Now that you're all hero-ed out from the SEC Championship, certainly there's enough quarterback love letters in your back pocket for Sam Bradford and Chase Daniel in the Big XII Championship in Kansas City. The Sooners are about 17-point faves, which means the live blog will be interesting by, oh, midway through the second quarter, in which case we'll go over every Top 10 quarterback and say why they should win the Heisman. Jumping significantly reduces your chance of not avoiding cancer.
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11:45 — All right. Signing off. Man, that blew. Not for Oklahoma, of course. And not for fans of the Big XII, probably. But for me, and for Missouri, and for all of the populous who foolishly tuned in wanting a good game. So if you must watch Cincy-Hawaii, then so be it. Either way, thanks for following this game — or at the very least, refreshing the page — and our paths shall cross again at the next lively blog.
11:44 — Sam Bradford says that "a lot of people said we didn't deserve to be in this game." Fun fact: Sam Bradford's car only gets Austin radio stations.
11:42 — Probably for the best. Missouri lets the clock run down on their own misery, and I suppose Oklahoma and Florida — not USC, Texas, or Alabama — will be in the BCS championship game.
11:38 — The kickoff takes a funny bounce and hits Maclin in the head, then has to field the ball and gets tackled at the 7-yard line. I think we can make that the Deadspin Profitable Sponsor© Live Blog Microcosm Of The Game.
11:34 — Madu runs ragged, and it's 62 points! DiMaggio's streak ... Gretzky's scoring ... Chamberlain's 100 points ... the fall of the Berlin wall ... this streak of five straight games of 60-point games ranks up there with all of them. AND YET I'M SOMEHOW NOT VERY EXCITED.
11:29 — And ... pickstorm. Lendy Holmes returns it about 20 yards, and then the OU sideline gets two penalties after the play is over. Bob Stoops tears the kidneys out of the perpetrators, then the Sooners fans cheer "We want Florida!" I love how national champs are decided by who the fans want in a knee-jerk championship matchup.
11:28 — "Chase Daniel would love to deny Oklahoma this record." No, he'd love to win the goddamn game. That won't happen, though. I don't think he cares about how many points OU scores if OU is going to win.
11:22 — Touchdown, Chris Brown. Hey little Sooner, do you want to know a secret? Because I know one and it is soooo good to hear it. You want to know what it schwas? I know ... how to score .. all the way to schfifty five.
11:21 — Musberger refers to the new Cowboys stadium as "The Jones Mahal." I think that'll work nicely.
11:18 — Nobody told Iglesias to stop trying. I guess he must have Tim Tebow's motivational speech on his Zune.
11:16 — The referee is not thinking about where Oklahoma will finish in the BCS standings. They're still throwing flags and calling penalties and doing their job and other boring minutia. Oklahoma now "triesforsixtypoints" and such.
11:11 — A less impressive catch by Coffman in the endzone is nonetheless a catch in the endzone. AND THE STREAK CONTINUES.
11:10 — All right, that was rather fine. Chase Coffman gets a pinky-toe inbounds as he dives for the catch.
11:09 — Maclin catches a touchdown. OR MAYBE IT WASN'T. They're waving it off, saying he didn't maintain possession. He caught it, then let it fall out of his arm as he slid in the endzone. Guess they'll have to settle for 14.
11:07 — Oh, but nobody's talking about Missouri trying to score 20 points in 13 straight games. Nothing at all? The Tigers are 30 yards away from that.
11:01 — OKLAHOMA WANTS TO SCORE 60 POINTS. In this sentence, Oklahoma = ABC. They're 12 points away from that with Mossis Madu's run.
10:57 — Just one more quarter? I think I can tough it out.
10:54 — Boring first down after boring first down, and Herbstreit is thrilled that the fullback with big hair caught a pass. Just look at that long hair. Er ... flip the picture 180 degrees.
10:45 — Points! Thank heavens. Daniel to Tommy Saunders. 1.75/10.
10:44 — The game is so exciting, ABC's just going to keep showing Oklahoma defensive coordinator Brent Venables signal in the formation to his players. It's as exciting as it looks.
10:42 — Missouri converts a fourth down. And with that, the game has gone from a 1/10 to a 1.15/10.
