Gregg Easterbrook Puts The Final, Retarded Exclamation Point On Obama's Bracketology-Gate

Illustration for article titled Gregg Easterbrook Puts The Final, Retarded Exclamation Point On Obama's Bracketology-Gate

You only need to see the headline and the byline to know what you're in for with yesterday's breathtakingly pointless Easterbrook essay about President Obama filling out a March Madness bracket. Yes, some people are still actually debating this. BLACKIEHUSSEINBRACKETGATE! Let's dive in, shall we?


Here's the headline: Should presidents be overt sports fans?

Absolutely not. They should hide their love of sports, not unlike the way they hide their numerous affairs and assassination orders. It's simply unpresidential to like sports. Liking sports is for the masses: the filthy, disgusting, plebian masses who worship GLORY BOYS and beg Mike Wilbon for gossip any time he visits the White House, which is often. Because Mike knows the Prez A LITTLE BIT.

Monday night, President Barack Obama addressed the nation to explain his sudden decision to order U.S. forces to attack Libya. Some critics have asked why, if as the White House claims the president had no time to consult Congress before ordering the attack, he nevertheless had time to deliver his March Madness picks to ESPN, as he has done the previous two years.

And by "some critics," he of course means people who really don't like the president and will seize any opportunity to criticize him, even if the issue at hand is completely pointless and stupid. Now, I sympathize with these people, because I do this with Gregg Easterbrook all the time, because I hate him. I totally get why you'd do that if you hated the president. I admire that kind of passionate hate, regardless of its target. It's what really greases my engine.

Anyway, I can explain the president's actions here. The reason the president had time to fill out a bracket is because filling out a bracket TAKES THREE FUCKING SECONDS. You sit down. You pick teams at random, and then you're done. That's it. And Obama picked all the 1 seeds, so you know he barely looked at the fucking thing. He probably treated it like the USA Today College Football Coaches' Poll and had an assistant fill out most of it.

Is there any rational person in the universe who truly believes that the president sat there one day and was like, "I need to explain to Congress why I bombed the shit out of Libya. On the other hand, this bracket is due in an hour. PRIORITIES!" No. No, he didn't. The two things have nothing to do with one another. If the president had no time to consult Congress, then he's probably lying, or he wasn't lying and he decided the strikes had to occur in a short time frame. I have no earthly idea if I agree with that or not. I'm just saying, the bracket-filling didn't preclude the whole ignoring Congress thing.

The United Nations Security Council resolution being used to justify the attack on Libya was under consideration — and at least 10,000 were dead in Japan from one of history's worst earthquakes — just as the president was predicting who would make the Final Four.


And somewhere in there, the president also took a SHIT! A big, monster shit! Three loads! And he read an article in Juggs while he was doing it. I AM FUCKING DISGUSTED BY HIS LEADERSHIP.

Of course, if Obama paid no attention to the annual college basketball tournament, the situation in Japan would be just as horrible.


Oh, so you have no point. Well played.

But with a war about to begin and a natural disaster of historic proportions in progress, was it appropriate for the president to be fiddling around with brackets?


Again, it takes three seconds to fill out a bracket. If you really want to nail the president here, ask him why he also filled out a women's bracket, because that's a far more aggressive waste of time.

This raises the larger question…

An even STUPIDER question!

Should presidents succumb to America's national obsession with sports?…. Is presidential affection for athletics good for the country?


Holy shit, it's fucking irrelevant. If the president wasted time filling out a fucking bracket, you've wasted far more time trying to make a bigger issue out of this. Should the president like sports? What about movies? Or pineapple? Should the president really SUCCUMB to the juicy, delicious flavors of a Dole pineapple, or does that say something about our democracy that's been left long unsaid? If the president overtly likes pineapple, won't that end with six children being raped at a middle school? THINK ABOUT IT.

Certainly it has long standing…

And here's where Easterbrook tosses on his Doris Kearns Goodwin hat and tells you all kinds of sporty presidential facts you probably weren't aware of, because you are not a Brookings scholar, and you don't read books, and your sport coats lack the necessary elbow patches. Did you know Andrew Jackson fought cocks? Or that fat William Taft was the first president to throw out a first pitch on Opening Day? Greggggg Easterbrook did. He is a living encyclopedia of facts spouted out by pretentious know-it-all dipshits, and you'd best appreciate him before he dies and goes to Heaven and finally doesn't have to talk to Jews anymore.

Presidents like sports. Does this harm the country? No, so long as sports interest is kept in perspective.


Awesome point. I think Tremaine Billie also once made a similar point in his senior thesis. Are knives good? Yes, so long as you don't go stabbing people with them.

For the president, or anyone, to set aside a little time to watch, play or think about sports is a healthy diversion.


Which is what the president did when he filled out a completely half-assed bracket. So again, why the fuck are we still discussing this?

Some Americans become sports addicts, which is not good.

Seriously, this is a fucking sixth grader's paper. It may as well be written in crayon.

Devoting a little of each day to sports is relaxing.

Oh, thanks for that heads up, Mr. Secretary of Sports and Leisure.

As with all of life's pleasures, sports should be enjoyed in moderation.

Indeed. For to consume too much in one sitting would be horribly gluttonous. Oh, I remember when Thurston Whiteblackwell XVII once watched a football double header in front of everyone. It was repugnant. He exuded a slothfulness that upset everyone at Congressional that day. I wish his daughter, Priscilla, had not been there to witness the binge. The only thing any American should ever be addicted to is The Atlantic!

Considering the time Obama has spent on college basketball brackets and predictions, why has he been silent on the cynicism about education that afflicts this sport?


Because that's a much larger issue that requires ACTUAL time from him. Do you really think the time needed to fill out a bracket is equal to the amount of time needed to overhaul a corrupt college athletic system that has laid deep roots for decades now? Do those strike you as equally substantial tasks? Then he really wouldn't have time to bomb Libya. He'd be too busy trying to drag Fiesta Bowl officials out of the nearest titty bar.

This is the worst kind of sports column: irrelevant, pedantic, and completely in love with its own righteousness. Yeah, Barack Obama! Why are you wasting time out there filling out brackets when Greggggg Easterbrook has so many better ideas to occupy you? I have an idea. We should appoint Gregggggg Secretary of Diversions, and he can be in charge of what should be considered a valuable diversion, and what should not. Some Americans become diversion addicts, which is not good. Especially if you stay out past midnight! With Gregg's help, I think President Obama could devote more time to important, meaningful trifles, such as:

• Catching up on episodes of "Nova"
• Austrian stag hunting
• Gazing upon the stars with a sense of wonder and awe
• Going to church. You have an obligation to your Maker, you know.
• "Battlestar: Galactica"
• Tastefully ogling cheerleaders without outright saying you'd like to fuck them raw


You see? That's a far more appropriate and, dare I say, PRESIDENTIAL use on one's free time. You think about that the next time you fill out bracket, Mr. President.