Our man Hickey alerted us to this one earlier in the day and there are no words. If there are any words, Law & Order: Bumblefuck America are about the only ones.
We begin with a possible hit and run where police arrive on scene to find two men bloodied up, one man in the street, both claiming to have been hit by a car. The cops aren't sure and think maybe they made the whole thing up to cover up a fight. They need more answers, if only there were another witness, who maybe saw something.
While police were talking to the men, a woman approached officers
Oh good, maybe she's got some helpful information or insight. Maybe she got a license plate.
and said she'd been hit in the face with a case of Natural Light Beer.
OK. Not helpful. At least you're alright, ma'am.
The woman had very visible wounds, most profound, her entire bottom row of teeth were missing.
OK. OK. The only thing here is, look. We're in Indiana, right? What's more plausible—that a woman was hit in the face with a box full of 24 cans of Natural Light, or that her teeth rotted out of her face over the many, many hard years of her existence. Fine, it's a tossup.
Police had two suspects for the possible hit and run. One got away, the other has a very extensive criminal record and may have had drugs stashed in his Chevy Suburban when cops stopped him. He was arrested on the scene. No further details have been provided for the woman.