dashiell-bennett-old Page 55 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Jeremy Shockey Doesn't Play Well With Others
The Saints and Texans, bitter rivals from centuries past, got into a little intersquad donnybrook yesterday and America's second-most beloved tight-end was somewhere in the middle of it. Shocking, right? (Get it? 'Cause that's his name.)...
Any Teams Named Yankees Or Red Sox Must Fight To The Death
Did you know that any team nicknamed the "Yankees" must, by law, engage in one beanball war and/or bat-swinging brawl each season with another team named the "Red Sox"? Even if that team is comprised of eight-year olds....
Chipper Jones' Death Ranch Claims Another Victim
A illegal immigrant was found dead on the Texas property owned by the Larry Jones family. (It's eight miles from the Rio Grande and 124 degrees. Do the math.) Unrelated: The Braves have hired new hitting coach Anton Chigurh. [Journal-Constitution]...
"Fan Cans" Let You Chug For Alma Mater
Anheuser-Busch takes the problem of underage drinking very seriously, especially on campus, where binge drinking has become an epidemic. So to demonstrate their solidarity with college-age alcoholics, the company is now producing cans in your favorite school's colors!...
Boston Stands At Attention For Patriots' Opener
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap....
Orioles Fan Overestimates His Five Tool Abilities
Quick poll question: When a guy runs on the field during a baseball game, do you root for the dude or security? Or do you just root for blood? Keep in mind, you're at an Orioles game....
Father Chooses Alabama Football Player Over His Own Daughter In "Lovers' Quarrel"
Alabama sophomore Courtney Upshaw and his girlfriend were both arrested and charged with domestic violence/harassment last night—and the father of the girl is not happy. After all, it's completely his daughter's fault for picking on that poor linebacker....
NCAA Bans Improper Spreads And Jams
George Mason coach Jim Larranaga reports that NCAA rules allow him to provide free bagels to his players, but butter and cream cheese would be a violation. Now that's meshuggah! [Twitter, via Brooks]...
Buccaneers' Aqib Talib Jumps On The Arrest Bandwagon
Is all this terrible legal trouble dissuading NFL players from punching people in the head? Not Tampa's Aqib Talib! Busted last night for simple battery and resisting arrest. What would be considered "complicated battery?"...
Plaxico Burress Heading To Jail
In a surprise twist to an otherwise boring legal hearing, Plaxico Burress plead guilty to attempted criminal possession of a weapon and has accepted a two-year prison term, plus two more years of "supervised release."...
Insensitive NFL Sells Brett Favre Dog Jerseys!
OMG, you guys! Can you believe the Minnesota Vikings are such cold heartless bastards that they would profit off the pain of animals by selling personalized dog jerseys! It's almost like they don't care how ridiculous your pets look!...
Arrggh! My Back!
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap....
Ben Roethlisberger's Lawyers Stay On The Offensive
Big Ben's legal team released a series of emails and instant messages sent by his accuser that they say "prove" he did not rape that woman, Andrea McNulty. If IM messages are now irrefutable evidence, then may I suggest this....
Punching A Crippled Child Will Not Get Your Soccer Ball Back
A 23-year-old woman in a dispute over a soccer ball with a wheelchair-bound 13-year-old boy at a children's hospital, slugged him right in the medical halo that was screwed into his skull. That's at least a yellow card, right? [DMN]...
ESPN Videos Now Include Their Own Blooper Reels, "Bitch"
The funniest part of any Burt Reynolds movie is when they roll the bloopers during the closing credits. So ESPN's video folks must have figured, "Why not just leave the part where Paul Severino starts swearing in this game preview?"...
MANAGER FIGHT!!!
As is customary when a player throws a fastball three feet behind a batter's back, umpires deliver a warning to both managers. Then they tap gloves and come out swinging! At least that's the way it should be....
Nick Schuyler Explains What Went Wrong
The lone survivor of the boating accident that took the lives of three football players gave his first news interview since being rescued from the waters of the Gulf of Mexico in March....
Bookies Have A Good Feeling About This Florida Team
The Florida Gators are a 73-point favorite in their home opener against Charleston Southern. You will never see a gambler work harder to find a parlay. [Wiz of Odds]...
Don Ohlmeyer Addresses Roethlisberger Story, Learns What "Ombudsman" Means
Former NBC executive Don Ohlmeyer actually opened his first ESPN ombudsman column by reciting the definition of "ombudsman" from the dictionary. And also like a bad graduation speech, he takes way too long to get to the point....