem Hunt. They didn’t need a fake explosive threat. Sammy Watkins is gonna be the sport’s most highly paid ineffective decoy.

On defense, they traded Marcus Peters away to the Rams for virtually nothing, probably because he threw a flag into the stands like a total fucking boss. Peters is one of the best corners in football, but the Chiefs branded him a problem child and replaced him with former Skin Kendall Fuller instead. People in D.C. liked Fuller a lot, which a clear indication to me that he’s worthless.

Advertisement

Eric Berry beat cancer only to have his Achilles explode. Tamba Hali is gone. Kareem Hunt DEFINITELY won’t do that again.

What has always sucked: The Chiefs exist mainly as the answer “NO.” Are the Chiefs a serious contender in the AFC? Are the Chiefs secretly the most innovative team in the NFL? Is Andy Reid an underappreciated genius? Are Kansas City fans the best fans? Will I remember the Chiefs for anything more notable than that one Snickers ad? NO NO NO NO AND NO. The answer is always no with this team. You don’t need to concern yourself with hope, or with potential, or with possibility. Those are all needless middlemen you will encounter on your way to oblivion. All paths lead to NO with this bunch of goobers.

Also, did you know that Kansas City is the City of Fountains? Did you know that I’m DEEPLY unimpressed by that? Every city has fountains. Big fucking deal. OOOOH LOOGIT ALL THE BIG WATER SPOUTS THAT YOU CAN’T SWIM IN! LALALALA WE’RE THE FOUNTAIN KINGS! As far as I’m concerned, all those pretty fountains are just to distract people from the fact that this city is responsible for the career of Jason Whitlock. Find something actually interesting to hang your undersized hat on, KC.

Advertisement

Jazz is ear poison. Chiefs fans have all the heart disease of Packers fans and none of the rings. Kansas City barbecue is a tourist trap. Texas barbecue owns your shit. I won’t take it back.

What might not suck: God dammit, NFL. Laurent Duvernay-Tardif graduated from a real medical school. Let him wear DOCTOR on the back of his damn jersey. You let 28-year-old men put SENIOR on the back of jerseys, and my man can’t get an M.D.? Go to hell. Mahomes got a II! The man thinks he’s a Super Bowl! Come on.

Let’s remember a guy who sucked: I really thought Matt Blundin was gonna be a decent quarterback. He ended up throwing two passes in his entire career. So the next time you people rub one out to Mahomes completing a deep out, remember what happened to every other quarterback this team has drafted. My scouting abilities are crap.

Advertisement

HEAR IT FROM CHIEFS FANS!

Kevin (email sent October 3, 2017):

As I write this, the Chiefs are 4-0 on the season, averaging 30 points a game, the last undefeated team in the league and 26-4 in their last 30 regular season games. I’m here to tell you the Chiefs will blow it… They will lose their first playoff game at home to some 9-7/10-6 team just like they’ve done every year since 1994. Keep this and when it happens, hold me up as the prognosticator of prognosticators.

Advertisement

Beau:

Every year, by the 4th quarter of the Chiefs first and only playoff game, my “Frequently Used” emojis just consist of a Pile of Shit, Tornado, Gun, Facepalm, Whiskey, Flying Cash Stack, Middle Finger, Bathtub/Radio/Lightning Bolt, every screaming angry face available, and the one that’s just literally laughing tears. I’d tell Lin Elliot to go fuck himself, but he’d probably miss.

Jamie:

This wasn’t the first time I’ve received overly-optimistic halftime texts during a playoff game.

Advertisement

Kevin:

I knew they’d lose to the Titans and spectacularly. I don’t even care anymore. The trauma of so many horrific playoff losses has numbed me like a heroin addict on Cape Cod.

William:

Our skill position players are some of the best in the league until it matters when they drop off the face of the Earth.

Advertisement

Kevin:

It took Doug Pederson like 30 seconds to win a Super Bowl after he left KC. And with a backup QB the Chiefs had on their roster the year before.

KC:

Nothing they do matters.

