Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise


Illustration for article titled Your Inaugural A*HOLE BOSS DIGEST

Welcome to Asshole Boss digest, where we regale you, the Deadspin reader, with stories of the meanest, cruelest, most batshit insane bosses you've ever worked under. Off we go.

Target: Not as charming as the ads may suggest


In high school, I was employed by Target as a cashier/electronics associate. I'll spare you the sob story, but during the course of my employment there my grandmother became very ill unexpectedly, and the prognosis was very bad. One day while working my shift, I got a text from my uncle saying that things did not look good for my grandmother (who was in the hospital), and I should come say goodbye. I jogged over to my boss and explained the situation to her, and asked her if I could leave early. "No," she said, "Not unless I talk to one of her doctors on the phone to make sure you're not lying." I could only stare blankly for a minute, and then realized she wasn't, in fact, shitting me. I then basically turned around and left anyway.

Turns out my grandmother didn't pass away that day, but several days later. When I returned to work, I discovered that she had submitted a recommendation to her boss that I be fired for "Concocting an excuse to get out of work early." So, as a result of my fucking bitch of a boss, I had to go through a "coaching" (basically a management review board) explaining to my bosses that I wasn't in fact lying about the scope of my grandmother's illness. On the day after her funeral. Management sympathized with my situation, but my boss never faced any disciplinary action; In fact, she's now manager of the store. I know you're not supposed to name names in these things, but Michelle: Swallow a fucking knife, twat.


Friendly's: Come for the ice cream, stay for the unconscious groping


My first job ever was as a dishwasher at a Friendly's restaurant. I, along with most of the staff (except for this shockingly terrifying fellow nicknamed 'X-Ray' who had a tattoo of a fucking bat on his shaved head, which like, holy shit) were in our mid-teens. I was around 15 personally. My boss at the time was a short middle-aged fat guy who looked like Ron Jeremy if he had been dipped in a vat of cooking oil and set out to dry for a few hours, a truly disgusting guy.

What made this guy even MORE disgusting is that he quite obviously had a thing for underage girls. A particularly harrowing tale comes from one evening when I was forced to go to the emergency room. I had slashed open a finger on a broken coke glass and was bleeding quite a bit. Now, one of the waitresses I worked with was terrified of blood and couldn't stand to see a scratch let alone the horror show that my finger had become. I called for help and she was the first person to arrive and, because of the gore, promptly passed the fuck out on the floor. My horrid boss was the next to show up in the backroom and, after assessing my injury and it's immediate need of an emergency room, went over to the waitress, who was maybe 16, and tried to help her up. He pretty much groped every inch of her body in the most horrifically disgusting manner possible. She was barely coming out of her stupor when he finally got her into a chair having thoroughly violated every moral and ethical code I would have thought possible in the workplace. Soon after, as he was driving me to the emergency room, he explained to me the merits of one of his life long codes, which was, as you could guess, "if there's grass on the field, play ball". I gained more than one scar for sure that night. What a fucking douchebag.

I do not care for your clicking


My boss is so critical, he once told me that I double-clicked my mouse too fast. As in, my double-click was so quick that my computer couldn't register/process it. So he had me double-click the program on my desktop again, this time "more deliberately". Of course, my computer was simply being slow, and after several minutes of waiting the same program opened up twice.


"Your daughter's a whore."


This guy would pick one employee at random each week to dress down in front of everyone else. He'd thunder into the room where all the desks were, park himself in front of someone's desk and lay into them. Sometimes it would be about their actual work performance, stuff like, "Your sales numbers are pathetic. What are you doing all day, jacking off in the men's room?" But most of the time it was personal stuff. There was one woman there who was going through a messy divorce and her teenage daughter was acting out because of all the stress at home. The boss guy stood at the entrance to her workstation, with his considerable girth blocking any exit, and started in with stuff like, "So, I hear your daughter is fucking half the basketball team just to piss you off now. You're a great fucking mother, aren't you?"

Some of the shit this guy did was just unbelievable and incredibly hateful. One day, he walked up to a the woman who managed the office, a very meek and mild mannered lady who everyone in the office loved, and he just started mocking how she was dressed, how she'd put on weight (like he had room to criticize anyone for gaining weight) how ridiculous her hair style was, making fun of the decorations on her desk and even going so far as to pick up a picture of one of her kids and say something like, "How'd your boy end up so good looking? I've met your husband. What'd you do, fuck the mailman?" With that, the woman he was harassing snapped. She stood up, grabbed the fresh cup of hot coffee from her desk and threw it into his face. Then she told him to shove his fucking job up his ass so far that it came out his mouth and left. We never saw her again. It was weeks before he went back to his weekly pattern of fucking with some random person after that.

Eventually, it was my turn. But on the day he decided to dump on me I guess he'd ran out of ammo and just stood at my desk and said, "You're useless. You're fired." For years after working there I would daydream of the massive coronary that I'm certain killed that bastard.

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