"Shitstorm," by Strapping Young Lad. From Andy:

Really, the title, "Shitstorm", says all you need to know. They also have another delightful little number called "Rape Song" that's pretty neat, but don't worry, it's anti-rape so you can listen to it with a clean conscience and your friends at Jezebel won't get all pissed off (probably).


Don't underestimate the Jezzies' ability to get pissed off. This song isn't very good. I don't know why only one in five million metal bands realize that having your lead singer actually sing makes your music a thousand times better, but whatever. I like the lead singer's hair. Nothing beats long metal hair and a receding hairline. Such a hot look.

Nazi Bill Simmons Lock of the Week!


Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals and random celebrities pick games to see if they can outwit their expert counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked a fictionalized, Nazi version of popular sportswriter Bill Simmons to pick one game a week for us. Take it away, Nazi Simmons.

"This week, I like the Ravens getting 2.5 points at home against the Giants. The Giants just got shut out on the road by Atlanta and now they get road favorite status? Why, thank you for your money, Vegas! Thank you so much!


"Now, why spend 7,500 words writing a NSDAP Power Poll that breaks down classic Nazi leaders by tiers named after The Challenge contestants? Isn't the better question 'Why not?' Let's get this party started...

"Wait a second. What's that coming out of the wat—"


HOLY SHIT! NAZI SHARK JUST CAME BACK TO LIFE AND ATE NAZI BILL SIMMONS! Rolf the Nazi Shark has entered the Tyson Zone! You could tell me anything about Rolf and I would believe it.

Anyway, Nazi Shark will be making picks for the rest of the season. As for Nazi Bill Simmons... eh, fuck that guy.


Nazi Simmons record: 6-8

2012 Nazi Shark record: 0-0

Chris Johnson Memorial Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death

Me. I deserve it. I'm the one who has never won a fantasy league. I'm the one who drafted Chris Johnson, traded Chris Johnson, and then lost in the playoffs to the team I traded Chris Johnson to because Chris Johnson decided to bust off a 94-yarder. Chris Johnson is but an innocent pawn in this sick, twisted game. It's all MY fault. God, I fucking hate fantasy football. I spent all of Monday Night staggering around my house, cursing myself for making all the wrong moves. Weeden! Why did I start Weeden for RG3 instead of Cousins? I could have done more. I COULD HAVE STOPPED THIS. God damn you, fantasy football. You are horrible.


Reader Paul also hates Doug Martin:

No question about this one, it's Doug Martin. "Oh hey, I'm Doug Martin. I sucked for a while, then I got really good, then I shit the bed like an incontinent lap dog during fantasy semi-finals." Eat a whole burlap sack full of dicks, Doug Martin.


Gregg Easterbrook Is A Haughty Dipshit


I was at the Gawker Christmas party this weekend and I was talking to one of the people in the finance department.

HIM: You shit on Gregg Easterbrook, right?

ME: Yep.

HIM: God, I fucking hate him.

ME: Yep.

HIM: I just... I really fucking hate him. I just HATE him, you know? I hate his fucking guts. He's fucking awful. I hate him. He sucks.


With that in mind, let's take a look at this week's TMQ. And remember: TMQ is best understood as an accurate record of actual douchbaggery — it may not be, but that's the way TMQ is best understood.

Eric Decker of Denver beat Cary Williams of Baltimore for a 51-yard touchdown. Once Decker broke into the clear, Williams came to a stop and watched him, not bothering to pursue.


That's because corner is a GLAMOUR POSITION. You'd never see any Patriots O-linemen standing around like that. Cary Williams, you are guilty of the single worst NFL play of the season so far. Wear this scarlet GB on your jersey from henceforth, and let the world know of your moral shortcomings.

Exchanging gifts is a nice custom, but not if the result is clutter. Modern homes and apartments are full of unwanted items — stuff that is in the way, serving no purpose and fulfilling no desire.


You pathetic, fat, disgusting, COMMON Americans, buying each other needless merchandise, all the while ignoring gifts that offer the chance for personal betterment: like my new novel—THE LEADING INDICATORS—a story about why all of you are so complacent and miserable.

Don't give yet more clutter for the holidays. Make a charitable donation in someone's name, then wrap the receipt in fancy foil paper.


"A donation has been made in your name to to the Human Fund."

You will feel good, your recipient will feel good.

No, they won't. "Giving" someone a charity donation is like handing them wet cement. "Here, I got you this. Aren't I amazing?!"

Your columnist put himself through college, doing so partly by taking extra classes so I earned a bachelor's degree in three and a half years, cutting out one semester of expense.


O HO HO HO! No glory boy is he! Greggggggg worked days and nights to put himself through Colorado College, and was so fucking smart that he didn't even need four years to do it. And yet, he went undrafted by the NFL. A pity that weasel coaches never saw true talent. THIS MAN DESERVES A HEISMAN.

In the first half, Chiefs coach Romeo Crennel declined a penalty against Oakland, to make the Raiders' situation second-and-10 from the Oakland 47 rather than first-and-15 from the Oakland 42. That is, Crennel let the opponent have 5 yards in order to prevent a repeat of first down. There were nine seconds remaining in the half when Crennel made this decision... Jiminy Cricket.


