Welcome to Great Moments In Drunken Hookup Failure, where we chronicle four heartwarming stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
So, this is back when I'm in college. I've just gotten back together with my ex-girlfriend (this ends badly, but that's something 21 y/o me had yet to realize, because like all 21 y/o's, I was a fucking idiot). We're heading to a fraternity formal for the evening.
We end up pre-gaming pretty hard at a friend's. End up following this up with dinner at one of the nicer restaurants in town, and I'm at the level of drunk where I decide I'm just not going to stop drinking. Luckily(?), I went to college in the type of town that welcomed kids driving around as drunkenly as they wanted, just so long as they didn't drink underaged in the bars. Southern cops, I tell ya.
So after dinner we're both pretty gone, and heading back to my buddy's place to finish the pregame before heading to the party. Apparently, she's reached that Horny Drunk status, and since he hadn't been reunited for all that long, things were still at the place where random BJs weren't too out of the question. I decide to pull over behind the local Dollar Store (classy guy, I was) and she starts going to town. I'm in a tuxedo, she's in a formal dress, and I'm getting blown. Things are looking up.
All of a sudden, someone knocks loudly on her window. I snap out of my happy drunken getting blown status to see a WIDE EYED HOMELESS MAN just gawking at what's transpiring. Her head flies up (no teeth injuries, thank goodness) and she shrieks. A homeless man getting his jollies? No, of course not. Instead, he pipes up "Hey, can I get a dollar?"
No sir. No you may not.
Anyway, my buzz and blowie ruined, we ended up back at my friend's and I assume we went out and had fun and I probably even got laid that night. I don't remember. All I know is I've never been blown to satisfaction while wearing a tuxedo by a girl in a formal gown, and it's looking less and less likely that dream will ever be realized. I also now refuse to volunteer to help the homeless.
Good for you, sir.
I had been dating a girl (who is now my wife) for a year. Being college students, we spent most weekends at downtown bars, which usually ended quite well. Anyway, one particular night we ended up being out too late after having had too much to drink. We got back to my apartment, and tried fooling around on the couch. Eventually, this led to her servicing me while sitting next to me and leaning over my lap. Keep in mind that the bars in town closed at 4, I worked full time, and went to school full time. I was exhausted. I ended up nodding off (not a big deal- I've done it before and will no doubt do it again).
Unfortunately, she fell asleep as well, while still having me in her mouth. Haha, great story, right? Wrong! My girlfriend suffered from an affliction that you, Drew, mentioned having: she grinds her teeth at night.
Oh, that's not good.
Imagine my horror; I nodded off in a happy stupor from beer and oral, only to be awakened by someone GRINDING HER TEETH ON MY COCK. It is just as unbearable as it sounds. My cries of pain woke her, and got her off of me, at which time we assessed the damage. There was a ring of bite marks starting to bleed around me. Needless to say, I was out of commission for quite some time, and my wife has never been able to live it down.
/shuts legs tightly
During a trip to Hawaii after college graduation we found out my Hawaiian name is Keoni and it's stuck ever since. So my "go to" pick up line at bars is telling girls I'm Hawaiian. (Story includes lies such as but not limited to: Name=Keoni, Born in Hawaii, Went to Barack's High School, I have surfed all the big wave spots) One night at a bar it works like a charm and I have this southern bell from Georgia eating it up. We exchange pins (I'm one of those guys) and I tell her I'll bbm her later. I black out and forget. BUT! The following Friday I tell her to come to this bar I'm going to that night. She eventually comes when I'm 3 sheets to the wind and we get to chatting. College football is on the TV and Georgia is playing. She points to one TV and we have this exchange:
Her: We killed you guys in that bowl game last year
Me: What?! (My college is not a football powerhouse)
Her: Georgia, we killed Hawaii in the bowl game last year
Me: Oh… Funny story, *giggle, giggle* I'm not Hawaiian. I…
I guess she didn't find this as assuming as I did because she did an about face and went back across the bar to her friends and didn't speak to me the rest of the night. I guess John from Jersey doesn't get her squirting in her panties like Keoni. So I proceed to get sufficiently blacked out, and go try one more time to make amends. She is having none of it and I go to the bar across the street where my friend is for his sister's husband's birthday party. While there I get asked to stop staring at the DJ with huge cans, and then hit on/sweet talk the sister right in front of the husband. I woke up feeling ashamed the next morning with an empty big mac container.