10:41 — Thanks, Herbstreit, for mentioning that the Bowling Green coaching position is still open. Musberger has nothing to add to that. Back to this rout.
10:39 — Jeremy Maclin, after that hit, is a two-dimensional football player. Someone please pull him from the turf.
10:33 — Dan Beebe, the Big XII commissioner, joins ABC in the booth and hints at wanting a Texas-Oklahoma national championship game. Oh, that joker! Seriously, that man's like a kid who inherited a candy store. He has three teams in the top 10, and yet the conference is under so much heat because of their fifth divisional championship tie-breaker.
10:29 — Jimmy Stevens gets a much more actual leg underneath the field goal try, and a 30-yard field goal is good. Hell, that'd have been good from 33. Meanwhile, Brent and Kirk are distracted — nay, silenced — by meat on a grill. Then again, who isn't?
10:24 — Florida is playing Oklahoma in the national championship game, and Sam Bradford will win the Heisman. It's already been decided in the booth, you see. "I know I'm getting ahead of myself," Musberger finally concedes, then Herbstreit puts reality in perspective. The Sooners are just trying to get to 60 points, which means they'll have done it five games in a row, which has never been done before. Also what hasn't been done before: crying in three consecutive live blogs.
10:21 — Might as well punt it at midfield. No use trying to force the five required touchdowns right away.
10:17 — And we're back! Oh, and yes, the kickoff return had a penalty. Nice to see the refs coming out of the halftime making some good adjustments.
Halftime Entertainment Video
How about "Bohemian Rhapsody" played with farty hands? That'll work.
9:55 — Oh my that finally ended. You ... you mean there's another 30 minutes of this game left?
9:52 — Chase Daniel will channel his inner Rex Grossman and just go deep from here on out. If this was a video game, the reset button would have been violently dinged by now.
9:50 — Chris Brown runs it to put the score up to Ludicrous Lead. They've gone to plaid.
9:48 — All this talk of Texas scoring 70 points in a B12 championship game a few years ago just isn't funny. Because ... well, OU intercepts Daniel on the slant pass. That's why. Following the I-N-T is Bradford tossing it downfield to set up another 1st and goal.
9:44 — Mossis Madu gathers the toss and runs for a non-penalized non-reviewed touchdown. After further review, I picked the wrong game to live blog.
9:42 — Of course OU brandishes their football genitals in the face of the Missouri defense, and throws an out route to move the chains.
9:41 — Finally, the Sooners hit a 4th down. Ah hell, Stoops tells his team, just stay in there and convert it. Nobody's watching anyway.
9:38 — Head ref: "There is no foul on the play."
9:35 — Missouri's failed third down conversion seems as good a time as any to share with you a video e-mailed to me by Kansas fan Alex, of Chase Daniel playing with his own nose goblins. Seems apt.
9:29 — To the orange thrower: take your moronic OJ Simpson protests somewhere else.
9:27 — Did ... did Herbie just say someone threw an orange onto the field? And the the refs didn't stop play? The orange is guilty of illegal citric contact and that should have been 10 yards at the spot of the rind. Instead, Bradford flings it to Iglesias (again) for a huge(r) lead.
9:25 — By the way, 1st and goal Oklahoma.
9:24 — That didn't take too long. Daniel stretches for another yards and gets the ball popped out. OU recovers, but it's a questionable call, so the referees won't look it over. And why would they? Nobody was taunting the other team. A screen capture of the head referee:
9:22 — Oklahoma calls a timeout. On DEFENSE!? After a KICK RETURN!? That's probably a 5-yard penalty. Why not? Everything else is.
9:18 — Bradford to Juaquin Iglesias to put the lead back up to 10. Iglesies draws an unsportsmanlike after the touchdown. Is the head referee gonna have to break out more country-fresh colloquialisms?
9:17 — The referee gets both teams into a huddle, probably to tell them to stop getting so many daggum penalties, because that's not your your momma raised you, and other folksy maxims of that nature.
9:15 — OU just keeps rolling up the first downs. Tell you what. If you've got this game on mute, and still want the full effect of the game, just play this every 3 minutes:
9:13 — SOME KIND OF INJURY UPDATE. DeMarco Murray is out of the game with an injury. Oklahoma will be in trouble if they're not a prestigious team with a talent-loaded depth chart.
