Bonds Planning To Break Aaron's Record In Private, Backyard Ceremony

Our story so far: Barry Bonds is two home runs away from tying Hank Aaron's career home run record, a situation which makes the lightning bolt scar on my forehead throb and burn like fire, but that's beside the point. Bonds sat out Sunday's game in Milwaukee, which the Brewers won 7-5. Meanwhile, Bud Selig said that he would not follow Bonds to San Francisco, claiming that he had many errands to run, and besides, Tuesday is his spinning class.

But the most interesting development in this saga, actually, has occurred away from the field, as Bonds' attorney, Michael Rains, gave the U.S. Attorney's Office a little bulletin board material. In roughly the equivalent of poking a hibernating bear with a sharp stick, Rains told the New York Daily News: "I've kicked their ass in private, I'll continue to kick their ass in public." That's because prosecutors said recently that they think they have enough evidence to indict Bonds for perjury ... but not until September. So look for that, along with an all-new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO! But back to the game; Ryan Braun and Corey Hart had first-inning home runs off of Barry Zito (7-10), who has given up 21 first-inning runs in 20 starts.

• Devil Rays Decide To Disband, Try Harder Next Season. Children's book author and part-time stripper escort Alex Rodriguez helped pummel the helpless Tampa Bay Devil Rays, 21-4, with his 34th homer of the season for the Yankees. With two more dings, A-Rod will become the youngest to ever hit 500 homers (although 410 of those have come against Tampa Bay). The Yankees collected 25 hits on Sunday, after they had 20 in a 17-5 win on Saturday.

• The Mets, Keeping Your Hopes Up For No Good Reason Since 1987. Chip Ambres, which I always thought was what the Apaches used to make arrowheads, is in reality a rookie for the Mets. He singled home the go-ahead run in the 10th as New York beat the Dodgers 5-4, taking three of four in the series.

• It's Millar Time. Hey, look at this: Jeremy Guthrie allowed two hits over seven innings as the Orioles beat the Athletics 2-0. Kevin Millar and Jay Payton had a run-scoring singles for Baltimore. Of course, the Athletics are possibly the most disappointing team in the AL so far, but we won't get into that.

• A Mighty Wind. Fun fact: The Colorado Rockies haven't scored in 20 innings, and went 0-for-28 with runners in scoring position in a four-game series with the Nationals. Austin Kearns had a three-run homer in the eighth and four Washington pitchers combined on a second consecutive shutout, 3-0.