Besides Aaron Rodgers, what other sports figures could use a darkness retreat?

There’s a lot of strands in ol’ Manny’s head these days. He’s got RSN deals collapsing all around his ears, which has been one of the pillars he’s built this profits-untied-to-results structure that baseball currently is. The Visigoths, dressed as creditors, are at the gates.

Those who will lose their RSN deals are going to want those who haven’t to bail them out in some way, be it simply a national distribution of MLB games — think MLB.TV for all, much like Medicare For All — or greater revenue sharing. He’s going to have the clubs without disappearing TV deals telling those other clubs to do one. He’s got a couple owners who won’t play by his rules and are actually trying to, y’know, provide a team their fans will remember forever. It used to be that everyone hated Rob except for his 30 bosses. And now he’s one misstep away from a good portion of those 30 hating him too. It’s lonely at MLB offices, isn’t it, Rob?

So why not sink into the loneliness, Rob? Why not embrace it? Be consumed by it, if only for a few days? Why not break all the bonds that are being stretched beyond their capability anyway? What might a commissioner free from obligation look like? Well, he’ll look fired is what he’ll look like. But after being released from the flimsiest of shackles, and seeing what the world looks like out from under the thumbs of 30 billionaires who can never be placated like the worst game of solitaire ever, wouldn’t that also be freeing for Rob?

Salvation is just a few days in the dark away, Manfy.

You might have thought we’d put his former teammate, Kyrie Irving here, because he is atop the mountain with Rodgers for guys who think just because they had a thought pop into their head that it’s a golden egg to be shared and cherished by everyone. They are Josh Gad from Avenue 5 without the wig (yes I was the only one who watched it).

But no. KD is hurt anyway, so he doesn’t have much else to do. And there’s no question that Durant takes himself no less seriously than Irving or Rodgers, except you can picture those two having told a joke once in their lives. Kevin Durant has never laughed.

Durant wants to be the same mogul or one-person conglomerate that LeBron is, or more to the point he wants to be able to say those words. Except he has no idea what those words mean. He just likes the sound of it.

So go sit in the dark for a while and hopefully come to the realization that it’s just not you, bud. You’re a blank canvas that just happens to be the most unique scorer in NBA history. You can’t be the center of everything, or really anything. Your best work has always been with someone else doing all of the talking and heavy lifting and deflecting attention. The darkness will reveal that you’re just a simple dude, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Most of us aren’t meant to be William Hearst.

Timmy, oh Timmy. It’s not a keen strategy to come off a season when you simply couldn’t or wouldn’t hit the ball in the air, your team was putting its fans on the rack and slab all summer and then pick a fight with both fans and media before spring training games even start.

Get in the dark, and realize you need to put your dick away, get on base more than one base at a time, and try to make the Southside joyous again. They could use it, they just canceled the damn show!

Dude, they’re going to screw you. More to the point. HE’s going to screw you. You know it, deep down. Whoever Vince McMahon sells WWE to, he’s going to put it in the sale that he gets put back in charge of creative. The more anyone denies it the more it’ll become true. You think this guy will think $8 or $9 billion is enough to just go enjoy life? He already had billions when he was tossed out on his ass. He could have done that already. If a life of golf and afternoon naps was what he was after, that’s what he’d be doing now. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. It’s not the money, it’s the control he wants.

Report to the retreat, Paul, see the truth for what it is, and at least give us something original before you’re pushed out. Is this really how you want to go down? Just serving out the same script that Vince wrote before he left? Are you just a vehicle, Paul? Jay White isn’t going to save you, buddy.

Oh, and bring Cody with you and leave him there.

You’re fine, we just need to make sure you don’t get hurt before the World Cup.

Just stay there until July.

You may be the only hope.

There must be a hope of visions when trapped in the dark for so long. That depriving your senses of anything must force them to create their own for stimulation. Perhaps in them the truth and path are revealed. So go Mr. Garber, and see a promotion/relegation system with a single table.

Kind of like above, but only to see a NHL where both teams wear their home jerseys and we get color vs. color matchups most every night. The dark will make you appreciate and love the variance of tints and hues and shades in the world. A Stanley Cup final of the Rangers blue against the Avalanche’s maroon streaking and contrasting with the shine of the white ice. See it, Gary. Drink the patterns and panorama in. Know this is the way.

You’ll need a break from the noise. The noise your team is creating only to benefit you. Soon, you will replace the Daleys as our king. No place will be as synonymous as Chicago will soon be with you, Justin Fields.

Take to the lack of light and see your throne, that we will build for you on top of the Bean. And how we will come daily to place vegan snacks at your feet, and to thank the giant spaghetti monster for bestowing you upon us, the wretched and lost of this town on Lake Michigan. You will show us our errors, and you will lead us to our corrections.