Carlos Vela Crumples Up San Jose Earthquakes, Drops Them In Waste Basket, Pees In Waste Basket, Hurls Waste Basket Into Volcano

Carlos Vela is MLS’s top goal scorer this season, and is tied for second in assists, and a person doesn’t get to those positions in a professional league without being either a FIFA 19 creation or just comprehensively superior to 99 percent of the other people in the league. The numbers tell the latter story on the page; highlights like the one below show just what that looks like on the pitch:

That is Vela just making an absolute mockery of the San Jose Earthquakes in a match Wednesday night. It was the second goal of the night for Vela, and there’s a reasonable case to be made that he should be thrown in jail for it. The savaging of multiple defenders and poor Daniel Vega was bad enough, before Vela hit the brakes one last time to let Nick Lima slide in for a front row view of the sly, gentle finish. Rude! Extremely rude and humiliating.

You do not have to have an opinion on where Carlos Vela lands on some hierarchy of MLS players, nor is it important that you especially give a shit about the relative quality of MLS soccer among other leagues around the globe. You can just click the “play” button on this highlight video and admire one sports man sending a whole bunch of opposing sports men to sports hell.