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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Future Florida Man Luis Suárez Allegedly Cheated On Italian Citizenship Exam

‘Memba this? 2014 World Cup. Suárez bites Chiellini. He’s at it again.
‘Memba this? 2014 World Cup. Suárez bites Chiellini. He’s at it again.
Photo: Getty

Luis Suárez is destined to play for Inter Miami. It might not be happening now, even though there were reports of talks last month to make it happen, but the universe eventually needs Suárez to assume his final form as a Florida Man.

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In 2014, Suárez was thrown out of the World Cup for biting Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini, an incident made comical by Suárez’s immediate reaction that he’d hurt his mouth doing it, which was both an attempt to make it seem that Chiellini had actually hit him in the jaw, and his eventual defense that what the entire world had seen — Suárez lunging at the Italian, choppers first — hadn’t really happened.

When the Chiellini incident happened, Suárez already had a reputation as a serial biter, as well as a racist who’d thrown a slur at Manchester United’s Patrice Evra, then refused to shake Evra’s hand after completing his suspension for racial abuse.

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And what would a future Florida Man be without a little bit of tax fraud? Suárez reportedly funneled money from his image rights to an offshore haven in Panama from 2006-14 to avoid tax responsibilities in the Netherlands and England.

Now, on the way out at Barcelona, where he’s spent the last six years, Suárez has found a new way to get himself in trouble, allegedly cheating on an Italian language exam required to secure a passport ahead of a planned move to Juventus.

Shoutout to Italian journalist Tancredi Palmeri, who two weeks ago speculated on the “serenity” of the teacher, functionary, or commission responsible for proctoring Suarez’s exam, knowing that “a deal worth 30 million” depended on their approval.

 

Now, Palmeri has reported that this came to fruition, that “allegedly the test lasted 30 minutes while normally it lasts 2 hours,” and that Italian police wiretaps include the damning line, “They bomb us if he doesn’t get approved.”

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Suárez remains at Barcelona for now, as the move to Juventus fell apart, with Suárez reportedly preferring to stay in Spain with Atlético Madrid, but Barça wary of letting him go to a La Liga rival.

Miami is still here, though, and when it’s all said and done, would you really bet against a guy with a racist history who’s bitten several opponents, evaded taxes, and cheated on a citizenship test finding his way to Florida? It’s meant to be. Just let it happen.

Sorry to all the other Jesse Spectors for ruining your Google results.

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