Godfrey Daniel! Here now are seven more TMQ exclamations that I invented on the spot:

• By paddle of Noah!
• Libras and Virgos, oh my!
• Gattaca!
• Sweet song of Solomon!
• Heavens to Farsi!
• And the Football Gods loins retched!
• Tout Jewy!

When Andy Reid sent out the field goal unit, TMQ wrote the words "Eagles season over" in his notebook. And so it was.


WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! The Eagles were 4-9. Four and nine! They lost eight games in a row at one point! Their season was over five zillion years ago! Am I supposed to be impressed that you predicted a ruined season after a team lost eight in row, benched its starting QB, fired two assistant coaches, and were already out of playoff contention? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO SMUG ABOUT? You stupid fucking notebook doesn't make anything official. I bet you wrote "War over" in your notebook three years after World War II ended. Where is this fabled notebook? Do you use a feather quill to write in it? FUCK YOUR NOTEBOOK. It's the least valuable book ever written. I hate that notebook and I hope you drop it in the toilet. The Good Book warns, "Woe unto you when all notebooks speak well of you."

The Bengals emerged from the game 8-6, with a decent shot at the postseason. They have been getting energy from Vontaze Burfict, who went undrafted after being roundly denounced in the draftnik world.


YES! Yes, Vontaze Burfict. That's exactly why the Bengals are good. Not Andy Dalton or AJ Green or any other MEGAGLORYBUCKS player, but Vontaze Burfict. By the way, I wonder why Burfict went undrafted:

On October 6, 2010 Burfict was benched by Arizona State head coach Dennis Erickson. The reason given was Burfict's unusually high number of personal foul penalties.[21] In a game against Stanford, Burfict was called for grabbing the facemask of Doug Baldwin, and-after complaining to the referee-charged with a personal foul for unsportsmanlike conduct that gave Stanford a first down at the ASU 7.[22] Two plays later, Stanford scored what turned out to be the winning touchdown.[23]


I can't believe a bunch of arrogant draftniks would overlook this fine young man after he got benched his sophomore year for costing his team precious wins. Shame on you, draftnik world. SHAME ON YOU.

TMQ has long believed that whenever all experts are certain something will happen, the reverse is about to happen.


EXPERTS: Gregg Easterbrook will be President one day!

Your columnist tutors at a Maryland housing project...

"And this is why zombies aren't as possible as ghosts. Now, what do we say to Kevin Sumlin if he tries to recruit us?"

Video games are a really tempting way to avoid studying. If they had been around when I was a teen, there's no way I would have read so many books or spent three or four hours after school each day at the high school, doing extracurriculars and sports.


If video games had been around when I was a kid, I would be the triple-brained LOGICSTUD that I am today. Oh, how I fear for the children out there. Do you realize that kids today only look at the ball while watching game tape? They've never even HEARD of Chance Warmack!

In college, pollsters award style points for big-margin wins. In the NFL, the football gods punish running up the score.


That's pretty much the opposite of every other TMQ column, which clearly states that running up the score is usually okay in the pros but not against OUR PRECIOUS CHILDREN. The Football Gods have nothing to smile on now! God, Gregg sucks.

Suicide Pick Of The Week

Last week's picks of the Seattle, Detroit, Miami went 2-1, putting me at 35-10 for the season. Again we pick three teams for your suicide pool and something that makes you want to commit suicide (NOTE: Please do not commit suicide). This week, the picks are Carolina, Denver, Indianapolis, and revolving doors. We had a Funbag question a few weeks ago about things that are cool when you're younger but now suck as an adult. I would like to add revolving doors to this list. When I was a kid, revolving doors were the greatest thing in the world. Look at it spin around WHEE! Now I'm old and I have kids and those kids try to all squeeze into one quadrant of the revolving door together, only to trip over each other and begin crying immediately. And there's always some macho asshole coming out of the store that just has to push the door as hard as possible, so that everyone knows he can bench 300 pounds. Fuck that guy, and fuck revolving doors. How am I supposed to roll a suitcase through this gauntlet? Get a real door.


Great Moments In Mole Killing History

Reader Graham sends in this story:

Back when I was a little kid I once spotted my old man standing on our lawn with a pitchfork. Now, this was a work day so he was in a full suit and tie and was wearing rubber galoshes to keep his shoes dry. He was standing, perfectly still, just staring at the ground. Then, all of sudden, BOOM, stabs the pitchfork into the lawn and comes back up with a mole impaled on one of the tines. He had a deadass mole hanging from the pitchfork. He put the pitchfork with mole down, walked to the garage and drove to work.

We grew up in Seattle and it was always wet, so our lawn was a marsh full of earthworms. Made for a perfect mole sanctuary. They made our yard look like Bushwood. My old man tried traps, poison, and smoke, even going so far as to try and drown them a la Carl Spackler. Nothing worked. He did find that waiting over a mole hill with a pitchfork did at least satisfy some of his bloodlust due to the little blind bastards ruining his goddamn lawn. Molehill moves, stab away. If you are angled correctly, dead mole.

