Cristiano Ronaldo Has A Great Time Getting Felt Up On Japanese TV

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They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Apparently the aphorism applies a little differently to cyborgs. New evidence shows that a finger or five on Cristiano Ronaldo’s laser-cut abs turns him into a giggling schoolborg who will love you forever.

The latest stop in the Summer of Ronaldo is Japan, where he looks to extend his brand’s reach by giving the locals there an even more direct connection to his humanoid self than yesterday’s bizarre and hilarious commercial. (It’s likely no coincidence he’s over there now, just a week after selling his image rights to Singaporean billionaire and rival La Liga team owner Peter Lim.) As one does when in Japan, he appeared as a guest on one of those 35-member Japanese talk shows, where despite the language barrier, he had a blast.

Ronaldo spent most of his time on set sheepishly chuckling at the comments and clips directed at him, but there was some good action along the way. Up top, you can see how pleased he is at the wonder his abs inspire in those around him. Who knew Ronnie was so ticklish?


At another point, the Portuguese winger demonstrates to his audience exactly how he was able to develop those 6-8 bad boys below his ribcage (not counting the totally legitimate and in no way fraudulent muscle-tweaking thingy he’s ostensibly shilling for, of course):


When he’s done, one of the other presenters who wasn’t able to cop a feel earlier is overcome with desire and drops over to lay her hands on his abs. Which elicits another wide grin.

A challenger emerges, however, who steps up with his own undulating stomach area framed by lettered undies. The two engage in an impromptu ab-off:

A sly smirk plays on Ronaldo’s lips, as his inner self does a little fist pump and says “Heh, still undefeated.”

At another point in the day, Ronaldo unveiled a life-sized, synthetic version of his very own Corporeal Unit on stage. So dedicated he was to the dummy’s realism, he even made sure the hair was coiffed just so with a loving whisk of the finger:


That CR7 edition, differing only from the one we’re familiar with in its state of suspended animation, will remain in Japan for the tactile pleasures of even more awed Japanese women:


The bot with its sad eyes proves that all the attention from beautiful women is for naught if the scientists won’t activate you so you can grin and coo in delight.

Ronaldo should delight in the perks of his unnaturally flawless exoskeleton to the fullest extent for as long as he has them. It’s too bad he won’t live, but then again, who does?