Like many of you, I'm largely indifferent to soccer most of the time. But one thing I'm never indifferent to is an opportunity to gleefully hate 31 lesser nations in the spirit of international competition.
Yes, that's right. It's time to put on my hater's cap (it's made of 100% hate/poly blend) and offer you, the Deadspin reader, this handy Hater's Guide to the 2010 World Cup. I don't know much about soccer, nor do I know all that much about nations such as Ghana. But that kind of all-encompassing ignorance is PERFECT for breeding a solid batch of hate. Knowledge only serves to spoil the anger and white hot fury. So now, join me as I run through the World Cup draw and make sweeping generalizations about each country, its citizens, its brand of soccer (?), and cuisine. And then, as a little bonus, listen as Spencer Hall and I try and determine the five most hateable teams in the whole tournament in a special Deadcast. Yes, this is all a bit late. But the motto here is that IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO HATE.
South Africa: In many ways, I appreciate South Africa for having an ugly racial history that is more recent than our own. It's a nice card to play. "Well sure, we had Jim Crow. But at least we weren't doing that shit IN THE 80'S." Anyway, South Africa is now known less as a haven for institutional racism as it is a place where you will get raped. So remember, footballers: The host nation is only being nice to you so it can date rape you and leave you crying in the corner. RAPERS!
Mexico: Our natural soccer enemy. Spencer says they flop a lot and like to punch other players in the pelotas, which I find infuriating and hilarious. Also, if that Fast Food Nation flick is any indication, these are the people we hire to work in our meat processing plants for pennies on the dollar. FUCKING COW KILLERS. I also don't respect anyone who protests his right to voluntarily stay in Arizona. Any smart person would LOVE to be thrown out of that shithole of a state.
France: Do we really need to get into this? Hating France has become so easy that I almost resent that I can't hate them in new and interesting ways. Also, I had a cashier once at Vie de France who was a total cock. All I wanted was an almond croissant, you fucking frog. CHOKE.
South Korea: You people are lucky Japan exists. Because without them, you people would be, hands down, the weirdest country on fucking Earth. But no, Japan gets all the tentacle porn jokes while you cabbage-eating freaks skate by. A friend of mine tried to get me to watch a Korean movie once. I had a seizure after three minutes.
Argentina: Coached by a has-been drug addict who's still kind of a fatass despite having lap band surgery. Also, I'm bitter I didn't grow up in Argentina, what with its fine mix of European architecture and attractive women. Not really fair that I drew Minnesota.
Nigeria: Well, well, well. If it isn't one of the upstart African countries that everyone feels obligated to cheer for as part of the Bob Geldolf/Bono Africa Underdog Pact of 2003? You know what? No. I'm not falling for it. I refuse to let liberal white guilt get the best of me. No sympathy for the Nigerians! They can jolly well pull themselves up by their bootstraps, like I did!
/son of a former airline executive
Paul Shirley says you people need to use more rubbers!
Greece: Way to depend on our financial system to accrue massive debts, you hairy cunts. Don't you know we're not to be trusted? FOOLS. Also, learn to make food that isn't wrapped in grape leaves.
Slovenia: Shouldn't you people be fighting a war with some other country I've never heard of right now?
Algeria: Like this one?
USA: WOOHOO! WE WON BY TYING! LOW EXPECTATIONS FUCKING RULE! SUCK IT, ENGLAND!
England: I will tell this story again, because it's important. I spent a semester in England. I went to a guy's house one night. One of his roommates, an English dude, was making spaghetti that night. He took the spaghetti, drained it, and proceeded to put eight tablespoons of mayo on top, then ate it. English people are fucking repulsive.
Germany: Nazis. It doesn't matter what you people do for the rest of history. Every time I think of your country, I think of Nazis. Any time I hear people speak German, I assume they're discussing how to "reassess the Jewish situation." You'll never live it down. You bastards.
On the other hand, my wife was born in Germany. Hi honey!