9:08 — Daniel to Maclin on a 3rd and long, finds a porous spot in OU's secondary — much like Oklahoma's terrain in general — and skips to his own loo for a touchdown. Mizzou gets a "Non contact foul" after the TD, and a "falsified start" on the PAT, proving you don't have to punch an opponent to break rules in the game of football.
9:05 — So Scrubs is now hopping from network station to network station? That's very strange and I'm not sure I'm okay with that. With that said, back to you, Brent Musberger!
9:02 — For being down 10 points, Missouri's offense is hanging in there. That is, of course, a euphemism for "down by 27 by the third quarter."
8:57 — Yes, one of ABC's highlights in their first quarter montage was a missed field goal. Hot football action, indeed.
8:56 — OMG IT'S A SLIGHTLY TRENDY FORMATION! A lateral back to Daniel tricks OU into pass interference, and the drive continues. Curse the inventor of the Wildcat formation!
8:52 — The Sooner Schooner broke down at midfield during that TV timeout. Barry Switzer is furious.
8:50 — Brown strolls in for a touchdown up the middle. Officials look over whether the band began "Boomer Sooner" with forte or mezzo forte.
8:49 — Chris Brown rushes for six yards. And yet the officials accept that result at their word, without looking at it again.
8:47 — Officials stop to review whether the ball was caught and downed by Oklahoma or caught and fumbled and recovered by Oklahoma. You read that right. Probably.
8:42 — Funny how when Chase Daniel avoids three sacks, then gets flattened for a three yard gain, it still hurts. Missouri punts back.
8:39 — Bradford shanks two straight passes, letting them hit the ground instead of a receiver's torso. Tack on a personal foul on Oklahoma for crying out it, and OU has to punt on 4th and 25. Horribly, I might add. Mike Knall treats the ball like a bishop, and kicks it diagonally out of bounds for 26 yards.
8:34 — Offsetting personal fouls. Two people feel bad, and the game is not affected. Jeff Wolfert attempts the 49-yard field goal and it wobbles a couple of yards short. If nothing else, Wolfert can take solace in that it went twice that of Stevens' kick earlier in the game. OU ball.
8:33 — Jeremy Maclin, when he touches the ball, has the chance to score every time, says Kirk Herbstreit. Technically, doesn't everyone?
8:32 — Chase Daniel, white running quarterback. A columnist's dream.
8:29 — No, I'm not convinced Jeremy Maclin, Chase Coffman and Derrick Washington are IMPACT PLAYERS for Missouri if it's not to the tune of "Thunderstruck."
8:26 — Proving it's immensely difficult to fuck up a 20-yard field goal, Jimmy Stevens puts his team on top by trois.
8:24 — Did the receiver step out of bounds, or did he step out of bounds further down? An official review is underway to see whether or not it's 4th and goal or 4th and goal.
8:22 — Sam Bradford throws two incomplete passes, and Musberger and Herbstreit can't explain why that happened. Declaring he's not actually Midwest Jesus hasn't been ruled out.
8:20 — No wonder OU has a great offensive line. They have great names like "Phil Loadholt." So far they've gone to the red zone with hardly any problem.
8:14 — Marvelous camerawork to get that coin toss. In the entire history of coin tosses, only one has ever been botched. Not this one. Good thing Oklahoma didn't lose that coin toss, because then Texas would have won the tiebreaker and they'd usurp the sideline and play Missouri in this game.
It's so adorable. Missouri has convinced themselves they're as good as Oklahoma, and I'd like them to convince all of us of the same thing, because, dammit, some of us decided to stay in and watch this game. If anything else languishes around as a morsel of comfort, it's that the Big XII Championship has a slight history of being unpredictable. Double-digit favorites haven't always won this baby.
The problem, however, is that OU is 5-1 in this game since 2000, with their only loss coming to Kansas State in 2003. Which means Missouri might not have a chance in this game unless Chase Daniel wears an Ell Roberson mask, and surprises the Oklahoma defense like a Mailbox Monster from Toe Jam & Earl. In fact I'm pretty sure "Mailbox Monster" is a trick play up Gary Pinkel's visor. Mark it down.
It's Bingo Time