Fuck You, "You Sexy Thing"

There were a lot of shitty Super Bowl ads last night. Spending $4 million on an ad means that most companies and ad agencies are too scared to allow one person to have a single vision of what the ad should be, and thus you get a 30 second gangbang of styles of tones and terrible jokes and unwanted celebrity cameos. But there was one ad I hated more than the rest, and this was it.

This had everything I hate in an ad: trucks, 'Merica, "A man...," tired jokes about bullfucking, and "You Sexy Thing."

It's 2014 and advertisers and movie producers are STILL using this goddamn song as a punchline. When you hear "You Sexy Thing," you know that you are about to see something unsexy on the screen because IRONY. Look, it's a fat guy stripping! And over there, it's two dogs humping! Let's cue up some Hot Chocolate to really drive the comedy home! If Adam Sandler could use this song on an 88-minute loop for one of his movies, he would. He probably has. It's a fucking terrible song and people have used it 5,000 times to tell the same joke. I wanna meet the music supervisor who is like, "Boy, this scene of a woman with a five-pound mole on her cheek really needs some punching up. GET ME 'YOU SEXY THING.' That'll make it fresh!"

I know that licensing music is complicated and expensive. I'm sure every producer goes into a movie or an ad with a wet dream playlist that includes all kinds of cool hip shit from Lupe Fiasco and Wavves and whoever else, only to find out they can't afford those songs. But there's gotta be a better fallback option than this. There are billions of songs out in the universe and yet "You Sexy Thing" and "I Feel Good" and "Spirit in the Sky" get used over and over and over again. They need to be formally retired. They need to create a Song Nursing Home where "You Sexy Thing" can go and wither. Because it's the worst. It wasn't even good to begin with. Find new music, American car makers.