Our weekly college football shame index.
Kansas State 55, West Virginia 14: The most common complaints we get at College ShameDay are not about the teams we lambast; they're about the teams we leave out. The Mountaineers, likely incensed that their loss to Texas Tech went unnoticed, decided to do something about it. That something was laying a bigger and more putrid egg at home against Kansas State.
It is possible to overstate how ineffective West Virginia's offense was in this game, but only by resorting to outright lies like, "Geno Smith started hacky-sacking in the second quarter and claimed that he didn't even know what football was." A more measured statement: Going into the game, WVU was averaging six plays of 20 yards or more per contest; its longest play against Kansas State went for 13 yards. The Wildcats disarmed every Mountaineer weapon. For the first time in 25 games, no West Virginia player finished with at least 50 receiving yards.
Dana Holgorsen's offense could muster only 243 total yards by the final whistle, and—here is where we really twist the knife—West Virginia hadn't been held under 250 at home since Dec. 1, 2007. The winning coach in Morgantown that night?
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE MUSTACHE.
USC 50, Colorado 6: If you were not aware that Colorado is one of the nation's worst FBS teams this year, I have bad news: You are only a figment of someone's imagination and not a real person. There are coma wards where everyone knows that Colorado is garbage. The Buffaloes didn't need to get trounced by USC for people to realize it, but let's take notice of three momentous fourth-quarter plays from Saturday anyway.
- USC's Javorious Allen runs for no gain on the game's final play, a third-and-4. This was only the sixth third-down attempt the Trojans faced all day, tying a record for the fewest attempts by a Colorado opponent ever. Their company in this category? The 1957 Missouri Tigers.
- Max Wittek throws a 24-yard touchdown pass to D.J. Morgan with 11:11 left. USC's seventh passing score sets the record for most ever allowed in a game by Colorado. A sad moment for the previous record holder, the 2011 USC Trojans.
- Halfway through the quarter, Nelson Agholor catches a pass for a one-yard gain. This is the last pass of the day for Southern Cal, which completes 23 of 25 passes on the day, or 92 percent. No team has ever hung a higher completion percentage on a Buffs defense. The previous record of 91.7 percent was set by Missouri in 1983.
2012 Colorado football—reaching all-time levels of suck!
Wake Forest 16, Virginia 10: Usually, if you hold your opponents to one third-down conversion out of 15, and if you force them into a completion percentage under 40, and if you're playing Wake Forest any time after 2007, you win. The Virginia Cavaliers are anything but usual.
There isn't even an easy explanation for this loss. UVA forced Wake to punt 10 times. The Cavaliers had three turnovers, but the Demon Deacons managed only three points off of them. Phillip Sims even put up his highest all-purpose-yards total ever! (OK, this last one is a pretty low hurdle.)
None of this changes the result, of course, which means the Hoos have a six-game losing streak heading into a bye week where they'll try to regroup before traveling to NC State. You know who never lost seven games in a row in one season? That personification of chronic fatigue syndrome, Al Groh.
Prior to this weekend, South Carolina had held an opponent under 100 yards rushing and 100 yards passing six times since 2000, all Gamecock wins. Florida ran for 89, threw for 94—and won by 33 points. Do not tell Steve Spurrier this on the tee box or you will be fully liable for the injuries caused to the person brained by his drive.
Idaho held a powerful Louisiana Tech offense to 311 yards. Then the second quarter started. We miss you already, Robb Akey.
Floridas Atlantic and International, both looking for their first conference win of the year, each took two-score leads into the fourth quarter. The Owls promptly let South Alabama outgain them by 145 yards in the last frame, and the Panthers let Troy score 10 points despite holding the ball for nearly 13 of the final 15 minutes.
Please forgive me for inventing the most vulgar word in college football history, but: Iowauburn.
Missouri is the worst team in the nation at converting on third down. Kentucky is the fourth-worst team in the nation at preventing opponents from converting on third down. You could watch this game, or you could watch a toddler blow bubbles at a cobweb.
1-5 Hawaii travels to Fort Collins to play 1-6 Colorado State. I don't know to whom this game presents any interest, but I feel terrible for them.
Duke-Florida State is a potential preview of the ACC championship game and wait come back I'll give you four free tickets and complimentary airfare to Charlotte and wipe out all your student-loan debt dammit you hung up the phone already.
Celebrity Hot Tub is a college football fan who lost the ability to truly love thanks to three years of Florida head coach Ron Zook. He writes for Every Day Should Be Saturday. Follow him on Twitter @celebrityhottub.