Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

American Gladiators, You Have Been Missed

Illustration for article titled American Gladiators, You Have Been Missed

If you're struggling to find something to help pass the time before this evening's festival of basketball, I can't recommend ESPN Classic strongly enough right now. We're in the midst of a 7-episode American Gladiators marathon, starring Zap, Gemini, Malibu, Sunny, Joe Theismann, and a contestant named Ursula who I don't think is wearing a bra.

I can't believe this thing has been off the air for over 10 years. With all the bullshit game shows and reality shows on TV now, we can't find room for the Joust, the Gauntlet, or Breakthrough and Conquer? Put a million dollars on the line, or something, get 'roided-up monsters out there, come up with some new and sluttier outfits for the female Gladiators... I demand it.

A contestant just accused Nitro of oiling himself up to get an unfair advantage in the Conquer portion of Breakthrough and Conquer, and then Nitro outright cheated in the Joust. I forgot what a dick that guy was.


And I had no recollection of Joe Theismann commentating these things... which is a shame, because it might be the best work he's ever done. I also didn't remember Gladiator Malibu, who's got this long, blonde, feathered hair of which Theismann is totally jealous.

American Gladiators []

Share This Story

Get our newsletter