Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
I was drinking heavily with some friends who lived in a duplex. Their neighbors (and some friends) came over to hang out with us. I immediately began to hit on the cute girl in the group, and to my surprise, it was going really well. Then she mentioned her boyfriend, who lived in Chicago.
I switched to her friend, and that seemed to be going well. I mentioned that I was looking for a new place to live, and she invited me to check out her place across the street. We went into her apartment, and after giving me the "grand tour," she sat down on her bed, patted the bed beside her, and said, "Have a seat." A sober non-idiot would read this as a clear green light. I, however, was drunk enough to not pick up on her none-too-subtle hint. I sat down, we had an awkward moment, and I said, "Well, I guess they're wondering where we are. We should get back to the party." I stood up and we left her place. I'm guessing there was a look of disappointment on her face, but I was too drunk to notice.
A few hours later, after the party wound down and most people had gone home (including that girl), I was standing on my friends' front porch with another buddy (let's call him "Keith"), smoking a cigarette. It was about 3am at this point in time.
My memory fails me a bit here, but this is what I've pieced together: I mumbled to Keith something about wanting to go see that girl and try to have sex with her, and stumbled across the street. I recall placing both hands and one foot on the 7-foot-tall wrought iron fence that separated me from this girl's apartment, and somehow managed to climb up to the top.
The only thing I remember after that is a sickening thud.
According to Keith, I got to the top and fell nearly headfirst off the fence—landing on solid concrete. I'm lucky I landed on my arm before my head, otherwise I probably wouldn't have survived.
Another friend ("Mark") walked outside shortly thereafter, and laughed at what he saw. I was pacing back and forth along the fence "like a caged animal" (as Mark put it) and Keith was encouraging me to try and climb back over. I had lost a flip-flop in this endeavor (it was still spiked on top of the fence) and couldn't figure out what had happened. In fact, that's all I could manage to say: "What the fuck happened?"
Keith then convinced me that if I jumped up and down hard enough, I could set off the pressure-sensitive pad under the concrete that automatically opened the gate when a car rolled up. I don't remember any of this. Somehow, I climbed back over the fence and made it back to the house, just in time to get patched up by my on-again off-again sort-of girlfriend. I was bleeding profusely from my right arm and leg, and when she asked what had happened, Keith's best response was, "Oh, he, um... fell down the front steps." He's almost as dumb as I am.
A concussion, broken wrist, and several severe abrasions later, I learned my lesson: when a girl invites you to get naked with her, do it then—don't wait until 4 hours later. You might wind up punching the concrete with your face.
And a valuable lesson it is.
So it's junior year of high school, and my at-the-time girlfriend and I were going to hang out. We couldn't go to either of our places, because the parents were home, and we wanted some alone time, so we drive my car to the local park and park it there.
At that point, it was around 10 pm, and the hooking up commenced. She starts going down on me for the first time (we'd just started dating, and I was a total pussy in high school), and it also happened to be my first ever bj.
After about a minute and a half, we see the lights of another car approaching us in the parking lot. I quickly put my pants on before it pulls up a couple feet away, then we try to pull the Jurassic Park "if you don't move they can't see you" trick. Sadly, this doesn't work, as a flashlight shines in my car window and we hear a "Get the hell out of the car".
Oh shit, it's the cops. We get out, her wearing just pants and a bra, and me wearing just shorts, looking like a redneck straight outta COPS. They go good cop/bad cop on us, one yelling at us for being in the park after it was closed and searching my car for drugs, while the other just smirked and told me, "You kids are fine, I can tell by the amount of steam on the window you were just fooling around". My girlfriend is absolutely mortified, staring at the ground and saying nothing. I was more pissed by the ruining of a perfectly good blowjob then the fact I was getting yelled at by a dick cop. They eventually send us on our way, and I drop my girlfriend off at her place and go home. As I expected, I didn't get another blowjob for like 3 months after that. Fuck the po-lice.
That is awful. I wanna go Body Count on those cops right now, I tell you. Even the cops in House Party weren't that evil. FREEZE, NEGROES!
So my senior year of high school I'm working at a restaurant that I've been at for a while. I have the night shift on a Friday. Despite being a greasy burger joint a couple of really really cute girls worked there. So on this shift it's myself, two cute girls, we'll call them Nikki and Haley, and this guy who is as close to being retarded w/o actually being retarded as is humanly possible, we'll call him Mongo. Despite having almost no game whatsoever, I had actually hooked up with both of the girls working before. It was never a big deal, just fun drunken high school hook ups, and the three of us were decent friends. Either way it was probably the largest gathering of girls I'd ever hooked up with at the same time ever. So we get to talking about what's going on after work. Neither myself or Haley know of anything fun, but we both want to get drunk. Nikki tells us about some older guy's 21st birthday party going on that night, and says we could probably go. We're all 17 and 18, that sounds awesome. I don't say anything, but deep down I know at some point Mongo is going to overhear our conversation and ask if he can go to the party. I don't dislike Mongo, he's a really nice guy, but I didn't want to hang out with him. Unfortunately he does overhear our plans.
This by no means ruined my night (or so I thought at the time), but Mongo asks what we're talking about and the girls tell him. He asks if he can go, they say yes. Before they can even get that "yes" out, he offers to drive, as if to help cement his bid to go to the party (these girls are really nice, no way they say no anyway). So now all four of us are going to this party, Me, Mongo, Nikki, and Haley, and we have a sober ride! Woohoo! After work we go home and change and Mongo picks us up about a half hour later. In that time, another cute girl that works at the restaurant (probably the hottest of all of them), Lisa, has called Haley to see what her plans were. Now Lisa is coming to the party as well. Sweet, me and three hot girls are gonna hang out tonight. The kicker is, I had hooked up with Lisa in the past too. So now, three girls (out of probably like 6 total) that I had hooked up with were about to be getting drunk with me. I liked where the night was heading, I was pretty sure, no matter what, I was gonna get on one of them.