Ghana: You should have "rhea" tacked onto the end of your country's name. AM I RIGHT?!
Serbia: Oh look! It's another bunch of intractable assholes who never stop holding civil wars. You people are like the Middle East with shitty PR. And what the hell happened to Ana Ivanovic? Such a waste of potential.
Reader Gordon also adds this:
There's a nationwide network of rocket launchers in people's backyards, and the government calls those people to fire the rockets at hail. I'll repeat that.
SERBIAN CIVILIANS HAVE FUCKING ANTI-HAIL ROCKET LAUNCHERS IN THEIR BACKYARDS.
So yes, don't fuck with the Serbs. I was in Serbia on business when Kosovo was about to break off (early March '08) and the fuckers set part of the US Embassy on fire. But man, their food groups are things people can get behind, since basically every Serbian meal is meat with liquor. Yeah, that includes breakfast.
Australia: I was born in this country, and it is awesome. But we only lived there for four months. Thus, I have no accent. Which is CRAP. Also, I'm annoyed my country of birth lost to my wife's country of birth by four fucking goals the other day. Losing 4-0 in soccer is like a September college football score. Horrible showing. YOU MAKE ME SICK, MATES.
Netherlands: Just call it Holland. It's what everyone wants to call you. I don't see why you have to hold onto Netherlands so desperately, Mr. Van Der Von Ver Schlaaaaaap.
Japan: I've been to Japan. They eat bean paste for dessert. Go to Japan and try it sometime. I promise you, it's every bit as horrifying as it sounds.
Cameroon: As I said to Spencer, I do not trust any country whose name sounds like a racist slur for someone who is half-Black, half-Arab.
Denmark: Guess who's never watched a shitty Lars von Trier movie and never will? - - > THIS GUY < - -
Paraguay: Proud member of the small group of South American nations not famous for either A) Being Brazil or B) Having a long history of insane drug-related violence. Way to not stand out, Paraguay.
Italy: Worst fucking floppers in the universe and I hate these fucking cologne-wearing mama's boys with all my heart. Italy is the New Jersey of Europe. Go to an Italian train station sometime and try breathing in the air without wanting to heave out your insides.
New Zealand: JEMAINE? PRISINT!
Slovakia: The half of the old Czechoslovakia that has no decent hockey players or porn stars. YOU ARE A FUCKING WASTE OF A NATION-STATE.
Ivory Coast: Yes, I know you're supposed to call it Cote D'Ivor or something like that. But I refuse. That sounds like a tanning oil. You're the Ivory Coast, and I demand you people train elephants to swim and let me ride your aqua-elephants for a small fee.
Brazil: Oh, they always win. BORING. They're the Yankees of soccer. Also, Brazil is another country I am now bitter for not being raised in. With the big asses and the lack of clothing and the women shaking their boobs when they dance and all that. That's good stuff. Almost worth living in a nation where the cockroaches have saddles.
North Korea: EVIL.
Portugal: Spencer says they're the biggest fuckfaces in the tournament. And he would know. He watches soccer. You people are nothing more than Spain's welcome mat. Fucking floppers.
Spain: Oh, thank you people for giving tapas to the world. Now, my old lady can ask that we go to a Spanish restaurant, throw down $70, get served three shrimp, and call it a dinner. That is fucking CRAP. I hate tapas. Tapas should be the free thing you get before the actual meal arrives.
Switzerland: Does anyone like this group of boring, neutral, Nazi-coddlers? I've been to Geneva. My friend paid $15 for beer. Geneva blows. You can get chocolate in Belgium. You can get watches virtually anywhere else. Switzerland is worthless. They don't even have their own language. Suck a cuckoo clock.
Chile: Anorexic landmass.
Honduras: I have no opinion of Honduras. EXCEPT THAT HONDURANS KILLED MY GRANDFATHER AND I LOATHE THEM.
This week's Deadcast is available in the iTunes Music Store here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and listen to the hate blossom. Enjoy the World Cup, gang.