We got an all-blueblood Final Four. I know we enjoyed Saint Peter’s, but as happy as I am for Shaheen Holloway’s new contract — of course this is yet another example of a college coach capitalizing off of his hard-playing talent for a much better job, but the Peacocks pull their home bleachers out of a wall — Saturday is better because they’re all gone. Duke vs. North Carolina in the semis in Mike Krzyzewski’s last strut, Peacocks, your gift basket is to the left.
While our tournament also had its share of surprises, a dog was voted into the regional finals, the voters united to do the right thing in the end, even if it meant that the least entertaining basketball character in the history of pictures that move and talk, made the Final Four. In one matchup, Hoosier’s Jimmy Chitwood will be going up against White Men Can’t Jump’s Sidney Deane, and the other features Billy Hoyle, of the same movie, against a star athlete with a name that was inspired by the silky handle and jump shot of Earl the Pearl Monroe aka Black Jesus — or as the film notes just Jesus — He Got Game’s Jesus Shuttlesworth.
It was time for Uncle Drew and his sweatpants, Jackie Moon and his shady promotions, Air Bud and his gross dog slobber, and the human construction crane, Neon Boudeaux, to leave the final rounds to the legends. The best are here, and it’s time for the Kumate to get real. It’s time for you, the good people who consume our content, to keep making your voices heard on the polls @Deadspin. In the Sweet 16, each matchup was voted on well over 1,000 times. Keep this up, and we’ll mail all of you some of those left over, Set it, and Forget its that have been collecting dust on a shipping container since 2003.
*DISCLAIMER: Deadspin has no authority to offer you those delightful cookers, even if we had the slightest clue where they were.