That night he returned and had me help him create a small cross out of dowels to which we affixed the mole corpse and planted the crucified corpse next to the hill. If he had not been with his young son I guarantee my Dad would have left a note that implicitly stated to not fuck with his lawn. Which would have been a waste considering all moles speak Portuguese. I eventually took up the pitchfork mantel and between the two of us we must have killed over 20 moles. Unfortunately, they breed like rabbits and while we won some battles, they won the war. The lawn is now a sport court.


Now I want to find a mole to kill.

Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your potential 2012 chopping block:

• Norv Turner
• Mike Munchak
• Chan Gailey
• Rex Ryan
• Pat Shurmur
• Romeo Crennel
• Ron Rivera
• Andy Reid
• Dennis Allen
• Jim Schwartz
• Ken Whisenhunt
• Lovie Smith
• John Harbaugh


(* - possible midseason firing)

I think we're now past the point of midseason firings, which is fine with me, because that means the coming Black Monday will be the BLACKEST MONDAY EVER. Usually by this time, two or three coaches have already been fired, which kind of ruins it, you know? But this year, every head coach will likely survive to the bitter end, which means you could see eight or more guys all shitcanned within hours of each other. HOLY SHIT I CAN'T WAIT.


Gametime Snack Of The Week


Pralines! "Say, what if we took a lump of cooked sugar and nuts and ate it?" Sounds like N'AWLINS tradition to me! GUMBO GUMBO PRALINES GUMBO EVERYONE HERE PLAYS A BRASS INSTRUMENT GUMBO PRALINES GUMBO.

By the way, dissolving pralines in your morning oatmeal? NOT UNDELICOUS.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week


Zhiguljovskoje! Reader Greg (one tasteful G) sends in another cheap Russian brew:

Not that strong (4.0%), but apparently drinkable! My tasting would say that it is remarkably average. But, for $1.99 for "1 quart, 1 pint, 3 oz", that is suitable gametime cheap beer of the week.

Hooray for the international Trade Fair supermarkets in Astoria, you never know what you'll find in there.


I want there to be a kicker with the last name Zhiguljovskoje. He'd boom 60-yarders and post drunken shirtless Facebook photos of himself all the time. I MUST HAVE HIM.

Robert Evans's MVP Watch!

Time to start thinking about who the leaders will be for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.


"Baby, my favorite for NFL MVP is Adrian Peterson of the Vikings! A lot of people are talking about this new Tarantino slavery movie coming out. Controversial? YOU BET! A cheap excuse for a white 'hippiester' from Los Angeles to use racial epithets as many times as possible? YOU KNOW IT. I gotta hand it to the young turk: It's not easy getting a slavery pic off the ground. Back in '78, we were trying to get our own slavery vehicle together: THE SLAVEFATHER. Poitier was going to be our lead. Nicholson, of course, was to play the dirty filthy plantation owner. And a young GRACE JONES was going to be Poitier's daughter, a young slave girl torn between her love for her father and the forbidden romance she carries on with Nicholson! Talk about a winning pitch! We brought in Billy Friedkin to direct: the original slavedriver!


"We had an entire replica of a Southern plantation built right next to an ACTUAL plantation that didn't have the right paint job for our DP to work around. We brought in loads of black extras to work the fields and paid them scale and a half. No auctions on an Evans set, baby! Well, turned out the financing hit a snag and while we waited for it to come through, Friedkin pushed for more and more rehearsals. He had the extras out in the fields 20 hours a day, and whenever people asked for water, he hit them with a megaphone! And I said, 'Whoa baby, you're taking the realism too far!' And that's when he accused me of being a traitor to the Southern cause. He had his lackeys grab some rope and tie me to a nearby fence. Uncomfortable? YOU BET! No champagne for miles? NONE AT ALL.

"Anyway, I'm tied to this fence and young Grace Jones saunters by. And I beg her to get some scissors and cut me loose. Well, she just laughs in my face and grabs a nearby whip. 'Baby, no!' I screamed, but it was too late! She pulled my pants down, tickled my Little Evans, and then whipped me hard and as long as she could! Then she would stop to give me a little hand action and go right back to the pain. And then she hissed in my ear: 'Reparations, you whore.' And I said, 'You got it all wrong, baby! I'm a tribesman! We're on the same team!' Then she whipped my genitals fifty times and I had the BEST orgasm of my life. I asked her to do it again the next day but the set had already been foreclosed on by the bank. If you see Grace, tell her I miss her."


Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Chiefs Fans

A Christmas Story. Always A Christmas Story right before Christmas. I know that TBS always does their annual marathon of this movie, but the marathon starts at 8 p.m. on Christmas Eve. They should go ahead and start the marathon a full week beforehand. What else am I gonna watch on TBS? Meet the Browns? Fuck that shit. I would like the entire network compromised for a whole week because I'm too lazy to stream that movie.


Gratuitous Simpsons Quote

"They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die."


Enjoy the games, everyone.