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By now, you've surely heard all about Heat center Shaquille O'Neal's assistance in apprehending a man who threw a beer bottle at two gay men in Miami on Sunday morning. We salute Shaq's continued effort to rid the world of crime and corruption; by our count, he has now taken out potential child molestors, gay bashers and seven-foot-six Mormons. We do find it strange, however, that Shaq, according to the story, "just happened" to be driving by Washington Avenue and Third Street — a notoriously gay area of notoriously gay South Beach — at 3 a.m.

Now, please, we're not implying anything about Shaquille, who is married, a genial chap and, uh, huge. We prefer to believe that Shaq is just out all hours of the night, policing the streets, keeping us safe from anyone who might happen to throw a bottle at us. We imagine us someday having a car accident that ends up with us hanging from a bridge, just about to fall into the abyss, when suddenly, out of nowhere, Shaq shows up and navigates our way to safety. It would be cooler if he was wearing the Kazaam costume too.

Shaq's Big Assist Leads To An Arrest [Miami Herald]