Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

In what must be a classic example of taking your problems out on the wrong people, former Manchester United manager David Moyes is accused of assaulting a man at a bar last night.

According to police, Moyes and a 23 year old man got in a fight at a Clitheroe wine bar. (A wine bar!) While details of the fight aren't readily available, that won't stop us from speculating about how things went down: "Oh shit, you're David Moyes!" "Yes, nice to meet you." "Wow, David Moyes at my local wine bar. I have so many questions! Why didn't you play Januzaj more? Are you too dense to notice your best player?" "You know, I'm just trying to enjoy my moscato here." "But Rooney had a great year and you couldn't even finish higher than Everton?" "Like I said, leave me alone." "So do you just not like attacking football or do you not know how to coach it?" "This is your last warning. Stop talking to me!" "Jeez, you would think Sir Alex would be smart enough to pick a successor who"—[punches thrown].


That's my best guess, at least.


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