Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Dead Letters: "You Snide Little Prick Sitting Up On 3 Phone Books In Your Swivel Chair As You Snort Coke And Giggle"

Illustration for article titled Dead Letters: You Snide Little Prick Sitting Up On 3 Phone Books In Your Swivel Chair As You Snort Coke And Giggle
Dead LettersWelcome to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite reader mail. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors and writers are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: Craggs

From: Noah J.
To: The Staff

You are such a prick—your little snide “Well recall it fondly!” bullshit. On one hand, Deadspin is doing really great journalism that prides itself on solid reporting, journalistic ethics, and on the other hand, you have captain Tommy Snarkface with his blatant disregard for ethics. When someone asks to withdraw a submission, you withdraw the submission. You don’t print it in Dead Letters and call it a wash—-you withdraw it because for whatever reason, that person was not comfortable with being identified as the Dong Bush Guy, and he respectfully requested that it not be publised. Yes, you retracted his name, but he retracted the content. So no, you’re not going to get sued, Tommy, but you are an asshole for doing that. Do you really think people respect you for your snide little note like, “haha, I printed the sucker’s dong photo anyway!” No, we see you for what you are, a snide little prick sitting up on 3 phone books in your swivel chair as you snort coke and giggle at your unchecked power to publish reader-submitted phallic shrubbery photos that folks kindly requested to not be published.

Pick one—a good sports writer—or the “I stole your lunch money” post-childhood inferiority complex ridden tabloid prankster that too often shows up when your crack addled self lets loose under Deadspin’s fine banner.

From: Tommy Craggs
To: Noah J.

Dude. Chill:

From: [Redacted]
To: The Staff
[Redacted] would like to recall the message, “Bush Dong”.

From: Tommy Craggs
To: [Redacted]

Ah, yes. We’ll recall it fondly!

From: [Redacted]
To: Tommy Craggs

Ha! If you could just not mention the name of the company on there that would be great.

From: Tommy Craggs
To: [Redacted]

Yeah, no problem, [Redacted].

From: Noah J.
To: Tommy Craggs

You’re right. Sorry.

Subject: On top?

From: Noah J.
To: Erik Malinowski

Why does Mike Leach have to come out on top? Yes, it’s sports—there’s supposed to be winners and losers. But in all honestly, both are assholes.

Yes, CJ is a giant douche who I hope I never see on television ever again.

But Mike Leach did treat Craig’s son like a diseased cow, putting him in that shed like that, with all the medical doctors testifying that it was not right. I’ve gone back on all your coverage of the situation and Mike Leach seems to come out like some cult hero , because of CJ’s douchiness.

Why can’t you deem both of them unfit for public consumption?

Subject: Deadspin-Jezebel Question

From: Snickerr36
To: The Staff, Jack Dickey

How hot are the chicks at Jezebel? Are there any routine hook-ups between writers?

I get the feeling most struggle with their weight and image.

Very curious,

[Ed: We consulted Jezebel for their official statement. They said, “We have a moratorium on hooking up with Deadspin guys until they get their weight and body image issues under control.”]


Subject: Islanders in the Stanley Cup Finals”

From: rbrigantic
To: Tim Burke

You write: “I mean, who could even fathom the Islanders being in the Stanley Cup Finals?”

I don’t know, Timmy, maybe those of us who watched the Islanders get to the Stanley Cup semi-finals 9 times in 10 years, get to the Finals 5 years in a row, win 4 Stanley Cups in a row and 19 straight playoff series. Yes, Timmy, maybe WE “can fathom the Islanders being in the Stanley Cup Finals.”


Subject: Law School to Right Choice!

From: MDiMartino
To: Jack Dickey

I have to believe that the author of this story does not understand Pro Football. I’ve never played organized football in my life but I know enough to say that Sweat made the right call deciding for Law School.

1) Do you know who becomes Undrafted Free Agents? Everybody!!!

2) Did you know the average career of an NFL athlete is about 3 years!

3) Did you know that most undrafted free agents never make their NFL team and rot on practice squads for 2-3 years before quitting!

4) By the way, what is the average salary for a practice squad player? I’m sure they can moonlight as bouncers or cashiers.

5) Did you know that Sweat had 72 tackles last year on a mediocre OSU team. Did you know that every Div 1 team has at least 5-7 players with 60-70 tackles? Do you know how many Div 1 teams here are?

6) Also, next April there will be hundreds of more Undrafted free agents just like Sweat in addition to the hundreds of drafted players above him!

Where would you want your son to be as a 26 year old? Having a Law Degree and pursuing a job or washed up in the NFL with a beat up body and poor outlook on the prospects of any career in this country?

Dude, do you even have kids??


Reality Dad


From: Ty Cobb
To: Barry Petchesky

Do you have Selig’s e-mail address?
I’d like to send him a message.

T Cobb

Subject: The kindgergartner fight

From: Ted Progar
To: Brian Hickey

Long-time blog reader, first time e-mail sender

I generally have no problem with your Tuesday night fight blog posting (just drunks and idiots duking it out). But the kindergartner fight really bothered me. Taking a knock out blow at that age cannot anything but horrible for the developing brain. And the absolute scumbags who are filming and encouraging the “fight” got exactly what they wanted by your posting the video on deadspin. I worry that the increase in viewership you give them will only encourage them to start more of these fights.

Maybe I’m over reacting, I don’t know. But that was the first time one of the fights you posted really bugged me.

Beyond that, I love your work. Your story is a amazing and I truly admire you.

Thank you,


Subject: Re: The AP is gay for stupid

From: John Anderson
To: Tommy Craggs


I’m sorry - this is a shitty piece of writing. You make a knee jerk assumption that Peter Wolfgang is a “dime-a-dozen bigot” based on probably very little research (God forbid you actually reach out to him!)... and why - because he has the audacity to defend traditional values? That’s pretty fucking stupid and shallow of you. But okay, I get that - you wouldn’t be the first idiot writing a blog. The bigger problem is you take a totally benign quote from the guy who is making a solid and understandable point - that point being that if you want to be against the singling out of one group over their life choices or beliefs - fine. But you have to apply that evenly across the board to all beliefs - including those who espouse traditional views on life, marriage, morality, whatever. He is obviously talking about people just like you - who when confronted by the opposing view just throws a tantrum and flings out ad hominems with no desire to actually address the issue. You guys (yeah, I’m stereotyping now - GASP!) never want it both ways. You want people to assent to your personal world view but you have no desire to extend that same courtesy to anyone who believes something you do not.

I’m obviously not addressing the main point of your article which was a criticism of the AP for even including this obvious “bigot” in the article. I guess you were probably never taught that in the old days of traditional journalism (of which not a lot remains), the pieces weren’t written as propaganda advancing a single viewpoint, but rather actually tried to examine an issue from multiple sides. You are obviously so myopic on this issue that the mere act of getting an opposing view point sends you into a tantrum that begets a blog post.

Your argument (and the arguments of many liberals I know that are incapable of using facts or evidence to backup their viewpoint) that the opposing side is wrong because they’re all just bigots purely because they espouse this belief is silly and sad. You know - it wouldn’t hurt for you to go out in the world and actually make friends and spend time with people who have different beliefs than you. You’ll get more out of life, learn that for as long as we inhabit the earth there will be these major differences and that you can just learn to get along, and wouldn’t be sent into silly diatribes as regularly as you probably are.


Dead Tweets

Share This Story

Get our newsletter