There are keyboard warriors out there, like myself, who will write all these words about how golf is a classist and racist and sexist and bullshit sport and how actually fuck that it’s not even a sport and how the easiest way to tell if you’re in the presence of a Grade-A, grass-fed fuckboy is to ask if he owns Hush Puppies with track spikes on the bottom. But none of these keyboard warriors, including myself, are in these streets doing anything about it. I learned today that there is someone who is.
Norway’s Rogalands Avis reports that some awesome and righteous soul has been sneaking onto Stavanger Golf Club’s property at night and shitting all over the place for 10 years. What’s even better is that this awesome and righteous soul, whom authorities assume due to the size of the shits is a male (of course it’s a male) and have named Dridaren, only shits on the course on weekdays. On the weekends he’s out here living his life! What’s even better than that is that my man Dridaren brings his own toilet paper with him with which to wipe his ass post-shits. Dridaren will poop on the ground, but he’s no psycho.
His favorite place to shit is in the golf holes themselves (of course it’s in the holes), and though fuckboys and their law-enforcing minions have tried many times to catch him and have even come close, they have been gloriously, remarkably, and completely unsuccessful. Here’s the account, that’s been translated from Norwegian:
In pursuit of putting an end to these practices mounted Stavanger Golfklubb up two spotlights at the two most commonly used objects. The idea was that the lights with motion sensors would intimidate the press happy away. It did not go as planned.
- The person who shits climbed actually high up in a tree next teeing ground. He wriggled himself far out on a branch and dismantled just as well the whole lamp. How he managed the feat without turning his depraved is a riddle. The assembly was in fact difficult to implement. We used powerful solutions. That means he is good at processing tools, he said.
Managing Director of Stavanger Golf Club, Steinar Fløisvik, says that the unknown almost was taken a few years back.
- In an early morning dew, we observed bicycle tracks inside the court. The footprints showed where he had emptied bowels, and bicycle tracks disappeared the same way back. On that occasion we were probably very close by to take him in the act, says Fløisvik.
After ten years of “poop terror” has not reviewed the management relationship. They searched in their time for permission to set up a surveillance camera, but it was denied. Although the story borders on the tragicomic look no Fløisvik the situation as funny.