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Cockblocked By Kim Jong Il!

Illustration for article titled Cockblocked By Kim Jong Il!

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.



I was stationed in South Korea working as an aircraft mechanic on a US military base near Seoul. I remember it was Chinese New Year and in Korea that meant an epic orgy of all day drinking and eating odd and questionable food. Just think of the craziest party night in the US and triple it in a city of 20 million. Well, as my life tends to go, I get stuck working all night. We had a curfew back then and by the time I was done with work I couldn't get off base without fear of being beat half to death by the Korean gate guards. So, after work I made my way back to my barracks where I ran into this girl I knew that lived a few doors down from me.

I had talked to her a few times before as we sometimes frequented the same bars but I figured I had no chance as; one, I was a skinny white dude; two, there was huge amount of competition amongst the GI's for any decent looking girl who possessed command of the English language; and three, in Korea there is a unwritten rule that you don't bump uglies with a girl living in the barracks near the end of her tour unless you wanted something that rhymes with herpes. We exchange pleasantries in the hall and I can tell she has been out celebrating the New Year all day. We ask each other the obligatory "when are you out of here?" She tells me she is gone in the morning so I wish her good luck at her next base, and I walk into my room.

About 10 seconds later there is a knock at my door and it's her. She is standing at my door kind of leaning against the side of the door frame in her best "Let's fuck" pose. She tells me, "I want to get to know you better." Needless to say I am overjoyed at the turn of events, but I remember, I am covered in jet fuel, oil, and the smell of the pig farms that surround the base has permeated every aspect of my clothes. I also remember a briefing I was forced to attend once that consisted of a medic standing in front of all the mechanics and telling us....jet fuel + hydraulic fluid + vagina = emergency room visit for someone's wife.

So with that fond memory in mind I tell the girl to give me 5 min to clean up and I would be over to her room. I jump in the shower and scrub off. As I am putting on some clothes for the trip down the hall there is another knock at my door. I was elated at the prospect of Mr. Benet's ex-wife standing in my door again only to find my buddy in full uniform telling me to grab my stuff and get into work as fast as possible. I ran out the door with boots and uniform in hand to later find out North Korean fighters had made a run at the DMZ only to turn at the last moment and we had sent up some fighters of our own to say hello. Rumor had it that only the dear leader himself could have authorized such a mission. I didn't make it back to my barracks until early the next morning and by then Miss Berry was on her way back to the US. Damn you communism and your cold heartless iron fist.


Oh, that's just wrong.


When was in my early 20's just out of college I rented a summer beach house in South Jersey with friends. This bar scene in this particular shore town is like a college town where every Friday-Sunday things get pretty crazy. So one Friday night I'm pretty hammered and get separated from my friends watching a band. I end up chatting up this group of girls. Before I even know it, I'm hooking up with one at the bar, Tiffany. Each of us had a sober friend with us who cockblocks the situation and we leave separately shortly after and I never even catch her name or phone number (slightly before the cell phone era). But I found out later from one of my friends who knows one of her friends that she stalked me that night and next morning. So I find out her info and feel pretty confident that we'll run into each other again soon.

So that night after going to the 2 most popular bars in the town looking for her and several hours of drinking, I'm pretty drunk. I'm ready to leave, rub one out and go to bed when I see her standing right by the door. I couldn't believe my luck. So after some quick chit chat, we decide to head back to her place. We go right to her bedroom and we are attacking each other, clothes are off and she's going down on me like a porn star. We never realized it, but we were in the bed of the friend with whom she shared her bedroom. So a few minutes later her somewhat drunk friend, "Anna", and may I add the hottest of her friends, comes into the dark bedroom, gets undressed and just gets right into bed with us. At first she didn't realize we were there, but then she rolled over and put her arms around me, caressing my chest. I figure maybe she's mistaking me for someone else, but I don't care. Now, while Tiffany's going down on me, my mind is racing while I try to figure out how I can pull off every dude's three-way dream.

So I say something vague like "Are you into trying this?" as I point to Anna. Tiffany must have misunderstood what I meant and says "OK, let's move over to my bed." I took that to mean, "Yes, I totally want a three-way with you and my friend Anna in my bed", when she really must have meant she was into having sex with me in her bed while Anna slept in the same room. So she said she'll be right back and leaves the room for a few minutes. I figured while I was waiting I'd start getting Anna in the mood. I have no idea what to do in this situation. So Anna responds and we're sucking face and I'm working my way down. Well, naturally when Tiffany returns and sees what is going on, she's incredibly pissed off and yells at me to leave. Only I'm too disoriented to even figure out how to walk home and it's about 3am, so I sleep on their front deck on a deck chair freezing my nads off on a chilly night. The next morning during my walk of shame I end up running into Tiffany, Anna, and their housemates on their way to brunch making the DHF even more humiliating.


I was a DJ at a bar near a university with great year around weather and a reputation as a party school. (I was a graduate student there). There was this beer tub girl that was so smoking hot, I could hardly concentrate on playing the music when she worked right in front of me. Needless to say, I would have done almost anything to have a shot with her.

After months of torture akin to the Hanoi Hilton (as far as I was concerned), after one Saturday she says as I am about to leave: "Hey we are going to this party, you want to go?" Of course I said yes and off I went following them to this beautiful and huge house. Once I heard she was single, I decided to take my shot. After drinking enough Crown Royal with her and a few other people to drop a rhino, she and I wind up by ourselves and I start making the moves. I felt like my game was working and then all of a sudden she started crying.

Turns out her best friend, a gay guy, died a week before of an overdose. She told me was drinking so much to dull the pain of losing her best friend. As you might expect, I was comforting her with the idea of really "comforting" her. Then, it happened. I got overwhelmed with a guilty conscience and just sat there holding her until she passed out. The next weekend, she came up to me and thanked me for comforting her and not taking advantage of her when it was there for the taking. I asked her out on a date, and she turned me down! 10 years later, I want to kill myself when I think of it.


Stupid suicidal gay friends! Always gummin' up the works!

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