Angels' Francisco Arcia Makes Baseball History In Demoralizing Ass-Whupping

History was made in Thursday afternoon’s Angels-Athletics game. Surprisingly, it was not made by the Athletics, who beat the absolute shit out of the Angels by the football score of 21–3. No, it was made by Francisco Arcia of the Angels, who became the first MLB player ever to pitch, catch, and smoke a dong in the same game.

The Athletics have been on an insane tear, compiling a major league-best 58-25 record since mid-June. Thursday they scored 21 runs on 22 hits and seven walks, and had an 11-run lead by the top of the fifth inning. It’s a testament to how consistently terrific the Astros have been that the Athletics are still jockeying for Wild Card positioning with the Yankees.

But enough about those guys. It seems impossible that a player could do something for the first time in baseball history in the year 2018, and Arcia really earned this, in as much as anything achieved on the losing side of an 18-run loss can be said to have been earned. He started his game behind the plate, and mopped up the last two full innings of the game as a pitcher, where he performed only as poorly as four other Angels pitchers who took the mound in the game. His historic blast—the only part of this record that wasn’t determined for him by Mike Scioscia—didn’t come until the top of the ninth inning. It took his team having their asses ripped off and handed to them, but at least Arcia didn’t back his way into the record. He smashed his way in with a mighty dinger.

So how did Arcia feel about setting a new baseball first? About as happy as a man can feel when his team absorbs its worst loss in franchise history:

Informed by the Angels of his feat, Arcia said, “I’m pretty happy, I guess.”