Michael:

I’m 36 years old and have been a Chiefs for probably 30 years of that. I’ve seen some shit.

Advertisement

Tyler:

Two deaths in the stadium parking lot. One playoff win.

Brian:

Kelce is still here and is still a more immature, lesser Gronk.

Sam:

They beat both teams that played for the Super Bowl.

Fuck Herm Edwards with a rusty rake.

Trevor:

I don’t understand how a multimillion dollar franchise can’t employee someone to stand bedside Andy Reid and tell him when to call a timeout and to fucking run the ball when you are up 21-3 over a shitty Titans team. Eleven carries are you kidding me.

Advertisement

Eric:

As soon as Mariota caught that TD pass to himself, I knew the Chiefs were gonna lose. They’re as talented at choking as Andy Reid is at ignoring the clock. Losing to both the Jets and Giants last year deserved some kind of award. I hate this trash team.

Brandon:

I can’t wait to watch this year’s team destroy the Patriots again, only to hand Cleveland its first win in nearly 2 years.

Advertisement

Vikram:

Can’t wait for the next wacky playoff loss. Bonus points if it happens because one of our corners sucks and we could’ve used Marcus Peters instead of trading him away.

Chris:

At some point this season I will be yelling about how I miss Alex Smith as our quarterback. Also I still have a signed Larry Johnson jersey hanging in my basement because I have zero self-respect.

Advertisement

Zach:

Don’t let anyone tell you there aren’t any sadomasochists in the midwest. Kansas City if full of them.

Nick:

How much do the Chiefs suck? Well...Eric Berry had cancer. He said having it was a blessing. You do the math.

Advertisement

Tim:

Fuck Jeff Triplette and his fucking ridiculous forward progress bullshit.

Matt:

I don’t know why I bother. Andy Reid will ride Kareem Hunt all season to hide the inadequacies of a rookie QB only to forget to hand him the ball in the inevitable Wild Card loss to . . . oh . . . let’s say the Texans this year. Same story. Every. Damn. Year.

Advertisement

Dave:

In 2012, the first year I was a season ticket holder, I took my favorite uncle to a game in my crummy nosebleed corner seats. The Matt Cassel-led Chiefs turned the ball over 4 times and got shelled by the Chargers 31-13. As we got up to leave my uncle turned to me and said “Whatever you paid for these tickets, it was too much”.

They went 2-14 that season. Of course I renewed without hesitation.

Ryan:

As my anxiety grew in the 2nd Half, I kept drinking until the inevitable release of sweet death. Because my wife loves/hates me, she recorded this blackout rant and posted it to Facebook:

Jacob:

The “franchise QB we drafted” drought has lasted so long that this dumb, loud fanbase doesn’t know how to handle it. They all legitimately think this dude with a Brett Favre fetish who looks like he’s from one of those 90s family movies where a child gets signed by a professional team is gonna throw for 800 yards a game and lead us to a Super Bowl this year.

Advertisement

Michael:

Chiefs fans are some of the biggest hypocrites in the NFL today. We end the national anthem by mooing “CHIEFS!” instead of saying “brave,” but bitch a fit if the players peacefully protest by committing such a traitorous & heinous act of *checks notes* going down to a knee. Having seen the fans run Marcus Peters out of town, to Clark Hunt’s conservative glee, I’m only now coming to the realization that Kansas City is a festering pile of Trumpian values, slathered in locally-made barbeque sauce. They traded one of the best CBs in the league, a turnover-causing machine, for jack shit! All because he’s a young black man with *checks notes again* an overconfidence problem. Worse yet, racist construction workers with balding mullets are all-of-a-sudden infatuated with Patrick Mahomes & are trying to find a way to appropriate his hairstyle! Leave the kid alone and let him audition for the rest of the NFL in peace, ‘cause you know this front office won’t sign him long-term.

