What’s the weirdest food your kids like? Mine (3, 6) will wolf down smoked salmon (lox). They would go through a 12 oz package in a sitting if I’d let them (stuff’s too expensive for those little snots).


Whoa hey, who says smoked salmon is weird? That’s my favorite food you’re talking about, amigo. Smoked salmon is my first food love, and always will be. Even my nine-year-old eats it, and he eats GARBAGE the rest of the time. I know the packaged stuff is expensive, so what I do instead is cure it myself. It’s relatively easy and yields a SHITLOAD more salmon than if you buy four ounces of Acme garbage from the grocery store for $6.99. Here’s the recipe!

1-1.5 lb. salmon filet, skin on

1 cup sugar

1/3 cup fine salt

1 tbsp dry dill

Splash of vodka

Okay, so mix the salt and sugar and dill in a bowl and test it with your finger to make sure it’s not INSANELY salty. I almost always end up adding a little extra sugar. Now, take a shallow dish and splash the vodka on the fish, making sure to take a swig for yourself because you earned it. TASTES LIKE DESPERATION! Then, rub the salt and sugar mix all over the fish, including the skin. Leave it skin-side up in the dish, cover it in plastic wrap, and weigh the fillet down with a heavy object to get the curing salts going if you like. Stick it in the fridge for two days. Then take the filet out, rinse it off, dry it with a paper towel, and PRESTO! You’ve got yourself a goddamn pound of tasty gravlax, and it’s all yours! I like to slice it myself, acting like a grumpy Zabar’s counter guy, before dropping entire sheets of it into my mouth. Again, I earned the right to do this.


Oh right, I didn’t answer your question. I think the weirdest thing I’ve seen my own kid eat is a plain lemon. My youngest kid asks me to slice up lemons and limes so he can eat them like orange wedges. It’s like he wants to grow up to be a Radiohead song.


How much would you pay to watch NFL games with fully unedited audio of players on the field? Have them either mic’d up or use long range mics to hear play calls, player/coach/ref/fan spats, and overall shit talking?


Fully unedited? Four dollars. That would sound like a goddamn mess. I don’t want to watch a football game and hear 22 grown men all grunting and pissing and yelling out jabberwocky play calls and screaming out LET’S GOOOOOOOOO for three hours straight. You vastly overestimate how interesting all that in-game banter is. Like, I NEVER watch the mic’d up segments of NFL highlights. They’re almost always boring. It’s just 30 minutes of Russ Wilson chirping “Let’s make some plays, guys!” at his teammates as they put finger pistols to their temples. All of those guys out on the field are busy and not all of them are clever.

I need a producer to cull that footage and edit it down to just the good parts. After the games are over, put on NFL CONFIDENTIAL and gimme a sizzle reel of racial epithets and death threats and teammates calling Tom Brady a fancy asswipe. THAT is the gold, and I’d like someone to pan for that gold for me. And that is why I am asking, once more, for an anonymous mole inside NFL Films to deliver all of that company’s B-roll to ME, Drew Magary, care of You know it’s the right thing to do. Together, we could have Roger Goddell shitting hot pepperoni for a MONTH.



If he wasn’t President, would Donald Trump have visited Melania while she was in the hospital?


Hell no. I can’t even imagine her wanting him there. I mean, think about what it would be like to have Donald Trump visit you in the hospital. Literally anyone else would be a greater comfort. Lou Holtz would be a greater comfort. Trump would just come barging in and accidentally trip on your feeding tube and cry out “MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING THEY LIKE A PRESIDENT WHO DOESN’T HAVE TO GO TO HOSPITALS,” and then chuck a roll of Mentos at your stoma before farting and hightailing it out of there. “Enjoy!” She doesn’t wanna be anywhere near him. She just wants to chill out in New York and fuck her personal trainer. Those two have an arrangement, and it served them well right up until the day he got elected. It’s a purely transactional marriage, and I’d almost respect the whole enterprise if that family wasn’t hellbent on motherfucking every last one of us.

By the way, the most plausible explanation that Melania went missing for nearly a month was because she is a SPY. That’s Occam’s Razor, folks. She was a Russian sleeper agent sent to marry Donald and help him become President. Only now she’s witnessed the full damage that her work has wrought upon the world, and so she has turned double agent, working for the very intelligence community that hates the President! Only she got CAUGHT, and now no one knows if they should cover it all up or jail her for high treason. WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO SEES THIS?!


