jordansargent Page 2 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Whoever Hacked Marcell Dareus Did A Good Job
Early this morning, the above post appeared on the Instagram feed of Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus. Next to a perhaps unflattering photo of himself, Dareus appears to torch the NFL, the Bills, Rex Ryan, the team’s owner, its fans, and its fans’ kids before quitting altogether so he can smoke...
Colin Jost Is A Dumbass
Here is a joke that Colin Jost, co-host of Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update,” made last Saturday:...
The Heat Stink But At Least They Can Still Troll The Lakers<em></em>
Today the Miami Heat announced that they will be retiring Shaquille O’Neal’s jersey. This would be the most unspectacular bit of news except that the game in which the Heat have chosen to hoist Shaq’s jersey to the rafters can’t possibly have been an accident:...
If You Want To Know What Potential Trump Cabinet Member Kris Kobach Plans To Do It's All Written On This Piece Of Paper
Yesterday, Donald Trump held more meetings with all sorts of people hoping to ingratiate themselves with the president-elect. Among them was Kris Kobach, the deeply anti-immigrant secretary of state of Kansas who was thought to be Trump’s pick for attorney general, but now may be in the running for ...
Blake Bortles Bortled Again
Upon witnessing Blake Bortles throw an interception off his own player’s shoe last week against the Texans, you may have thought: “Well, here’s something I’ll never see again in my life.” If so, may I say: Friend, you underestimated Blake Bortles....
Hot Fucking Stove: May I Interest You In News About The Houston Astros?
Folks, the Hot Stove is as cold as a popsicle being licked by Dick Cheney. There has been minimal baseball news to speak of this week, with the exception of one team. You heard about these Astros?...
Report: Aaron Rodgers Hasn't Talked To His Family In Two Years
The most useful aspect of Jordan Rodgers’s appearance on The Bachelorette was the revelation that he apparently has no relationship with his brother, NFL star Aaron. Now, a new story published on Bleacher Report adds new details to the Packers quarterback’s supposedly strained relationship with his ...
Can You Make Out Anything Crazy Ed Orgeron Says In This Fiery Pregame Speech?
The difference between our idea of pregame speeches and the reality of those speeches is generally pretty stark. Coaches probably like to imagine themselves as priming their players to “run through a wall,” but any time we get a peek a a real speech we often see a bunch of lame platitudes being str...
Louisville May Have Committed Espionage To Beat Wake Forest<em></em>
Louisville beat Wake Forest 44-12 this past Saturday, though it was a classic “closer than the score appears” game. Wake was winning 12-0 at one point, and went into the fourth quarter up 12-10 before Louisville blithely stepped on the gas. Nonetheless, it would have been a mere footnote of a game i...
David Blaine Made Steph Curry, Drake, Dave Chappelle, And Jimmy Butler See God
David Blaine television specials are like evolved versions of Punk’d in that they seem to exist primarily to temporarily bring celebrities down to level of the viewer: astonished, freaked out, and unsure of what humanity is capable of. Last night ABC aired a new Blaine special called Beyond Magic, ...
Ryan Tannehill Was Bodysnatched By An Elite Quarterback<em></em>
A symptom of rooting for a team piloted by a mediocre quarterback—say, for instance, the Miami Dolphins—is being periodically reminded of how hard it is to beat a team that has a quarterback who simply makes plays. A guy who can routinely stick throws on third down or scramble out of pressure is an ...
Serge Ibaka Returned To Oklahoma City To Bury The Thunder
When the Thunder traded Serge Ibaka to the Magic on the night of the 2016 draft, it was an implicit acknowledgement that the franchise had passed him by. Oklahoma City had just pushed the Warriors to the edge of elimination in the Western Conference Finals behind the strength of their own Lineup of ...
The Most Blake Bortles Play Blake Bortles Ever Bortled
The Jaguars entered this season with expectations of contending for a playoff spot. Instead, after a 24-21 loss to the Texans, they’re 2-7 and haven’t won a game in a month. It’s been a grim season, but thankfully Blake Bortles is dedicated to supplying his fans with much needed dosages of slapstick...
The Hot Fucking Stove Is Now Happening
Welcome to our first Hot Stove in Trump’s America, where, unlike the rest of Trump’s America, the men getting rich will actually deserve it....
<i>New York Times </i>Washington Editor Asks, Why Won't The Democrats Be More Racist?
In defeat, American liberals and the left are currently engaged in two arguments, which really amount to one argument: Whose fault is it that Hillary Clinton lost, and what should the Democratic Party do to defeat Donald Trump and down-ballot Republicans the next time around?...
FIU Tight End Out For Senior Season After Girlfriend Pours Boiling Water On His Head
Florida International tight end Jonnu Smith, who made the preseason Mackey Award watch list for best tight end in college football, will miss the rest of his senior season after his girlfriend poured a pot of boiling water over his head....
Here's How (Some) <i>New York Times</i> Staffers Are Voting
Like many major news organizations, the New York Times has a policy that forbids its writers and editors from publicly endorsing any candidate. Ancient journalism folklore states that ideally one shouldn’t have opinions—doing so would anger our one true god, Objectivity—but given that this isn’t pos...
Audience Openly Laughs At Madonna For Saying "I Do Consider Myself A Minority"
Tonight in New York’s Washington Square Park, Madonna performed a “surprise” concert in support of Hillary Clinton. I don’t know a single thing that happened there except for this: Madonna said she considers herself a minority, and then her audience openly laughed in her face....
Report: Mo Wilkerson Was Benched For Missing His Own Birthday Party
Yesterday against the Dolphins, Jets coach Todd Bowles benched two of his best players, Mo Wilkerson and Sheldon Richardson, for the first quarter. Bowles declined to reveal to the press why he sat two of the team’s only indispensable players during a quarter in which the Dolphins put up two touchdo...
So Where Does This Leave The Indians?
Regardless of it they had won or lost last night, we all could have agreed on one thing: The Cubs seem positioned to contend for championships indefinitely. But for the Indians—the team that, uh, actually lost—the question of how many more bites they may get at the apple is far less simple....