You can get bent, Bruce Springsteen

Whenever the actual Super Bowl turns out to be a dud, and this one assuredly was, no matter how much emotion you were able to waste on it and the winning QB, the focus turns to everything around the game. Maybe it’s the halftime show (which was fine to good), or the coverage/broadcast (awful), or the ads. I can’t tell you which one was the best one (just happy Shaggy got a check, really), but I can definitely tell you which one was the worst.

When you’re Jeep, or really Chrysler, or some other huge company that can afford a Super Bowl ad, picking Bruce Springsteen to represent your company is an easy choice. He’s the one guy who will assuredly get all middle-aged white writers to soil their shorts about whatever you give him to read (so basically three out of every four writers overall), so you won’t face any criticism. You want to get everyone with a voice to clap like trained seals, bring in The Boss.

It almost can’t fail.

And yet they really tried. Multi-multi millionaire Springsteen shilling for Jeep about how we as a country just need to pull together through all of this is the height of “get the fuck outta here.” It’s pretty safe to say all we need is unity from whatever ivory tower Springsteen lives in at the moment.

I got one for you, Bruce. What percentage, do you think, of Y’all Qaeda that stormed the capital would claim you as their favorite musician? I’ll tell you, it’s no less than 85 percent. And that may drive you nuts, I’m fairly sure it does, but you’re not going to get anywhere by appealing to their humanity. That’s been proven. But hey, you love to sing and write about the little guy who just wants to keep his union job but is getting fucked over by the big conglomerate business/government man. Who do you think identifies with that, Boss?

I got more for you, Brucey. You’re not from the Midwest. No matter how badly you’d like to be, you’re not. If you were, I guarantee your career would have gone very differently. Never underestimate the power of the New York area’s megaphone for its own products. You’re not Tom Petty.

Whichever fans of Springsteen aren’t labeling themselves as broken down heroes on a last chance power drive as they literally tried to end our democracy are the ones who are comfortable enough to call for “unity” and “the middle” because they don’t have anything at risk, and use Springsteen as their “blue collar cred.” They can dream of some far off utopia because they’re nowhere near the muck. That’s why Jeep gets to make an ad like this.

Hey Bruce, you want to make a difference? Why don’t you gather up the change in your couch, which would be enough for your own Super Bowl ad, and tell everyone who’s a fan of yours that also is claiming the country was stolen from them to burn all the albums of yours they own because you don’t want them as fans? I’ll be over here waiting for that. Until then, fuck all the way off with your performative drivel and empathy.

Check out Serena Williams’s Flo-Jo tribute outfit at the Australian Open. The best wearing the best. Truly our Queen.