[one 162-tweet rant later]




What’s your ranking for the teams that are ruining the image of their cities? I’m from Cincinnati and like to think we’re one of those cities people feel bad for because the Bengals have no championships and the Reds haven’t won since 1990. I haven’t run into any real Reds hatred, but I have to admit the Bengals are ruining it for Cincinnati on the whole and bringing down the average. I imagine the Indians are ruining it for Cleveland (Chief Wahoo), the Seahawks are ruining it for Seattle (c’mon), the Packers are ruining it for the state of Wisconsin (I’ve lived in Chicago for 8 years now), etc. Who is ruining it for the rest of their city’s teams?


You know that’s interesting, because usually I think about cases where the FANS ruin everything for a team, and not the other way around. Like, if I had to read one more goddamn take last month about “Hey, you’d really like this Celtics team if they weren’t the Celtics!” I would have gone on a grenade-throwing spree. Is Jayson Tatum a nice player? He is. Do I give a shit? I do not. Do I still hope that Ante Zizic and Cedi Osman take out the Achilles heel of every last Celtics fan alive, no matter how gosh darn charming that Brad Stevens fella is? I do.

But we’re talking about the inverse scenario here, which is a rarer phenomenon. This has to go beyond mere losing. It has to be a team that not only fails on the field, but is so hapless and pathetic off the field that their very existence is a stain upon the greater metropolitan area. That team, of course, is the Browns. When I think of Cleveland, I think 0-16. LeBron could beat Golden State on one leg and I would still think of that city as home to the shitass impostor Browns and their Jeff Speakman movie villain of an owner. If I could apologize to LeBron personally about this, I would. The Browns are a toilet.


The other clear answer is the Skins. There are plenty of awful Skins fans, but the organization itself is so genuinely despicable that they have brought GENERATIONS of shame to otherwise normal fans. I know the Bengals are deeply embarrassing and that many of their fans would rather be put on a sex offender registry than confess to liking that team. But at least everyone forgets about them during the offseason. You people have NOTHING on the Browns or Skins. The Skins are a clumsy white supremacist autocracy and the Browns are a raging tire fire all year round. Losing a lot of football games is the LEAST embarrassing thing they do. The Capitals are about to win the Stanley Cup and the moment will be RUINED the second Dan Snyder tries to mooch off some of the glory for himself.

By the way, honorable mention goes to nearly every New York sports team. They’re all so embarrassing, and in such specific ways! None of them say anything good about the city they represent. Like, the Giants are probably the best New York team to root for, and even then you gotta root for fucking Eli. I’d rather drown.



How many animals can you name? We set up some carefully decided on but simple rules: they have to be a different species (so brown bears and polar bears count as 2) and things like different breeds of dogs/cats don’t count (a bulldog and a poodle are way different, but they can still make babies so they’re genetically the same thing). I think I can top out over 500, but could I go even higher? Am I being too confident in my armchair zoologist skills?


[deep breath]

Bear, lion, dog, cat, giraffe, mouse, hamster, rat, eagle, shark, whale, human, iguana, kimodo dragon, ostrich, rhino, falcon, cardinal, the Lorax, tiger, fox, wolf, Tiamat, snake, gecko, frog, toad, trout, salmon, tuna, vulture, orc, goblin, groundhog, coyote, armadillo, ant, spider, cockroach, fly, mosquito, praying mantis, gorilla, megalodon, monkey, baboon, Big Bird, raccoon, Animal the muppet, squirrel, halibut, koala bear, wallaby, kangaroo, elephant, hippo, antelope, deer, gazelle, shrimp, lobster, crab, goat, sheep, Pegasus, chicken, cow, pig, turkey, pheasant, duck, goose, peacock, seagull, jellyfish, penguin, zombies, buffalo, partridge, pear tree, Kraken, dove, cheetah, panther, jaguar, bobcat, mountain lion, snuffaluffagus, Santa Claus, Medusa, earthworm, the Babadook … Did I miss any? I don’t think I missed any. That’s what, 100 animals? There you go. Only 100 animals in the world. Seems about right.


Email of the week!


Today I was having a normal day at work, which of course is alternating pretending to be productive and fucking around on the internet. At one point while I was scrolling through Twitter, I noticed something peculiar about my “Who To Follow” suggestions (see attached picture). It was a theologian and two brands - Cottonelle toilet paper and Pepto-Bismol. This was strange because I follow no religious accounts nor do I follow a single brand on any social media accounts. I then thought about how social media sites have recently really upped their game on targeted advertising which has been doing things like predicting women are pregnant with ads for maternal items before the mothers even knew they were pregnant. I joked to myself “maybe Twitter knows I’m going to need Jesus after some explosive shits.”

I swear to God Almighty: About 30 minutes after dinner tonight, which consisted of literally just meat and potatoes, I straight blow it out my ass. Hardcore, mud-of-lake diarrhea.

Drew, have the machines already won?

It’s the freakiest episode of Black Mirror yet!