Oof. Stupid token BCS appearance.
One night I was at a house party downtown. I didn't know any of the people who lived there, and I don't even think my friends who I went with directly knew any of them either. One of THOSE parties. Maybe a hundred people crammed into a rowhouse and spilling into the tiny patio. After a long night of drinking, somebody in the kitchen decided it would be a fantastic idea to play Spin the Bottle. I didn't know any of these people but I was drunk and had not met anyone I thought I could take home that night and drunk me thought this would be a good "in". I had to bite the bullet and smooch a couple dudes on the lips but this was well worth the random hardcore making out with girls it led to.
One of them I thought was especially cute and we kept talking after Spin the Bottle got old (which was after about 5 minutes). We chatted up the last hour or so until the cops showed up (again, one of THOSE parties). This girl was a freshman and said something like "I'm still not very familiar with the city... could you walk me home?" and kissed me on the mouth. Why, yes I would be happy to walk you home. She lived only a few blocks away. She didn't need anybody to walk to her home. This was going to lead to sexxing, I was quite sure.
So we walked back to her place. It was a dorm and you weren't allowed to sign guests in after 11pm but since I had gone to this school the year before I still had an ID and the door guys recognized me any way. So we go in. Now, this being a fucking obnoxious art school, they weren't really dorms as much as apartments and condos the school bought and used as dorms. So like five or six kids lived in these places. None of her roommates were home, which I was happy to see. They had only been living together a short time and weren't really friends.
So we make out standing right in front of the door for a while and then she stops all of a sudden and runs into the bathroom very quickly, shouting "oh man I have to pee so bad!" But I had a good idea what that kind of jog to the bathroom meant. And then I heard the sounds I was dreading. Puke city. I heard it splash all over the floor. I heard hurling and grunting. This was a lot of puke. But me being the drunk moron I was at the time, I thought "well she'll probably throw up and then be fine, clean up a little, come back out and we go to her room and sex."
So I decided to sit on the couch for a while. I have no idea how much time passed. But then her roommates start trickling in. The first one sees me and is terrified. I explain why there is a strange man reeking of booze sitting on her couch. Her only reaction is "oh." Another one comes in. "Who the fuck are you?" I explain myself again. "Well, where the fuck is she? I don't fucking see her." I explain where she is. "You know, she's probably just waiting for you to leave cos she changed her mind and doesn't want to fuck you." We don't speak any more. Another roommate comes home. She seems nice at first. She sits down and starts talking to me. Then it becomes the fucking inquisition. "So, you thought you could just come back here and fuck her huh? I bet you'd never even talk to her again. You seem like an asshole. What the fuck are you doing here?" and so on.
Eventually someone has to use the bathroom and realize WHOOPS the girl I came home with locked the door and apparently passed out on the bathroom floor. No amount of noise could seem to get her up. This immediately is deemed to be my fault. 'Hey fuckhead, now none of us can use our own bathroom because you thought you could get our roommate drunk and fuck her brains out." She proceeded to go out to the balcony and squat there. Now that I knew my girl was absolutely not coming to, I figured I should make my exit before this got any worse. So I hastily got out. Then I realized I left my glasses on the coffee table. Fuck. I knock for maybe five minutes but no one answers the door. The lights are on and I can clearly hear people walking around. But no answer. I'm fucked. So I go home. Thankfully the girl got my number from somebody she knew I knew and I had a message from her when I finally got up the next day. She was very apologetic and her roommates were actually all incredibly nice when I went back, like I'd woken up in a different dimension or something.
Those roommates? Commenters at Jezebel.