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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Cowboys are so dreadful maybe Dak Prescott shouldn't want to come back

Andy Dalton and the Boys are a complete mess.
Andy Dalton and the Boys are a complete mess.
Image: (AP)

We had thought that Dak Prescott’s ankle crumbled under his weight and that of his tackler last Sunday. What we found out last night was it actually collapsed under the weight of carrying this wagon train of manure that’s known as the Dallas Cowboys.

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Whatever aspect of the Cowboys you want to point to, you’ll find sludge that a vinegar bomb would throw up its hands at and slink away from in failure. They gave up over 7.0 yards per rush, as their front five was consistently blown off the line as if hit by the tornado that killed Superman’s dad. They didn’t average 4.0 yards per carry, no matter how many tattoos the fumbling Ezekiel Elliot wants to show off. Maybe the spoon on his ink should be changed to a wooden one. Andy Dalton was throwing the football to various open spaces or straight at red jerseys like an octopus looking the wrong way. That is when he wasn’t being knocked on his ginger ass, which the vaunted Cowboys offensive line that Jerry Jones talks about while popping Viagra allowed on the reg.

Upon their first week without Dak, his price tag just went up to “ownership.” Although wherever he was watching, he might wonder why he’d ever bother to suit up for this ultimate vanity project for a Skeletor cousin again. Who needs this shit?

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Every year the Cowboys are hyped as much or more than any other team, and every year they basically serve up a steaming pile of mediocrity that they can only pray Prescott can dress in a way to fool themselves first, and everyone else second. This is where players go to finish out their careers in extremely loud anonymity, as silly as that sounds. Remember when Amari Cooper was a major weapon on the Raiders and seen as the 174th “final piece” for the Cowboys? He might as well play in flip-flops now.

You know who has as many playoff-round wins as the Cowboys this decade? The Mets. And one of Dallas’ playoff wins is against the Lions, so really, who gives a fuck?

The Cowboys once again vomiting up most of their large intestine on a national stage means that no one in the NFC East is within two games of .500. The Cowboys still lead because the other three teams eat paint chips, and someone from this collection of things you find behind the toilet is going to make the playoffs and host a playoff game! At this point we should root for a 6-10 playoff team, because we’re likely to get it, and it’ll perfectly illustrate the meaningless of everything.

A perfect metaphor for Texas these Cowboys are. A dumbass and unwieldy collection of stupidity that the rest of us have to drag around and put up with simply because they bellow the loudest while they continue to poison our air with numerous kinds of noxious gas, figuratively or literally. If Goodell had half of a brain he’d fake positive tests for the whole division and cancel all of their seasons.

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They wouldn’t be missed.


A special word for the limited number of fans who, I assume, grabbed their crotch upon entering Jerry World as a sign of rebellion against a pandemic they don’t understand so they could watch their team get their dicks kicked in by the Arizona Cardinals. When historians in centuries to come want to highlight how America fell and became the destitute hellscape out of Mad Max, they’ll use footage of Cowboys fans watching this dreck from the stands.

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The Dodgers announced that Clayton Kershaw indeed will start Game 1 of the World Series, which got the nation’s take machines whirring in anticipation of cranking out more brilliance no matter what he does Tuesday night.

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Kershaw’s World Series history is spotty like the rest of his playoff resume. He dominated the Astros in Game 1 of 2017, but then was lit up when he had to deal with the buzzer and trash cans and wires in Houston in Game 5. He returned in Game 7 to throw four scoreless innings in relief, but by that point the horse had definitely left the barn. The 2018 Classic saw him get clobbered by the Red Sox twice, but that’s the kind of thing that Red Sox team did. If you think that’s impressive and something Boston fans enjoyed, just look at all the money the Red Sox are saving now!

If Kershaw has a good start, it won’t “validate” his career. If he doesn’t, it doesn’t undo all that he’s been. But that’s what everyone is loading up. Kershaw is aging, and the odometer is high, and he doesn’t tear through lineups like he used to. His last start was colored by Dave Roberts treating him not like he is now, but as his idol. Hopefully this time around, Kershaw’s fortunes will be determined by Kershaw alone, and not by how Roberts breaks him.

Have you ever looked at a dollar bill, man?

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