We get to the house the party is at. There are about ten people (9 of which are guys), and other than Nikki, the entire group knows no one there. Being 18 I didn't realize it, but this was probably the lamest 21st birthday party ever. The five of us make our way into the kitchen to grab a beer, the fridge is stocked to the brim with Coors Light. We proceed to get wasted. Deciding that we were cooler than everyone else at the party we stayed in the kitchen the entire time sitting around the breakfast table, downing beer and playing Never Have I Ever. Since drinking was still a novelty everyone is having a good time, even Mongo, who is sitting at the corner of the table giving his Mongo grin and laughing, sometimes at jokes, sometimes at nothing.
After a decent amount of drinking Lisa needs to go outside for a smoke. I decide I'll join her. We start talking. Lisa is the hottest of the three and I really wanted to hook up with her. Being drunk I overlook the fact that I have no game and just decide to be bold and go for it. Pretty soon, by some miracle, we start making out. I guess we were missed though because the girls sent Mongo to go look for us. He walked outside and found us, giggled, said "What are you guys doing?" and then stood there, staring. So we stop making out and go back inside. Since it was Mongo that found us, and probably DIDN'T know what we were doing, Haley and Nikki were clueless as to what was going on.
We drink more. We get drunker. This is where the night gets a little hazy. I remember that we pretty much finished off that fridge full of beer. The guys in the other room seriously had to be wondering who the fuck we were and why we were drinking all of their booze, but we were high school kids, so we didn't give a fuck. After more drinking now I'm outside smoking with Haley. Haley is definitely the most aggressive one of the group. Since both of us are wasted it doesn't take long for Haley to deduce that I'm the only kind of normal guy at the house and that she's drunk and wants to hook up with someone. So Haley grabs me and we start making out. We finish our cigarette/make out session and head back inside. Again, things are hazy. But about thirty minutes later, Haley and Lisa go outside to smoke, and Mongo follows them for no apparent reason. Now Nikki and myself are alone. Nikki wants me to go to a room. We do, we start making out.
Lisa finishes her cigarette first, comes inside, sees that no one is in the kitchen, and presumably asks the other guys at the party where her friends are. They point her to the room me and Nikki are in. Lisa comes in to find me and Nikki making out. Again, I'm really drunk, things are hazy. I have no idea what I said to Lisa to get her to say in that room, I probably blacked out like Will Ferrell debating in "Old School", but whatever I said worked and she joined in on the make out. I'm making out and heavily petting two really hot girls. Awesome, this is amazing. I am riding this train as far as it will go, if you're a guy like me, you don't get a lot of these chances, hell this was probably my only chance ever (to date that is true, unfortunately).
This glorious hook up continues for about a minute or so when the door opens again. This time it's Haley. Haley pretty much hops right in. It's me and three hot girls, making out hardcore. I don't even have time to think about how unfathomable this is, I just know I have to move bravely forward. At this point I'm just following my instincts and hoping I make the right moves. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I can't accommodate all three girls at once. Fortunately these girls are resourceful. Whoever isn't making out with me, is making out with each other. So I'd be with Lisa, Haley and Nikki make out, and so on and so forth. This continues for what seems like a heavenly eternity. Things are getting more hardcore, we're all grabbing under shirt, etc. And although they're making out with each other too, the girls all preferred to make out with me, and would push each other off of me to get their turn. I have no idea how this is happening. It's like a bad softcore porno. It's glorious.
Meanwhile, obviously I don't know for sure what's going on, but I like to imagine that Mongo had come back inside to discover all his friends were missing, and sat down at the breakfast table loyally awaiting their return. He probably sat there, for about ten or fifteen minutes before one of the other guys found him, told him where we were, and pointed him to our glorious love room. Mongo probably giggled in gratitude and headed towards the room.
As I have Nikki on top of me and Lisa and Haley making out pretty hardcore, the door slowly opens. I notice immediately. As the door slowly swung on it's hinges Mongo's hulking body appeared in the frame, a grin from ear to ear, happy to see his long lost friends. I don't know if what Mongo saw actually registered, hell it barely registered with me. But it did illicit a loud gawking reaction from the confused simpleton. He yelped something along the lines of "HUH HUH HUH! GARWSH!".
Suddenly, everything stopped. For whatever reason, the sight of Mongo was completely sobering to the girls. They all simultaneously came to the realization of what was going on. As I saw these looks come over their faces I thought maybe if I get Mongo out of the room quickly things could resume. I shot Mongo a look that any normal person would have realized meant "If you leave now I'll give you a million dollars, if you don't I'll murder you and eat your soul". Mongo just stared back. Lisa was the first to get up and run out of the room, then Nikki, then Haley. As quickly as it had come, it had gone. Three girls were all over me and each other, through some miracle. All gone in a flash. We didn't stay at the party long. Mongo drove us all home, completely unaware at what he had just done. He might as well have ruined a dying child's "Make a Wish" request.
Things weren't awkward the next day, except that I now despised Mongo, we were all still friends, but this was never spoken of again. I'm actually still very good friends with Haley, who to this day says she doesn't remember what happened. Maybe she doesn't, I doubt three non black out drunk girls would have done what some how almost happened in that room, especially with me. I'm not hideous but definitely not lesbo action foursome worthy. I'm not Ben Roethlesberger. To this day I wonder what could have been...
Mongo only cockblocker in game of life.