Now here's the original version, which you should watch, because Rihanna is not unattractive:

Because I've been subjected to so much kids' music, my first reaction when hearing the first cut above was, "Hey, that's not so bad!" To my ruined ears, there isn't much of a difference between these two tracks. The girl they got to sing the Kidz Bop version doesn't even sound like a girl. The rest of the album was produced in a similar fashion, and represents a vast improvement over Kidz Bop records of old (listen to this cover of Smashmouth's "All Star" if you don't believe me).


I found this music to be shockingly tolerable. I didn't even mind the "Moves Like Jagger" cover, which is FUCKED! I should have been protesting the track vehemently. I should have warned everyone that hearing anything spawned by Adam Levine makes me want to beat Adam Levine to death with a wire whisk. But NO! No, I danced around my dining room listening to that shit, willingly taking the abuse. I was like, "Wow! It sounds almost like the real thing!" But I HATE the real thing! They've someone tricked me into accepting a facsimile of dogshit! I'm at the point now where I'm GRATEFUL to be listening to an overproduced retread of a shitty Top 40 song. This is what the cabal of corporate encephalopods in charge of shitting out these records has reduced me to. If you hit me up with a Pantera album right now, I wouldn't be able to process it. I'd be like, "Oh, well that's not terribly appropriate in this setting!" I'm so goddamn lame.

If you're a smart parent (I'm not), you'll make sure that there's no such things as kids' music, and that there's just MUSIC. My kids like some real music, but they mostly like the kiddie dogshit. That's on me. I never should have opened that door. (NOTE: At least I was smart enough to forbid any kiddie music in the car. NEVER allow your kids to dictate the music in the car.) Good music ought to appeal to everyone of all ages. Don't corner yourself into being stuck with the Wiggles all day long. You'll never get out of parenthood alive.

Photo by Kiselev Andrey Valerevich/Shutterstock