Sepp Blatter Says U.S. Was Supposed To Hold 2022 World Cup

Just when you think Sepp Blatter has revealed the full extent of his kooky theories and self-centered worldview, he opens his mouth again and wows you with even more crazy talk. In his newest interview, Blatter elucidates his belief that the entire FIFA scandal was a covert ploy by Michel Platini and, independently,… »10/28/15 10:33am10/28/15 10:33am


Sepp Blatter's 90-Day Suspension Is In The Hands Of The Man Who Whitewashed FIFA Corruption

According to various reports, FIFA’s ethics committee has recommended a 90-day suspension of president Sepp Blatter while they wait to see if any of the numerous investigations of him stick. Mind you, this is only a provisional suspension which must be ratified by a man with a track record of trying to sweep FIFA… »10/07/15 3:13pm10/07/15 3:13pm

Head Of FIFA Reform Committee Thinks We've Been Too Mean To Sepp Blatter

If you doubted the true independence of FIFA’s self-selected reform committee—a group mainly composed of existing FIFA members, led by an outside investigator selected and paid for by FIFA, and tasked with rooting out the causes of rampant corruption those highest up FIFA’s power pyramid had absolutely positively no… »8/24/15 11:32am8/24/15 11:32am

Vladimir Putin Says His Homeboy Sepp Blatter Deserves A Nobel Prize

Since FIFA president Sepp Blatter won his first election in 1998, he has (allegedly! [lol]) both bribed and received bribes in order to stay in power and award desperate countries international tournaments. Along the way, he has actually and truly ravaged local economies by siphoning public money for useless… »7/28/15 11:34am7/28/15 11:34am

With No Fear Of Arrest, Sepp Blatter Finally Leaves Home For... Russia

Sepp Blatter is not afraid. Sure, he hasn’t left his native Switzerland since that little international scandal that locked up a number of top FIFA officials—he recently skipped out on the Women’s World Cup in Canada and the U-20 World Cup in New Zealand—but that’s not because he’s had anything to fear. As proof, he’s… »7/23/15 3:09pm7/23/15 3:09pm

FIFA Presidential Election Will Be Held In February

Today’s announcement that FIFA will finally hold a presidential election to replace the resigning Sepp Blatter will be held on Feb. 26, 2016, is typical FIFA frustration in that it’ll mean Blatter was able to hang on for nine whole months after calling it quits in disgrace. But let’s have some optimism: it also means… »7/20/15 9:06am7/20/15 9:06am

Sepp Blatter Out Here Like "Hold Up. Who Said Anything About Resigning?"

Is Sepp Blatter just insane or what? That’s about the only question that comes to mind when you hear that, yes, as reports hinted at a couple weeks ago, ol’ Sepp doesn’t actually plan on relinquishing his grasp of the FIFA presidency any time soon—this time coming from the man himself. »6/26/15 11:22am6/26/15 11:22am

Director Of Terrible FIFA Movie Rues His New Rep As A Propaganda Man

Frédéric Auburtin had the misfortune of directing the colossal flop that was United Passions, the movie about and paid for by FIFA. And while directing an awful movie itself can usually be brushed off pretty easily, the recent scandal has inflicted lasting scars on Auburtin’s reputation, as he explains in a new… »6/17/15 12:23pm6/17/15 12:23pm

John Oliver Chugs Bud Light Lime To Celebrate Blatter's Resignation

When Last Week Tonight host John Oliver pledged last week to consume a variety of McDonald’s, Budweiser, and Adidas products if those brands made Sepp Blatter go away, nobody imagined he’d have to make good so quickly. But make good he did, last night—though not before describing Bud Light Lime as tasting like “the… »6/08/15 9:57am6/08/15 9:57am