Tony:

It’s pure torture because there are so many ways things could go right. They really could. But they never do. I can fully understand the pain that Eagles fans had to live with for so long. Now we are stuck in that hell. At least we were able to help out Philly fans by not only taking this hefty burden off of their hands but also giving them a coach that understands how fucking clocks work and whaddayouknow? They win a Super Bowl.

Advertisement

Brandon:

The concept of being good on BOTH sides of the ball is as foreign as Carolina bbq. Want the best defense for a decade? We’ll make sure Paul Hackett calls the offense he learned from reading the 1920s newspapers. Want the best offense in the 2000s? Don’t worry, Greg Robinson will call the defense that switches the D End and Safety right at the snap of the call, because THAT’LL stop Peyton!

The Chiefs can go fuck a red rocket.

Wayne:

I purchased a $35 knockoff Mahomes jersey from China because I’m cheap but also because I couldn’t part with over $100 knowing deep down in my heart, no matter how much hype I allow myself to buy into, that it’ll still end with us losing to the Bengals or Texans in the first round at Arrowhead.

Advertisement

Kyle:

The stress, the pain, the unfathomable number of times this fucking team has punched my soul right in the dick is truly something to behold. I’m convinced it’s just against the laws of the Universe for the Chiefs to have a high-powered offense and a championship caliber defense at the same time in any given season.

A few years back a tailgate full of rednecks had hardcore porn playing on a giant flat screen TV in the back of their pickup truck while I was waiting in line for a porto-potty, and those dipshits saw my puzzled expression and acted like I was the asshole.

Advertisement

Jason:

Fucking Marcus Mariota, who is a shittier version of the current shit version of Russell Wilson, threw a damn touchdown to himself! It’s like the front office builds the team each year to lose to bad QB play. So get ready Chiefs fans for our eventual/annual home playoff loss this year to Jacoby Brisset.

Ryan:

Alex Smith, who people actually believe wouldn’t turn into a marshmallow at the most crucial time in the season, was 5/10 for 34 yards in the second half of the Titans game. Fans were all “HE NEEDS TO TAKE MORE RISKS.” Then they trade Smith to give Mahomes the reins and fans are all “MAHOMES TAKES TOO MANY RISKS.”

Advertisement

Alan:

The strangest thing about being a Chiefs fan is expecting to be let down, and also being surprised by that let down every single time it happens. I don’t know how they’re going to top last year’s bed shitting, but you know they’re gonna do it in epic fashion!

John Elway can just go fuck himself.

KC:

At a home game a couple years ago I was standing in line for a port a potty behind this crusty 60-year-old man decked out in Chiefs gear. Out of nowhere he points to an interracial couple walking by and tells me that it makes him sick. He had every expectation that I would high five and agree with him.

Advertisement

Gavinsky:

Andy Reid manages the clock as if the league only lets him have a sundial. Not content to suck at football coaching, he also waded into politics and publicly endorsed the reelection of Kansas Governor Jeff Colyer, who is Montgomery Burns only less generous to children.

If you’re considering divorcing the NFL because you just can’t even with all the CTE controversy, the constant threats of departure for new stadiums, the league’s militant right-wing politics and Roger Goodell’s constant fuckery but you still love football, become a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs. You will come to hate football and feel fine about helping the game go the way of horse racing and boxing.

Advertisement

Andrew:

Know why Arrowhead is the loudest stadium on earth? Because every single Chiefs fan is literally filled to the brim with middle class resentment. It’s an entire stadium packed asses to cankles with people who resonated with the ending of Great Gatsby, but lack the intellectual fortitude to understand why.

The worst part of all of this is that the circle will always remain unbroken. I am part of the problem. I was a proud, card-carrying Alex Smith apologist for years. I defended every 6-yard out route. I defended every failed third & long conversion. I even defended him after he played an entire season of professional football without a single touchdown pass to a wide receiver!

