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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Big Unit Is Back In Stock! (Please Allow 14 Business Days For Shipping)

Illustration for article titled Big Unit Is Back In Stock! (Please Allow 14 Business Days For Shipping)

Notes from a day in baseball:

Randy, Plain And Tall. This "VHTF" item on eBay is an absolute steal at the Buy It Now price of $5.69, so we would advise picking one up if you have the means. It's the Big Unit action figure, of course, and it won't be on the market long after his stellar effort on Tuesday; a one-hitter over six innings in Arizona's 3-0 win over Colorado. Please note, however, in the auction details: The piece is in MINT condition, with some very minor shelf wear on the packaging. Just like the real thing! Actually, Johnson is 43, which means that if you take him out of his plastic case his legs and/or ams could pop off at any moment. Oh no ... the cat's got his head! But on Tuesday all of that was forgotten, as Unit struck out nine and walked none for his first win since returning to Arizona after two seasons with the Yankees. The Rockies' one hit came on Willy Taveras' bunt single in the fourth. Well OK, that's it. Back in your package, you big magnificent cranky stork-man.


Prince Humperdinck Is Not Impressed. King Felix is back, but may we be the first to say that the emperor had no clothes last evening? Wait, wait, we're mixing our regal metaphors here. Let's just say that Ichiro Suzuki's five hits bailed out Hernandez, who returned from a 26-day absence to go an erratic 3 2/3 innings in Seattle's 11-3 win over the Angels.

Life, Rafael Furcal, And Everything. Scientists have recently discovered clusters of cosmic dark matter that give us a clearer picture of what's going on billions of light-years from Earth. Yet incredibly, we still can't determine why Rafael Furcal has eight hits in two games against the Cardinals. Furcal (hitting .214 just a week ago) had four hits on Tuesday to lead the Dodgers to a 9-7 win.


I'm Not Listening! La La La La La La! We were talking with a friend on Tuesday who absolutely refused to let us comment on the Brewers' strong season so far, claiming all sorts of jinx nonsense. When we persisted, our friend covered his ears and ran off down the street. What kind of lunatic behavior is that? But then we checked the box scores and found this: Philadelphia 4, Milwaukee 3. Carlos Ruiz hit a solo homer with two outs in the ninth at the exact moment we were talking with our friend.*

Cubs Win! Comic Book Guy: "Last night's John Maine start was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world."

* = Not really. At that moment we were going through a car wash.

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