Giant Shrieking Raven Occupies Levi's Stadium, All Is Lost

The entire Western seaboard is being evacuated today, after an NHL webcam captured what appears to be an enormous bird the size of a football field interrupting the rink construction for Saturday's Kings-Sharks game. It is too late for humanity; surely the black death shall devour us all. Should the coal-winged skydestroyer come for me, please tell my family I love them and tell Todd McLellan to stop jerking everyone around with this captaincy thing.