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Crucial Relationship Advice Spoken Drunkenly To Teenagers: Cheat On All Your Girlfriends

I went to a bachelor party this weekend in a seaside town. There was eating, and drinking, and a failed attempt to get two Polish Food Lion clerkettes to come over and massage the groom.

This particular beach allowed you to build fires. And lemme tell you something. If I'm drunk and stoned and someone tells me I'm legally allowed to burn shit on a beach, THEN I AM BURNING SHIT ON A BEACH.


So we grabbed a bunch of wood, a case of beer, and went over to the beach. This was around midnight or so. We get to the beach, arrange the wood, spray the wood with lighter fluid, and then set it on fire. BOOSH! FIAHHHHHH! SMOKE SHE IS ARISING!

Then the fire quickly died, and we spent an hour arguing with one another about how best to get the fire restarted. It is unwise to have eight drunken men over 30 start a fire together. Everyone wants to be the goddamn firestarter, TERRIFIC FIAHSTARTAH! So then you get everyone bitching at each other about how much lighter fluid to deploy (we used the whole can), what makes for proper tinder, and how best to arrange the logs to allow oxygen to permeate the center. None of us succeeded in getting the fire to last. It was so fucking pathetic.

Just as we were prepared to give up on the thing, two seventeen-year-old kids materialized from the darkness. One of them had a West Virginia shirt on.

Kid 1: Y'all need help startin' a fire?



So we let the two kids rearrange the fire. Turns out, blowing on the fire helps. Who knew? As a reward for helping, we let the kids have all the beer of ours they wanted. We would have done this anyway. I never miss out on the chance to contribute to the delinquency of a minor. We got to know these kids. Kinda. I don't remember their names. I think one was named Virgil. Probably not. Anyway, these kids were already drunk and high on bathtub OxyContin and they were fucking AWESOME.

Kid 2: I've been wasted every night for, like, the past three months y'all.


Then we found out both kids had stepfathers who were our age (early 30's), which made us all feel spectacularly old and shitty. That prompted this exchange.


Kid 2: Your mom is fucking hot, yo.

Kid 1: Your mom is fucking hot too, yo.

My Friend Jeremy: What would happen if you guys found out you banged each other's mothers?


Kid 2: We'd probably high five, bro.

Kid 1: I'd high five you, too!

Then they high fived. It was like magic.

Anyway, all of us took turns telling these kids what they should do with the rest of their lives. (We all agreed they should bang each other's moms immediately) Because that's what you do when you're old and married and have kids. You have no life, so you feel compelled to give direction to those who DO have lives. So one of the guys in the party offered this piece of advice to them. I cannot emphasize enough that I was not the person to tell them this. I am simply the messenger.


Guy: Let me tell you guys the most important piece of life advice ever. CHEAT ON ALL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. Cheat on them every chance you can. Because one day, you'll be married, and you'll look back one that one shitty girlfriend you had, and you'll think to yourself, "Why the FUCK didn't I cheat on her more?" Don't waste opportunities to cheat on horrible, soon-to-be ex-girlfriends.

I immediately flashed back to my ex-girlfriend, who was awful. Indeed, I did have a chance to cheat on her. Perhaps many, had I applied myself. And I didn't! SO DUMB!


The two kids from West Virginia looked at the guy after he dispensed this piece of sage advice, and spoke thusly.

Kid 2: Dude, I cheat on my girlfriend all the time, bro.

Kid 1: I cheated on my girlfriend last night! WITH YOUR MOM!

Then they high-fived again. Do not underestimate the wisdom of young Appalachian rednecks, gang.

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