Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
* Welcome to the Eastern Conference Finals, Montreal. See how much easier hockey is when you take the skate guards off? [Montreal Gazette]
* Doug Collins is your new coach of the Philadelphia 76ers. I guess he hasn't seen what they did to his car while he was in the interview. [Philly Inquirer]
* Gale Sayers and Brian Urlacher are involved in the worst fight ever. I say worst, because the dispute is literally over which era of the Chicago Bears sucked harder. Fellas, can't we just agree that both your teams were terrible? [ESPN]
* The Mets' John Maine was pulled from his start yesterday after just five pitches. Why would you do that, Pitching Coach Dan Warthen? "John is a habitual liar in a lot of ways, as far as his own health." He didn't even tell them about the rickets! [NY Daily News]
* Brett Favre told the Southern Miss baseball team that if they make the College World Series he will return to the NFL next year. There's still time for an NCAA death penalty investigation against the Golden Eagles, right? [USA Today]
* * * * *
Friday is here. And you said your entire week was a waste of time. Now who's laughing?