This Evening: What NFL Team Should You Root For? Here's A Flowchart

Your p.m. roundup for Aug. 22, the day we learned the Internet (read: humanity) totally sucked. Chart by Paul Caputo and Shea Lewis for Interpretation By Design (click chart to enlarge, or click here if that doesn't work). Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.

This Evening: What NFL Team Should You Root For? Here's A Flowchart

What we're watching (all times EDT, unless noted): MLB Network has Mets-Phillies at 7 or Red Sox-Rangers at 8. ESPN2 has a Little League World Series game between Lafayette (La.) and Clinton County (Pa.) at 8. And ESPN has Bears-Giants in an NFL preseason game at 8.

Read Me

The hopelessness of a hit-and-run: "What James didn't realize is that even though the ditched car was found within 24 hours, a 1990 Nissan Maxima abandoned two blocks southeast of the accident scene, the police would never make any arrests. And that the detective assigned to the case would tell James, as the victim has consistently recalled for months, that the vehicle owner claimed he'd lost his keys at a local bar that same night and walked home-and that without an eyewitness putting him in the driver's seat, there was nothing that could be done. When James or Michelle asked what drinking establishment the auto owner had patronized and whether the police had questioned anybody there or if there were any clues in the car, the officer would become dismissive. They eventually stopped calling. According to the official police complaint, the unidentified hit-and-run driver's highest offense would be categorized a misdemeanor, which seemed preposterous, all things considered." [Village Voice]

This Date In Deadspin History

Aug. 22, 2006: Eric Karros Wants You To Know He Finds Erin Andrews Hot

Things You Might Have Missed Today

Some quick links to a few items we posted earlier:
The Cool Kids Will Now Be Sitting At Bleacher Report's Lunch Table: A Sideshow
ESPN's Ian O'Connor Confuses His Job Duties With Eli Manning's
This Gaddafi's Soccer Career Is Probably Over
The Rush To Write Off Terrelle Pryor As Another Raiders Bust Is On
The One Where An Ex-Pharmacist Offers Us Proof That Tiger Woods And Elin Have Herpes

Elsewhere

Out of the Crown Heights riots, handball: "The Inner City Handball Association, also known as the ICHA, is still going strong. Tournaments regularly draw more than 200 players, and Williams, a technology consultant, remains the driving force. 'The amount of time and the amount of effort that he's put out-it ain't easy,' said Joe Kaplan, long one of the city's top professionals and one of the boys who played after the riots." [Wall Street Journal]

More millionaires versus billionaires talk: "There's nary a sign of the owners backing down. Not now. Not ever. Their lack of urgency is rooted in the unofficial and universal agreement that it's worth losing an entire season if there isn't serious progress forged by the players. And while the players' desire to fight back is certainly understandable, the truth is that this slope will only get more slippery if there isn't resolution in the next month. The owners' offers will get worse because they will begin to account for the losses that come with losing games, all while players — whose average career length was reported as 4.82 seasons during the last lockout, in 1999 — will see an entire season's pay go to waste. As one agent said for the umpteenth time last week, 'Billionaires beat millionaires every time.'" [Sports Illustrated]

This is good news: "The kidnapped father of Chelsea midfielder John Obi Mikel was freed Monday after detectives traced him to a sprawling city in northern Nigeria and arrested his abductors. Federal police spokesman Olusola Amore told The Associated Press that investigators followed Michael Obi's trail from central Nigeria's Plateau state to Kano, one of the nation's largest cities. There, officers raided the area where Obi was held, freeing him and arresting his kidnappers." [AP]

Your Chinese Bra Commerical Interlude:

Because golf is somehow easier, right?: "Devastated and ‘without appetite for life,' Rafael Nadal contemplated a move into professional golf after a career-threatening injury sidelined him, the 10-time Grand Slam champion writes in his autobiography. The Spanish player writes in ‘Rafa' that doctors discovered a rare foot injury in 2005 that had the potential to sideline him for good, prompting thoughts of a future in golf. In the book, provided to The Associated Press and to be released in the United States on Tuesday, the 25-year-old Nadal describes his toughest on-court battles with Roger Federer at the 2008 Wimbledon final and subsequent Australian Open." [AP]

That's because the punishment does not include running suicides: "Former Redskins defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth entered a no contest plea to one count of simple assult Monday, one day before he was scheduled to go on trial on charges of sex assault. As part of his plea agreement, Haynesworth agreed to an alcohol abuse assessment and a psychological-social assessment—as well as to stay away from the victim, a cocktail waitress at the downtown W Hotel he admitted to groping, and perform community service—within 18 months. If he does so, his record will be cleared. Simple assault is a lesser charge than the sex charge, which the government agreed to drop; Haynesworth cannot be tried on that charge even if he fails to meet the conditions of his plea agreement. A Feb. 21 hearing was scheduled in the case." [Washington Post]

Merch: Managing editor Tom Scocca and contributing editor Drew Magary have both written books. You can buy Scocca's Beijing Welcomes You: Unveiling the Capital City of the Future here, and Magary's The Postmortal here. Now do it.

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