Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Blue Jays Fan Bares ... Nothing

Illustration for article titled Blue Jays Fan Bares ... Nothing

What is it about that vast field of indoor turf that compels individuals to sashay onto it? Was it the powder blue throwbacks? That's the only excuse I'm taking on an otherwise standard Blue Jays opening night. Toronto beat the visiting Red Sox 6-3, thanks to Frank Thomas's go-ahead double. Roberto Alomar threw out the first pitch and was honored before the game, being put in the Blue Jays Level of Excellence. Fancy! I hear it has a Cinnabon.


Now, I'm not saying that girl's fat, but I am saying David Eckstein inquired after the game if her navel is available for rent.

No, No, Away From The Middle Of The Plate. We all knew this. The Giants season will be a work-in-progress. Jonathan Sanchez, Keiichi Yabu and Brad Hennessey learned the hard way that pitches down the middle of the plate? Well, those tend to turn into extra base hits, some of which land beyond the fances. Bill Hall had two such hits, finishing the day 3-for-5 with 6 RBI in a 13-4 rout of the Giants on Milwaukee's Opening Day. No non-streaking streakers were seen on the field, but there will be more Brewers shenanigans later on in the day, so stay tuned.

Why Detroit Should Panic. Bud Selig, in an effort to fight any potential waning interest in the sport, sped up the league on his video game to merely play a 23-game season. Every game in April counts. So now that the Detroit Tigers remain winless after an 8-5 loss to the White Sox, there are only 19 more games left to reach the playoffs. The trading deadline is next Thursday. And we're too far in the season to change the league settings to "Rookie." And you don't have enough room left on your memory card to start a new Franchise Mode. You're screwed, Detroit, and you're too much of a chicken to just hit the Reset button.

Six Months Too Late. When we last saw the Diamondbacks, they were getting swept right out of the NLCS. Now it's April, and Arizona was finally able to contain the Rockies bats in an 8-1 victory. Micah Owings struck out nine in 6 2/3 inning, allowing just two hits. Unfortunately, it's nearing the end of the second trimester of the Rockies championship, so trying to abort the pure and beautiful miracle that Colorado achieved last year might be considered feticide today. Please consult your local constable.

Down 11 Is The Perfect Time To Rally. The Texas Rangers had a blowout all wrapped up in California, but then Dustin Nippert happened. Bestowed an 11-0 lead in the ninth inning, Nippert promptly allowed six runs on five hits, leaving the mound with the game still in progress. Eddie "That's Where He Went" Guardado swooped in with two runners on base to get the final out and salvage the win, 11-6. Before the commotion, Ben Broussard hit a grand slam and Kasey Gabbard threw seven scoreless innings for the win.

Damn, it feels good to write a closer about a sport I understand.