Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

The endless loop of Super Bowl XXXXI coverage is about to begin, and we like to consider ourselves the Mainstream Media's Little Helpers. We're about to all be deluged with a flood of human interest stories — we can use that metaphor because the Saints lost — so we thought we'd make it easier on all the desperate reporters and give them the easy human interest angle for players on each team. It'll just save you time. Today, the Chicago Bears.

Cedric Benson. Was drafted in the 12th round by the Los Angeles Dodgers. Hates Ricky Williams.
Bernard Berrian. Owns several snakes.
Robbie Gould. Former construction worker.
Rex Grossman. Parents are friend with Peyton Manning's parents. Grew up a Colts fan. Sexy.
Devin Hester. We'll let Wikipedia handle this one: "Devin Hester was born to Juanita Brown and Lenorris Sr. Hester in Riviera Beach, Florida. His early life was full of many obstacles; his father, who had recently divorced his mother, died while Hester was infant. Later in his life, his mother was severely injured in a car accident, leading Hester to become depressed." Take it away.
Tank Johnson. Owns many guns. May avoid blockers while wearing handcuffs.
Thomas Jones. Broke his hand reaching for a television. Former Buzzsaw flop.
Olin Kreutz. Once broke the jaw of a teammate. Lives in Hawaii.
Kyle Orton. Enjoys cool, icy beverages.
Patrick Mannelly. Runs a Web site devoted to long snapping. Asthmatic.
Ricky Manning, Jr.. Hates nerds.
Brad Maynerd. Voted most sexy Bear by newspaper readers.
Fred Miller. Had jaw broken by Olin Kruetz.
Muhsin Muhammad. Testified at Rae Carruth and Fred Lane murder trials.
Adewale Ogunleye. Is distant Nigerian royalty.
John Tait. A devout Mormon.
Brian Urlacher. Intense. Has slept with both Paris Hilton and a woman who once had sex with Michael Flatley.


Any more, just add 'em.

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