But no longer. The horrific, slow-moving barge fire of last season’s divisional playoff round loss to the goddamn Titans finally broke me. I spent an exorbitant amount of money to be in attendance for what was sure to be the Chiefs only home playoff victory in my lifetime. Up 18 at halftime, the celebration had begun, and our group was guzzling fireball like tomorrow would never come. Of course, Andy Reid blew that game like only Andy Reid knows how to do, but I missed it because my best friend was in a screaming match with his brother, his wife was crying about her lost phone, and three other friends were passed out in their seats. What a fitting end to another miserable season.

I hate the Chiefs. I hate every barbeque stain on the Justin Houston jersey that I stole from my brother. I hate that we only have this team because they got kicked out of Texas. I hate every one of my friends who thinks Tyreek Hill is genuinely better than Odell Beckham. I hate that I’m starting to get excited about Mahomes. But most of all, I fucking hate that while writing this, I typed out “Cheifs” every single time, because I am an idiot who roots for the idiot Cheifs.

Advertisement

Sarah:

I feel a bizarre loyalty to my hometown of KC. I get offended when other people make fun of it, but I’m the first to admit that I was desperate to get out of there once I graduated high school.

When I moved to Boston for college I got a lot of dumbass questions - have you ever seen snow before (yes) do you live on a farm (no) do you have internet (fuck off). Not to mention every frat bro who thought “you’re not in Kansas any more” was an A+ pickup line. I grew up in a generic upper middle class suburb but everyone thought I was a hick.

But there was one thing that I did not know - championship parades are a thing. As an 18-year-old casual sports fan, I had no idea other cities had these. I saw one in Boston less than two months after moving there. I’m 30 years old and I’ve never seen the Chiefs play in the Super Bowl. I’ve seen Eli fucking Manning beat the Pats TWICE.

It was bad when KC teams were a joke but it got so much worse when they started to have potential only to lose by one point in the playoffs to the Steelers or Colts for what seems like the past 500 years in a row. Fucking hell.

My god Chiefs fans are embarrassing. Why are there so many people in camouflage overalls?

Fuck the Broncos. Fuck the Raiders. Someone on WYTS last year said KC BBQ is mediocre - fuck that guy.

Advertisement

Owen:

During the 2012 season, my girlfriend (now wife) and I decided to take our dads to a Chiefs game. We picked a September game against the Chargers because we thought it would be a more pleasant experience. We were wrong.

As soon as the game started we knew trouble was coming. In front of us were a group of 6 very drunk meth heads and their girlfriends. Each person had a sign about the size of a windshield, and they held them up the entire time! Whenever someone would ask them to put the signs down, they would mumble something about “pussies” and go back to drinking Listerine.

The on-field experience was no better. The Chiefs promptly spotted San Diego (RIP) 14 points, and the female Chargers fans behind us did not want us to forget that this was the prime of the Scott Pioli era. After some good-natured shit talking, I said that the Chiefs would score on the next drive. Jamaal Charles fumbled on the next play, and the stadium went fucking silent. The oldest of the Charger fans behind me screamed, “I thought this was the loudest stadium in the NFL?”

I have never been so owned in my life.

Eric:

In college, my roommates and I watched the Chiefs get smoked by the Bills 41-7 on the season opener, which coincided with the 10-year anniversary of September 11th. After the game ended, we flipped it to some of anniversary coverage and my roommate moaned, “Ugh today is the worst September 11th ever.”

This isn’t even in the top 5 worst things I’ve heard Chiefs fans say at Arrowhead.

Advertisement

Evan:

This year, let’s do this differently. Instead of pointing out the obvious of one playoff win in 24 years or 6 straight home playoff losses, let’s just list some interesting facts about our beloved One and Done friends shall we?

- Doug Marrone already has more playoff wins then Andy Reid in his five-year tenure with the Chiefs.

- The Tennessee Titans have not been to the playoffs since 2008 before this season. Mike Mularkey coached them for two full seasons and has already been fired yet has the same amount of playoff wins as Andy Reid in his five-year tenure with the Chiefs.

- This one has to sting the fat jolly man. Doug Pedersen is a first time head coach and has only coached the Eagles for two seasons and already has threw playoff wins and a FUCKING SUPER BOWL WIN!

