All Hail Sepp Blatter, FIFA Emperor-For-Life

As expected, courageous leader, tenacious progressive, and upstanding citizen Sepp Blatter has won re-election as president of FIFA. His impeccable credentials gave him the overwhelming victory over Guy Who Is Not Sepp Blatter, with the first vote ending up 133-73 before Blatter’s opponent generously conceded to the… » 5/29/15 1:23pm Yesterday 1:23pm

Bob Ley Sick Of The Farce That Is FIFA, Rips Up Agenda

FIFA held its presidential election in Zurich today—two days after the United States Justice Department arrested a number of its officials on various charges—but it had a few additional issues to discuss beforehand. ESPN’s Bob Ley, who sounded like he had been awake since the start (which would be about 4:30 a.m.),… » 5/29/15 12:57pm Yesterday 12:57pm

Will There Be Enough Votes To Oust Sepp Blatter?

In about five hours, while you are sleeping soundly, FIFA will begin voting in Zurich for its next president. The secret ballot will be held by the 209 member associations of FIFA, who each hold one vote, meaning that Maldives has the same voting power as Germany. In the first round of voting a candidate must win… » 5/28/15 10:34pm Thursday 10:34pm

Anti-Corruption NGO Calls For Sepp Blatter To Resign

Sepp Blatter was not among those FIFA officials arrested in Zurich this morning; we do not know if he is among those under investigation for World Cup bribery allegations. But in a statement, a group that monitors corporate, political, and organizational corruption around the globe called for Blatter to step down. » 5/27/15 9:24am Wednesday 9:24am

Reports: Justice Department Brings The Goddamn Hammer Down On FIFA

According to reports in both the Wall Street Journal ($) and New York Times, a number of FIFA officials were just arrested in Zurich, Switzerland, and according to the Times are expected to be extradited to the United States where they will face charges of “wire fraud, racketeering and money laundering.” The Times » 5/27/15 12:50am Wednesday 12:50am

Report: Sepp Blatter Too Afraid Of The FBI To Enter The United States

Slavery-enabler Sepp Blatter might actually be facing consequences for how FIFA awarded the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bids to Russia and Qatar. ESPN’s investigative newsmagazine show, E:60, debuted an hour-long documentary on Blatter tonight, and reports that he is so fearful of an FBI investigation into bribery and… » 5/12/15 9:52pm 5/12/15 9:52pm

Abby Wambach: FIFA Refused Cost-Free Offers To Replace Turf Fields

Odious moron Sepp Blatter has described himself as “a godfather of the organization of women’s football in FIFA.” Apparently, he didn’t consider an offer to quell the controversy about artificial fields at this summer’s Women’s World Cup by replacing the turf with grass—free of charge, mind you—an offer he couldn’t… » 5/07/15 5:32pm 5/07/15 5:32pm

Diego Maradona Sends Shots At Sepp Blatter

It appears that Diego Maradona’s recent eye lift has opened his vision to the mountainous corruption that has surrounded every FIFA decision in Sepp Blatter’s tenure. Fed up, today he gave an interview stumping for a rival FIFA presidential candidate, and boy does he lather on the burnsauce thick and heavy. » 5/05/15 12:20pm 5/05/15 12:20pm

Journalists Critical Of FIFA Arrested And Detained In Qatar

Journalists from the ARD and WDR, two of the biggest public broadcasting networks in Germany, were arrested and detained by the Qatari government while shooting a documentary about the corruption behind FIFA’s decision to award the 2022 World Cup to Qatar. According to the WDR’s account, the government erased data… » 5/04/15 12:33pm 5/04/15 12:33pm

FIFA Turned A Huge Profit On The World Cup, Of Course

FIFA is bad. "Bad," as in many of the people who work there are bad, and they often do bad things to the sport of soccer and to the world at large. But let no one ever say that FIFA isn't very, very good at making money: it pulled in more than $2 billion in revenues last year, nearly all of that from the World Cup. » 3/20/15 3:19pm 3/20/15 3:19pm

Three More Sponsors Decide To Stop Supporting Slavery, Drop FIFA 

Good news everybody! Three of FIFA's biggest sponsors—Johnson & Johnson, Castrol, and Continental Tires—confirmed to The Telegraph that they have cut their ties with FIFA, joining Sony and Emirates in declining to continue supporting slavery. As second-tier World Cup sponsors in 2014, the three companies paid FIFA… » 1/22/15 8:15pm 1/22/15 8:15pm

German Football League Threatens FIFA Over Unreleased World Cup Report

FIFA finally released a summary of their report into the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups, and to the surprise of absolutely nobody it basically cleared Qatar, Russia, and current FIFA officials of any wrongdoing. The 42-page report was written by FIFA ethics committee judge Hans-Joachim Eckert, and… » 11/15/14 5:55pm 11/15/14 5:55pm

Even Carlo Ancelotti Wishes Sepp Blatter Would Shut The Fuck Up

FIFA has released its Ballon d'Or shortlist, which means Sepp Blatter can take time away from his day job of punching up FIFA propaganda and gets to enjoy some of that media facetime he loves so much. Like you, Real Madrid manager Carlo Ancelotti would prefer Sepp spared us his hot takes. » 10/29/14 3:12pm 10/29/14 3:12pm

One FIFA Executive Thinks Qatar Will Lose The 2022 World Cup

Everything about the 2022 World Cup in Qatar—from the scores of migrant workers who have died building stadiums and infrastructure, to the accusations of corruption, to the scorching heat that will make games unplayable—is shaping up to be a disaster. It is so bad that even one of the Bond-villain type assholes on… » 9/22/14 9:54am 9/22/14 9:54am