Getting exercise is good, allegedly, and there are good and bad people who enjoy every form of exercise. Some forms of exercise, however, collect far more bad, obnoxious, horrible, insufferable people than others. These are those forms.
Can’t talk much or they’ll drown.
Pretty solid people at their core. (Sorry.)
Not really a thing.
Generally solitary and quiet-ish.
23. Kegel squeezers
I’m doing it right now.
21. Pure Barre
Very butt-focused but pretty chill about it.
‘90s glory days-ers.
Uncomfortable shoes + chalk + torn rotator cuffs = climbers
Dipshit broiness somewhat offset by surfing’s inherent coolness.
Something something prana something something ashtanga something Malkovich Malkovich.
16. Paddleboard yogis
As above but wet.
It’s just nice to see grandma out of her wheelchair.
14. Power walkers
Get out of the fucking bike lane.
13. MMA people
12. Regular gym people
Good at picking things up and then putting them down again. Excel at hamster wheels. Smell like crotch.
11. P90Xers / Insanity-ers / Jillian Michaelsitas
At least they’re annoying from the privacy of their own rumpus rooms.
Very whiny when injured. Are always injured.
Let me guess, you’re having so much fun you forget you’re working out? Please die.
8. Stand-up paddleboarders
Middle-aged hazards to themselves and others.
ON YOUR LEFT ON YOUR LEFT ON YOUR LEFT ON YOUR LEEEEFFFFFFFTTTT
As the joke goes, “How do you know if someone does triathlons? Give them 30 seconds, they’ll tell you.” (The same joke works for people who went to Harvard and who have tech startups.)
5. SoulCycle victims
Soul Cycle’s dark, dank, ear-bleedingly loud rooms prove, once and for all, that the Stockholm Syndrome is real.
4. Hot yogis
Heatstroke is not the same thing as nirvana, you slippery assholes.
3. Juice cleansers / master cleansers
This is not actually exercise, but people do it instead of exercise, languidly lying around with splitting headings, dropping a few pounds of water weight (that they will immediately gain back), making nonsensical claims about “detoxifying,” and spending hundreds of dollars on 20 bucks worth of fruit and veggies. Will claim it changed their lives. Their lives will never change.
Will not stop talking about how many steps they took that day. Jerking off will trick it into thinking you ran five miles. (I’ve tested this.) Just dig out your old Livestrong bracelet and make some shit up, okay?
The worst. The absolute worst. The worst of all time. They work out in something that is literally called a Box. Eight out of 10 things Crossfitters post on social media are humblebrags (or regular brags) featuring photo or video of world’s most boring feats of strength. They speak in indecipherable combinations of words and numbers (“Yo Chaz! I did the Psycho MooseSpritzer in 1:58 today, bro! BEAT THAT!”), and they lap up all the dumbest diet fads (hello, Bulletproof Coffee) like aggro-kittens to Muscle Milk. A dear friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, came to Aspen with me this winter for a snowboarding trip. He elected to do a half day of boarding, then took the whole next day off so he could do his workout in a Box, then only had energy for another half day on the slopes after that. In Aspen. One of the most beautiful places in the country. He’d rather be shut up in a box smelling the asscracks of other likeminded cult members. This epitomizes the Crossfitter mentality. These people are out of their minds.
What did I miss? Send responses to the hospital where I’ll be convalescing after being pummeled by a bunch of furious Crossfitters.
This is Gawker Media’s last week as an independent media operation, and while that shouldn’t affect you much one way or the other as a reader, we’re still going to take advantage of a pretext to run some especially fun and stupid posts.