- Andy Reid was 1-4 in NFC Championship games as coach of the Eagles. He’s 1-4 in playoff games as coach of the Chiefs.

- Andy Reid and Marty Schottenheimer are basically the same guy. One was an “offensive genius” while the other was a “defensive genius”. Neither can win playoff games as coach of the Kansas City Chiefs.

- Only four playoff games in the history of the NFL has the team with a halftime lead of 18 point points or more lost the game. Andy Reid coached two of those teams in Kansas City.

- John Dorsey cut a veteran player over a voicemail message.

- New GM Brett Veach gave $16 mil per year to a guy whose foot is made of saltine crackers and held together by rubber bands.

- Travis Kelce is one concussion away from retirement and one on-field meltdown away from constant NFL ball-busting.

- The 2017 defense was among the bottom 3 worst defenses in football. Our solution was to trade away our best CB and replace him with an Oakland cast-off.

- We replaced Derrick Johnson’s geriatric body with Anthony Hitchens who was considered the Cowboys 3rd or 4th best LB last year. Veach also gave Hitchens almost $10 mil per year as an ILB.

- Bob Sutton is back for another year of dropping OLB Justin Houston into one-on-one coverage with Antonio Brown for half a game.

Fuck all of our lives forever.

Trevor:

This is a true story.

After somehow managing to hold our opponent to zero touchdowns in a home playoff game, after a bye, and still lose, I wasn’t surprised. This is the general life of Chiefs fandom, and after twenty seven years of this garbage (being winless in home division playoff games my entire life) I was not the least bit surprised. It was probably less painful than all the other times because I am older and expected it... or so I thought.

Everyone at the bar started getting me sympathy shots after the holding call took away our chance to win. I was eight different types of yardsale drunk at this point. I stumbled a few blocks away to see my wife who was spending time with our mutual female friend. My wife kissed me goodbye to go home early and study (she’s going to be a doctor) and I stuck around just having a few more with our mutual friend (who made our wedding cake and is married herself) until I completely passed out on her couch from being sad, Chiefs drunk.

I wake up at five am to a million calls from my wife, who is screaming and has decided that I must be being unfaithful “Staying at another woman’s home.” For the next week, she won’t even speak to me, until she finally says “You just never took me camping enough,” and “I’ve found somewhere else to live,” and proceeds to move out.

Two weeks later and she’s camping with some dialtone whose only interesting part about him is that he’s living with and doing my ex wife.

I guess we had our problems, but it still feels like the Chiefs do everything they can to both directly and indirectly ruin my life.

Advertisement

Parker:

I have been a Chiefs fan for as long as I can remember, as a child I would relish the opportunity to drive many miles through nothingness in Kansas just to sit in Arrowhead Stadium and watch my heroes play (and mostly lose). I don’t know if age made me become progressively more aware of the idiots in the stands and parking lot, but I certainly noticed that my excitement level to go to a game began to decrease. I have seen people dump beers on opposing fans (in fairness the guy in the Wayne Chrebet jersey probably had it coming), fist fights between two Chiefs fans, a man pushed down many stairs, and a girl with missing teeth blowing a Duck Dynasty look alike.

Nothing can compare to what happened to me during the Steelers playoff game. I was attending with a buddy, and we were both excited but not optimistic, having experienced too much Chiefs-ing to have any hope left but false hope. In the second quarter, Eric Berry intercepted a Ben Roethlisberger pass. The crowd starts chanting “Berry, Berry, Berry.” I say casually to my buddy that while the scoop was nice, “Frank Zombo really made the play with his tip at the line.” Mr. Meth-mouth sitting in the row in front of us turns around and yells “Zombo!” and raises his hand. So being a decent human being I return the favor and we high five. At the moment our gloved hands touch he proceeds to shout “WHITE POWER.”

My buddy said I looked like I watched someone drown a puppy. Fuck Missouri, and extra Fuck Lin Elliott.

Advertisement

Submissions for the 2018 Deadspin NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Los Angeles Rams.