billyhaisley Page 9 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
José Mourinho Eats Shit At Russian Hockey Game
Unemployed soccer manager José Mourinho is currently in Russia for some reason, and decided to take in a KHL game today. While performing the pre-game ceremonial puck drop, Mourinho managed to do in his first appearance on ice what it usually takes him three seasons to do when coaching a soccer team...
Deadspin Up All Night: Bafuka Na Quench
Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Had to be better than last time....
Lionel Messi's Tap-In Completes The Platonic Ideal Of A Barcelona Goal
If you were to diagram out the most quintessentially Barcelona goal imaginable, you could do a lot worse than this tie-killing, overly intricate, senselessly gorgeous combination between about half the Barça team that saw Lionel Messi teed up to blast the ball into the net from point-blank range....
Tottenham Are A Fairy Tale In Search Of A Happy Ending
When will Spurs quit messing around and finally win something? That is the question flying around North London like an arrow aimed at Mauricio Pochettino and Tottenham’s upper-management this week after the club fell out of both domestic cup competitions, succumbing to the injury crisis even the mos...
Once Again, Neymar Might Be Fucked
For Neymar, the events of the past week must feel like an especially haunting instance of déjà vu. Once again, the Paris Saint-Germain superstar came up lame in the middle of a match after a not especially horrific clash. Once again, further tests revealed the injury to be worse than it first seemed...
Bad Soccer Manager Suspended Five Months For Headbutting The Everloving Shit Out Of Opposing Coach<em></em>
Giancarlo Favarin manages Italian third-tier club Lucchese. During a match against Alessandria on Sunday, he found himself in a spat with an assistant coach on the opposing side. In an effort to settle the dispute, Favarin rammed his massive, shiny forehead straight through the assistant’s nose:...
Qatar Beat The Hell Out Of UAE And Then Got A Bunch Of Shoes Thrown At Them
The UAE had big hopes this winter. The tiny Middle Eastern nation is hosting this month’s Asian Cup, and national team appeared to be on the brink of something special when they qualified for the semifinals against their hated rivals, Qatar. Then Qatar beat the shit out of them so badly today that t...
At Least Real Madrid's Lost Season Has Given Us The Rise Of Vinícius
At just 18 years old, in his first season in Europe, Brazilian forward Vinícius Júnior has already carved out a significant role for himself in Real Madrid’s squad. His emergence as a valuable and now arguably a critical component of one of the best teams in the world happened way faster than anyone...
Notts County Owner Accidentally Tweets Dong Shot, Announces Intent To Sell Team, Says The Two Are Unrelated
Before this weekend, English businessman Alan Hardy owned both Notts County, a fourth-tier English soccer club, and a penis the vast majority of the world had never seen. After his accidentally revealing tweet on Sunday, both of those facts will need to be revised....
Some Peon Tries To Hurt Neymar, Gets Humiliated By Neymar
About an hour into Paris Saint-Germain’s Coupe de France match against Strasbourg yesterday, Neymar was clowning on his inferiors with his imperial dribbling skills, as is his wont. Strasbourg midfielder Moataz Zemzemi must’ve taken Neymar’s casual demonstration of superiority personally, because he...
Barcelona Signed Frenkie De Jong And Now Must Figure Out Who They Want Him To Be
It is glaringly obvious that Dutch midfielder Frenkie de Jong is one of the most exciting prospects in world soccer today. While I and most others writing about him now, after the hotly contested courtship that involved pretty much all the game’s biggest clubs finally came to a close when Barcelona ...
Cops: Wayne Rooney Speaking "Broken English" When Arrested For Public Intoxication
We learned a couple weeks ago that Old Man Wayne Rooney got popped with a public intoxication charge at Dulles International Airport in December. What we didn’t know then was what exactly it was about the twisted-off-his-ass Rooney that attracted the cops’ attention. We do know now. And it involves ...
Woman Who Coaches Men's Soccer Team Responds To Sexist Question: "I Pick My Team On Dick Length"
In late December, German soccer club BV Cloppenburg handed the reins of their fifth-division men’s team to Imke Wübbenhorst, making her the first woman to coach a German men’s team at that high of a level. You could probably imagine some of the moronic questions Wübbenhorst has had to field in light...
Deadspin Up All Night: Stuck A Fork Through His Nuts
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It's Beginning To Feel Like Manchester United Are Back
There’s not a chance in hell Manchester United win the Premier League this season. The odds of them accomplishing what should be the bare minimum for the richest club in the world—finishing in the Champions League places—are better, but hardly great. Barring multiple calamities on the part of a coup...
Dejan Lovren Suspended For Calling Sergio Ramos, Spain Players "Pussies"
According to the Liverpool Echo, UEFA has suspended Croatia and Liverpool defender Dejan Lovren for one international match because of a postgame Instagram Live rant Lovren went on recently in which he bragged about elbowing Sergio Ramos and called the Spain national team “a bunch of pussies.”...
VAR Shat All Over Yesterday's Tottenham-Chelsea League Cup Match
Tottenham beat Chelsea in the first leg of their League Cup semifinal tie yesterday by a score of 1-0 thanks to a video replay-awarded penalty decision that was so comprehensively terrible that it had both managers trashing VAR after the match....
Finnish Soccer Player Refuses To Join National Team Camp In Qatar Because Qatar Is Evil
Riku Riski, a forward who plays for HJK Helsinki and the Finland national team, recently turned down an invitation to a national team training camp held in Qatar. Today, Finnish paper the Helsingin Sanomat reports that Riski rejected the call-up due to ethical concerns with the infamously human righ...
Deadspin Up All Night: Want The Winning Team
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Hopefully We've Seen The Last Of Neymar's God-Awful Fake Dreadlocks
Elaborate hairstyles of both the well- and ill-advised variety have been a constant throughout Neymar’s career. And while we’ve enjoyed seeing his shift away from the perms he once constantly rocked in favor of more natural, kinky looks in recent years, we hope to God that yesterday’s debut of his a...