Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Illustration for article titled Your Super Bowl Weather Report: AND A GREAT SNOW MURDERED YOUR FACE

All week long, we'll be keeping track of the weather conditions for Super Bowl XLVIII. Here is your Wednesday update:

Current temperature: 15 degrees

Wind chill: 6 degrees. But honestly, how can weathermen know how cold you FEEL? Maybe a windy 15-degree day feels like the warmest day in history when you have friends and family and people who love you surrounding you. They're all the warmth you need. It's not like the frosted crevasse you fall into when MOTHER TALKS ABOUT THE TIME YOU SHAT YOUR PANTS AT THAT PIANO RECITAL GOD WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME YOU FRIGID HAG.


Feels like: An icy retort from your mother at the dinner table. All I wanted was for you to pass the potatoes, mom. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BRING UP MY DIVORCE.

Dew point: "You should be more open with people" -Dew

Skies: Falling

Winds: 6mps S/SW. Soon the wind shall blow everything away that you hold dear: your car, your home, your only child. Soon all of it will be gone, and you with it. You may wish to hold onto a pole of some kind.


Chance of snow: 100% SNOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! Nature's cruel padding! It shall fall on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Secaucus and, farther eastward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Manasquan waves. It shall fall, too, upon every part of the lonely parking lot on the hill where Hoffa lay buried LULZ HOFFA WHAT A LOSER. It shall lay thickly drifted on the crooked nose of Manning and the forty thousand mics surrounding Richard Sherman, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren soul of Pete Carroll. It shall fall faintly through the universe, like the descent of your last end, upon all the living and the dead. WOOHOO SLEDDIN'!

School? School? In a snow shower? Surely you jest. Are you really going to send THE CHILDREN out in a snow shower? What if the bus slips on the moist road? What if skids out of control and rolls onto a barely frozen lake and then cracks through the ice and all the kids cry out for their parents as they take their last gulp of frozen air and you are left grieving and swearing legal vengeance upon your school district, even though no monetary settlement will ever replace the feelings of guilt and remorse you have? Forget it. NO SCHOOL UNTIL MAY.

Extended Super Bowl forecast: The snow will fall and fall and fall until it chokes you and snuffs out every last chimney upon the Great American Plain. It will not yield. It will not rest. I'd wager the over on any kind of Knowshon Moreno prop bet.

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