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Funbag Bonus: Did The Chilean Miners Masturbate?

Illustration for article titled Funbag Bonus: Did The Chilean Miners Masturbate?
FunbagTime for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag.

The Chilean miners were all rescued, free now to breathe in air and have their medical benefits cut off three weeks from now. But screw that: Wuz they jackin' it?


America demands to know. And by America, I mean these three dudes:


Being trapped underground for so long, the Chilean miners must have designated a corner or cave nook for spanking it, right? I know they were distracted by being concerned with their survival and all, but after the first day or two that's a lot of built-up pressure to try to ignore. I bet that those 33 guys created an awfully big pile after 69 days.



Do you think any of those miners tossed beats while trapped in that mine? 33 guys down there for 2 months. Beats had to have been tossed, right?


Now that everyone is out safely, can we discuss how jerking off happened in the Chilean mine? I mean, 33 guys down there for 69 days, there obviously had to be a lot of jacking. When trapped in such a situation, what is the etiquette? How long are you expected to wait before giving into your throbbing biological urges? Or is the situation so unsexy that one would not even think about it?


Okay now, let's get into the logistical aspects of this question. Did the miners have enough space for a designated bathroom area? YES. From Yahoo Answers (I believe all Yahoo Answers):

There was a part of the tunnel that they designated as the bathroom area. The rescue workers sent down chemicals to prevent contamination.


Now, you got yourself a bathroom, ANY bathroom, and you got yourself a place to masturbate. That's just a fact. I could masturbate in a dollhouse bathroom, such is my poise and determination. These guys weren't all crammed together, with no designated place to take a shit. They had ROOM. And they're all shirtless in their pictures, so you know damn well they were generating some serious body heat. Medical science tells you that an increase in body heat results in a direct rise in self-gratification.*

(*Medical science does not tell you this. I don't even know that medical science is a proper term.)


Now, let's assume that some of those miners were super-religious guys who wouldn't dare pleasure themselves, particularly with other men present. These are religious people from Chile. It's not the same as religious people from America, who are all lying fucking hypocrites. Some of these people actually BELIEVE all that Jesus stuff. Still, I find it hard to believe many of the miners held out. You're trapped underground, and there's no guarantee you'll survive. You're going to resort to your basest instincts. Again, medical science tells us those instincts will lead you directly to churning the butter.*

(*See above.)

I bet the guys down there didn't even bother to hide their intentions when they went to the jerkin' tunnel. You're gonna die. May as well toss one out and have a good laugh about it. Shit, I'd even make a game of it. First one to stain the copper gets to leave first! I guarantee there were probably tandem jerks, a la the diving board scene in Y Tu Mama Tambien. Remember, we've already learned that all Domincan men are half-gay. Surely, that wildly inaccurate stereotype can be applied to these men as well.


Which leads us to the next question: Did any of the men trapped down there engage in the buttsecks? ADD THAT TO YOUR QUESTION LIST, OPRAH. I WANT TO KNOW IF ANY ASSMINING WAS DONE DOWN THERE.

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