Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Ambush Highlights Everything Wrong With Video-Fightin' Bros

Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Pillsbury Beatdown," from njon437, who apparently joined to post this lone video. Tonight's commentator: Me. (Coming next week: the previously mentioned "Streetfight in Jonkoping Sweden.")

Sometimes in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to call people out for violating a street-fight ethos that dates back, through various manifestations, to the killing field where Cain dropped Abel.

This is one of those times.

Set aside the fact that “Pillsbury beatdown” was so poorly shot that I had to work up a fresh copy – losing a few seconds off the front end – to present it in landscape mode.

Regardless of how it’s viewed, these bros are the jittiest of the bags on earth.

You can see the lead-in by clicking that link in the intro. There’s about 30 seconds missing. The long and short of it: Trio of bros shown walking along a sidewalk (fourth guy don't do much, so we can keep him out of it).

Lead bro dons a wife-beater and ice-camo shorts that sag beneath his ass.

Behind him in this low-rent shantytown setting: One chubby lad in blue and one victim-to-be.

What becomes quickly evident – as lead bro summons the cameraman with a simple look – is that we’re watching an ambush.

“Ungh. Yup. I’m on it,” are the words with which we’re introduced to our compliant narrator.

Before long, Chubby Blue Boy looks back. He’s the hanger-on. He’s in on it. And, he’s going to use this opportunity to prove how “tough” he is and that he is a strong member of this “crew.”

One could posit that he is not held in high regard. This supposition, and the realization that they laugh about him behind his back, becomes believable when we see a dog lost mid-face-scratch behind a fence, so he’s no threat to anybody but himself.

Pooch starts barking. Little Boy Blue is frightened. He jumps as if a pitbull is a centimeter from grabbing teeth full of girth. Look closely and you can see a puddle of dignity spray onto the curb line.

He soon recovers, but not to the point of being comfortable on the sidewalk, so close to harm.

This positioning draws a look from lead dog. Victim-to-be is now flanked. This is a signal that the time has come to drop him. He slows his pace a moment. The narrator chimes that simple-assault-charge-in-waiting is “gon’ miss.”

But it is an impossibility to miss when your target is within a step and cannot see that he’s about to take a fist to the ear.

And then a fist to the other ear.

And then six more punches from Fraidy Cat dog jumper.

And then one kick from lead dog.

And then two kicks and a punch from F.C. Chunk, who looks up to make sure the cameraman caught his shining moment before going and spitting on his hat. Like a total fucking badass.

This is where the fighting in the video ends. What ensues is discussions about how “ratchet” they are. And the labeling of the event as a “walk by.” And the assertion that the victim’s blood isn’t worth an observer’s dog or something.

We never learn what led up to this assault on friend and dignity. Maybe it’s something heinous. Who knows. But the fact that they were walking as if everything was a’ight until it was made un-a’ight with a slew of cheap shots should tell us one thing: This is evidence of some punk-ass bitches who thought it’d be cool to knock a kid’s brain around inside his skull for a little while.

I’m not exactly sure when Tuesday Night Fights started. Sometime in 2011, I believe. But what I’m sure of is this:

There has been a fuckload of more violence scenes presented on Tuesday nights. Hell, there’ve been a few related to which I searched for obituaries. (Never found any).

But while my theory behind this being to present how friggin’ stupid and inhumane people can be to one another – with humor and boobsiness serving as the sign-spinning hypefolk despite cries of egging-em-on exploitation – this one stood out as a call to arms.

These assholes set a friend up for a beating that they could record and have videographer “njon437” upload to YouTube.

Setting aside the fact that those on film didn’t look like folks with promising futures, I-Team assembly would be a waste of time considering the best location available is what may be a blurry Idaho license plate.

Then again, about 950 miles away from the state line, there is a city named Pillsbury in North Dakota which had a dozen residents in the 2010 census. Of course, that would mean nearly half of Pillsbury was involved in a Children-of-the-Cornsian scene.

So, I guess the best we can do is hold these jitbags up as totems of all that’s wrong with violent bros everywhere.

Pshew. Feel better now. So, let's get back to fights with Russians and/or boobs.

And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:

• If it's gonna be that kind of party in Arizona, they probably wouldn't have any mashed potatoes available, so erbody'd probably just watch the mass ladybrawl too. (Start of Violence, instantly)


• What'd you do this weekend? Naaaaahn. Just kicked back by the pool, remembering America's fallen heroes. Made sure the weed didn't get messed up due to them ladies who were fighting and whatnot. Pondered what more was to come out of this fracas. Worldstar. (SoV, 0:20)

• Two PAC soldiers engage in stick warfare on tha streets of Lucknow. (SoV, 0:05)

• The "Our Souls and Our Blood We Will Sacrifice for You, Oh Saddam" Intermission:

• Bro-battle! (SoV, instantly w/ rest of fight)

• Quite a bit going on here. What appears to be a dream sequence Kevin Smith with a Hitlerish stash. Resorting to kicks and pitching-motion punches in an attempt to negate a decisive height disadvantage. Folding after two lefts (well, three, if it connected) from a gent with smoke in mouth. (SoV, 0:09)

• Ecuador's ambassador to Peru vs. two ladies in a Lima supermarket. Who ya got? (SoV, instantly)

• Have you ever seen a Turkish classroom brawl, Joey? (SoV, instantly)

• Russian Bros Gone Wild Intermezzo:

• "Make her cry! Make her bleed!" Fort Wayne, don't you ever dare change. (SoV, 0:12)


• Babber Jewellers is "a family run business that have been based in Handsworth for over 20 years. ... There are pendants and chains for men so there is something for the males as well as for the females." Should you end up seeking a pendant during a trip to Birmingham, UK, set aside some time at Babber's, as you may see people a'brawlin' across Soho Road. (SoV, instantly)

• Crisp knockout here, yo. (SoV, 0:07)

• The Window-Carrying Brawl Observer Live Look-In:

• From America's birthplace, this isn't so much a fight video — as the earlier scuffle occurred off camera — as it is a guy who battled with bouncers opening fire with an AK-47 at a strip club not too far from the airport (SoV, 0:41). Bonus Coverage I: " Girls fight at philly papi stor." (SoV, 0:06).


• From TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao: "Old Man Attacks University Student For Not Offering Her Bus Seat."

• Schoooool's out for ever. (SoV, 0:05)

• The High-Schoolgirl Fight Taser-Intervention Intermezzo:

• White folk in Leesville, La. knew enough to aim a car's headlights in the direction where Frank and someoneorother took to the field of battle. Hands were shaken. Then, the grunty screaming commenced. (SoV, 0:15)


• Morris College in Sumter, SC will never be the same. (SoV, 0:40)

• Others: "Beat down on Rena St." "Jiggy gives matobi a beatdown!" "Fight @ crusins niteclub Warning this video for adults (+18)" "Huge Drunken Brawl at UCF House Party 2013." "street fight!" "brawl at party." "STREET FIGHT with news crew." "Girl fight beatdown." "Fight at St Mary's 2013." " PARTY TURNS INTO A BRAWL TORNABE PARTY."


• Stripper-Fight Coda: