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Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase five heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.

Oh, man. There's cockblocking aplenty in this week's batch of failed hookups. Let me just state, for the record, that I have never cockblocked anyone knowingly. One time, I walked in on my roommate when he was inside his girlfriend. But I was not aware that she was there nor that he was inside of her. I was just walking in to borrow his Lenny Kravitz CD (No one listened to "Heaven Help" more times than me junior year. I‘M READY FOR LOOOOVE). Yes, I used to listen to Lenny Kravitz. No, I have no viable explanation for it.

So I'll never understand why people would dare purposely interrupt a moment of sexiness. It just seems cruel and petty, especially when done by a male friend. Such a betrayal of trust. To your sad, sad tales…



My high school friends and I appropriated a corner of the basement of my parent's house, made it a private "club" with sheets of black plastic basically recreating a dorm room to do our drinking in. We called it "the bar". We even invited some neighborhood high school girls down into my parent's basement a few times. One girl in particular was really fun. She would make out with anyone after she had a few and she was fairly hot. That summer all four of us made out with her but nobody closed the deal.

Flash forward to New Years Eve of the same year. We are all back on xmas break and we get a party started and invite the same girls. Everything is getting sloppy (aged whiskey was involved) and the same chick is making out with my boy on the nasty couch we trash picked from my neighborhood. They are going at it, when he takes a step back, tells her to hold on a sec and promptly vomits all over the floor. He tried to continue his dalliance but alas, vomit is unsexy. My parents are upstairs watching the zombie version of Dick Clark announce the ball drop during this whole escapade.

The evening progresses we get more wasted, my parents grow more nervous. My friends begin to split up and try to sneak past my parents with high school girls in tow, only to get busted and sent to a private bedroom to pass out alone by my mom. All except me. I'm alone with the fun friend. It's going to happen. We start making out, I get her bra over her head (didn't know those things had clasps) and we start in. It's great, I'm banging a hot high school chick! Yes this is amazing. Then I hear the words that will haunt me for the rest of my life. "Get your dick out of that high school student and out of my basement." Mom had caught me in my biggest moment of my young life. She then sat in front of my open door all night to make sure I didn't escape and finish my fornicatin' . Needless to say that girl never came around again and "the bar" closed down for good. Years of Pyschotherapy were necessary to remove that memory from my subconscious.


See now, if it was MY son doing that, he would have gotten a star on his reward chart. TEN STICKERS GETS YOU ICE CREAM, KID.


One of my co-workers developed a crush on me but I was dating someone else at the time, another girl from our office (I know, don't date co-workers, yada yada...). My relationship eventually ended in a horrible manner and she quickly positioned herself as the shoulder to cry on/potential rebound. We hung out a few times after my breakup and flirted heavily but never crossed the work-friend zone. Well, one night, we both got hammered and eventually ended up back at her place. After some heavy 8th-grade petting, we eventually started making out and her hand eventually reached down to my zipper. I then took her shirt off and started undoing her bra. As my hands were cupping her breasts, she decided now was the perfect time to ask the following,

"Do you have feelings for me?"

Now a less drunk, more asshole guy would say, "yes," bust a nut and go about my way. But not me, I for some reason had to be honest. So I replied with the following,


She then took my hands off her boobs and pinned me down on her bed.

"I said, do you have feelings for me?"

"No, not right now."

You know that scene in "The Simpsons" where Bart pinpoints the exact moment where Ralph Wiggum's heart is broken? That's what she looked like when I told her that. "What do you mean not right now," she asked. "Well, we don't know each other that well and it takes time," I said for some reason. "Why do you ask?" That pissed her off and she started accusing me of not being over my ex (she was right!) and resisted when I tried shutting her up by making out with her again. But she eventually relented and I was hoping on getting things back on track until her phone rang and she decided to pick up.

It was some French guy that happened to be 5 minutes away with a bottle of vodka and was wondering if he could come by. In other words, she got a booty call while I was there. And inexplicably, she told him to come by.

"What the fuck?!" I said. "Why do you care," she snapped. Sure enough, he walks in within 10 minutes with a bottle of vodka, and he was scared shitless to see me. I thought that he could be scared away, but nope, he stayed. Frenchie even offered me vodka and I stupidly took it, so now I'm even more drunk. By then, I knew my chance was blown and offered to leave, but the guy said I'm too drunk and I shouldn't drive. How nice of him.

So I'm half-passed out in her bed and THEY eventually start making out. I asked again if I should go and they go, not if you can't drive. Eventually, he goes to the bathroom, and then my coworker starts saying things to hurt me. "I see your ex talking to other guys around the office." "I'm pretty sure she's hooking up with someone there." Shit like that. When the French guy comes back, they start making out again. After a while, she climbs on top of me and tells me to leave. "But I can't drive," I said. "I don't care, " she replies, "you have to go now." As I stumbled out, I decided to say, "Have fun you two," and she replied, "fuck you!" I then sat in my car and passed out until 6:30 in the morning. I realized when I woke up that I got a $75 parking ticket for parking in a permit-only zone. That pissed me off more than anything else that happened. Oh, and seeing her and my ex a few hours later at work.


Jesus, that's horrible. It's Henri: the guy who's going to steal your girlfriend!


My friend and I, let's call him James, used to frequent a local establishment in Iowa City. I won't give names but it's a fairly popular bar located in the downtown ped mall area where there are roughly 10 or so bars in a tightly packed area. Anyway, my buddy and I along with a couple of friends were there since about one in the afternoon on a Friday and we ran into a couple of girls he knew from one of his classes. Now James was always pretty good with the ladies, he was able to charm them without much effort on his part and this time was no different, he and one of the girls were hitting it off. I saw them exchanging grabs, rubs, kisses and other "signs of affection" throughout the night. So quite a few hours later, and well past the point of inebriation, my girlfriend gets off work and comes to pick us up so we don't have to walk home (it was middle of the winter in Iowa), James says he's good and immediately I give him a little grin to which he replies, "Oh, it's happening". Fair enough as I've said, he is pretty good with women.

So my girlfriend proceeds to pick me up and ask about James, I said he's got his own ride and off we go. I end up staying at her house and I am woken in the middle of the night by a phone call. It was James. I figured he was giving me another drunken conquest phone call to explain how it all went down. Which it was, kind of.

James goes on to tell me that after we left, things picked up with his new galpal and she was pretty eager to get busy. Not one to squander an opportunity, James convinces her to head into the bathroom to take things to the next level. Turns out she wasn't comfortable with the men's room so she offered the women's bathroom instead and James didn't argue, one bathroom was just as good as the other, right?

So they head on in and she proceeds to service him in one of the stalls. Well, apparently one of the girls in there heard the action and it didn't sit well with her, so she went out and told one of the bouncers. At this point, for whatever reason, they announced over the entire bar that "some guy was in the bathroom getting head and they were going to throw his ass out". Why they announced this over the entire bar I'll never know, but they did so all eyes were focused on the women's bathroom. At that point my buddy gets a little visit in the stall from a 6 foot 4 inch 240 lb bouncer who grabs him as is (pants around his ankles) and drags him outside the bathroom and leaves him standing there with his dick in his hand, literally. At this point the place erupts in laughter and my buddy scrambles out of the bar putting his pants back on and heading for the nearest cab.

The best part? I somehow talked him in to going back there next Friday.

Christ, that's even more painful than the last story. AND THE BOUNCER WAS FRENCH.



It was the second semester of my freshman year at CCSU. A girl in my sociology class that had been flirtatious with me and I decided to be partners for a project. We decided to meet at the library in the afternoon, which happened to be Valentines Day. What started off as harmless flirtation (she had a boyfriend and said it was his birthday & had plans for that night) quickly led to us agreeing to go back to her dorm room. Now she stayed in an area where 4 rooms shared a common area, living room setup. She had a roommate in her room but shared the quad w/6 other girls.

We go into her room and start making out & messing around with her door locked when all of a sudden her roommate knocked on the door and said that she needed something from the room and she unlocked the door and came in. We stopped and the girl asked her roommate to lock the door behind her. She left and we got back to business.

We had each other's clothes off and she was on top facing me and I was giving her the business when all of a sudden I looked over her shoulder & saw a guy in her room looking at us with rage in his eyes.

I tapped her and said who's that when he yelled "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!" and lunged at us.

I quickly pushed her off of me and grabbed him and put him in a basket hold using the training I received at work dealing with crazy teens. After about 2 min of him struggling to get out of my naked basket hold (I had no clothes on and a condom on) and me telling him calm down, let me put some clothes on and then we can fight.

She is in the room yelling for him to calm down and I'm telling him I had no idea she had a boyfriend. After like 7-10 min he agreed to calm down and I let him go, put my boxers on and grabbed as much of my clothes as I could and ran out of the room. I ended up forgetting my shoes there.

Did I mention that it was on Valentines Day which also happened to be this guy's birthday?? I don't know what's worse, walking in on a guy banging your girl on your bday or getting restrained by a naked guy wearing a condom for 10 min.


The latter. For certain.


When I was in college I had a long distance girlfriend. One particular weekend she visits me and I pick her up at the airport. We get back to my place where a decently sized party is taking place. My special lady friend and I mingle, we drink, we decide we need to have sex. We go up to my room and Round 1 goes well. Much to my delight, I discover she is over her aversion to blow jobs.


Pause right there. I don't know how wonderful a thing that is to discover. Hey, I suddenly looove giving blowjobs now! Thanks to SERGIO, my secret lover.

We even have a full discussion about it after fun time and I am psyched.

As the party is dying down downstairs we decide to go for Round 2. She starts going down on me again (holy shit, two blow jobs in a day, Yahtzee!) when all of the sudden one of my house mates, all 5'9" 215 lbs of him, throws open the door. I raise my head up in time to see him launch his naked body into the air and jump on the bed. Of course, he lands on her and she tries to scramble up my body as she holds on for dear life. There we are, all naked, in a pile and I am pretty sure I still have a boner. Silence. Then laughter. Then an unnecessarily long discussion about his rationale for his actions, which reasons were neither rational nor relevant here.

I kick my friend out of the room with a vague threat to end his life in the morning. Being a sexually deprived college kid, I try to get sexy time going again. It's not happening. This is when I learn that shockingly not everything in porn is true. Apparently, girls do not like it when a penis is abruptly and unexpectedly shoved down their throats. I learn this because my girlfriend informs me that blowies are again not her favorite thing. This rapid change of heart is due to the fact that when my friend took his naked leap an incredible amount of force was placed on her head and my guy went further down her throat than she anticipated and stayed there longer than she preferred. It was probably the first and last time she was glad I was not blessed with an enormous wang.

Sex was off for that night and, despite my best efforts, the rest of the weekend. Five more weeks of not doing it. More disappointing was the fact that on the very day my girlfriend decides blow jobs are fun my fat friend jumped on me while he was naked and prevented me from getting a good blow job for TWO years while she got over the trauma of that night. Dick.


I believe that move is called the Fat Hammer.