Coaches pushing their services like politicians trying to nab a presidential bid is my favorite part of any busy offseason. The season isn’t even over, and schools and coaching are already rushing to ship each other for that rose to keep them on The Bachelor: Sex Island.
Iowa State’s Matt Campbell and Baylor’s Dave Aranda totally aren’t telling their agents to put their name up for every job, but if you ever wanted to catfish a Big 12 coach, now is a great time. I’d expect a “Dave Aranda taking interviewing class at Baylor to prepare for Oregon interview” headline from the Onion if it wasn’t such a niche joke.
What isn’t niche is that feeling of wanting more for yourself. Campbell and Aranda are thirsting so hard over the money being given to their peers that you’d think their current positions were being outsourced to Manila. Yes, I’ve spent consecutive weekends mass emailing out applications and cover letters, too, but the company I worked at previously actually did end up outsourcing my job to the Philippines.
However, I think we can all agree the cover letter is the most monotonous aspect of applying for any job. Wait, I have to write one of these specifically for each position? This would be so much easier if I could just find a template from Google and fill in the names like Mad Libs.
Well, wait no longer! Below I have constructed a cover letter outline for Aranda, Campbell, and the like that they can use to streamline those pesky head coach applications. It’s available to download at Deadspin.com for $4.99 or via Google for free after it gets leaked.
Dear University of ______ HR,
My name is ______, and I would like to put my name in for the head coaching position I saw posted on ESPN. I’m currently the head coach of ______, and want to further my career, and I think ______ University gives me that opportunity.
I think I would be a good fit because I’m a hard worker, I know how to coach football, and you need someone who can do both. This year, I won ______ games and will play ______ in the ______ Bowl. It took a lot of hard work, and I couldn’t have done it without all my staff and players.
Even though I’m coaching in the ______ Bowl, I want to compete for national championships and return ______ to its proper place in college football. This is not possible at my current job because I feel I’ve achieved everything I set out to do.
I played football for ______ and graduated with a degree in ______. Go (insert college mascot here)! After that, I coached under ______. He taught me the details of football and how to be a head coach. I have worked for a lot of schools since then, including (insert work experience here), and have a lot of experience that can help my next team.
The campus at ______ is beautiful, and ______ Stadium is one of the best venues in all of college football. Being able to coach at a university like ______ has been a dream for me since I started coaching. I really value the way you run your program, and feel like my strengths will help in areas you need help with and vice versa.
I know recruiting is important, and I feel like my work bringing in student athletes at ______ will translate to ______. Also, I keep up with all the social media trends and even have a TiK Tok account.
I also know that organization is a big part of being a head coach, and in addition to my work running a football team, I also am proficient with Microsoft Word, Excel and Powerpoint.
I would love a chance to interview and am really excited about the prospect of becoming a (Insert name of team mascot you’re applying for). Please don’t hesitate to reach out with any question you may have. Thank you for your time.
(Your name here)