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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Why Your Team Sucks: Atlanta Falcons

Illustration for article titled Why Your Team Sucks: Atlanta Falcons

Some people are fans of the Atlanta Falcons. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Atlanta Falcons. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.


1. The pass defense still blows. The Falcons were favored to beat the Cardinals in their Wild Card matchup last year, then proceeded to allow Kurt Warner and company over eight yards per pass play in a fairly decisive rout. Two huge pass TD plays to Larry Fitzgerald (42 yards) and Anquan Boldin (71 yards) were the difference, and the team did nothing in the offseason to improve their cornerback situation. Dominique Foxworth left the team, and no replacements were drafted or brought in via free agency. While adding Tony Gonzalez makes the offense more dangerous, this is still a team that is shaky against the pass at best, and downright shitty against the pass at worst. Big passing plays are bound to be given up. But enough rudimentary, poorly sketched out football analysis. Let's get to the real meat of this thing…

2. Fuck you, Home Depot. Seriously, Arthur Blank. FUCK YOU. I hate your store. I hate everything about it. Nothing good has ever come out of a Home Depot. You never walk out of a Home Depot with donuts, or new shoes, or something genuinely exciting. No, walking out of Home Depot is only the first step of some long and brutal task fixing something in your house that's fucked up. OOOH, WALL ANCHORS! SO EXCITING! And any trip to Home Depot requires a subsequent second trip. Either you didn't get enough of something, or it's the wrong size, or it's a fixture your wife doesn't like, or FUCK DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK THERE!

And fuck that store's help. They're never around. And if they are, they don't know where fucking ANYTHING is. Eighty percent of my time in Home Depot is spent with one customer service person who is trying to find another customer service person who can perhaps find the goddamn toilet flapper I'm looking for. Like any massive box store, only three checkout lanes out of a possible sixty are open at any given time. The parking lot is ANARCHY. Any child lost in the store is lost for a minimum of 50 minutes. Other asshole customers there are more than happy to unwittingly lash you across the face with a 50-foot long piece of molding they're trying to push around in a fucking cart. It's hell. It's the worst store on Earth and every time I go, part of my soul withers into gray ash.

I fucking hate Home Depot.

3. You know damn well there are people in Atlanta who weren't fans before Vick arrived, and stopped being fans after he left. They probably went back to being Cowboys fans.

4. 1998. I'd explain more, but then I'd have to eat my own face. Fucking Dirty Bird.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.